No More Mr. Nice Guy

I’m at the point where I don’t want emotional attachment, and I realize there are many like me, don’t want a relationship, but a NSA thing is great.

I was told by a friend long ago, who claimed to have psychic abilities that I will get what I want in the end. I believed it for a long time, as she was incredibly spot on about many other things, unexplainable, like my 2 kids, my career which was in a totally different direction than I was headed. And my friends paths. Tbh I realized over the past 15 years my path in life has changed, there is no happy ending or long term relationship that will lead to a fulfilling marriage, and I’m ok with that, I’m also ok with being a hookup until I can’t do it anymore, many women find me attractive, so it’s not a matter of appearance,

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Wow, Kevin. That’s some deep stuff. I definitely see some of that in myself. I can relate to people empathetically, but for a ton of things, I have severe apathy. I can’t even try caring or investing myself into it. I want to have the desires for success and achievement that my wife has, but I just don’t. I don’t think I have Nice Guy Syndrome, but I’m for sure a broken person a lot of the time. It’s constant work. Keep at it, bro!

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You’re absolutely right.

This is not a race to see who can get the most sobriety in the shortest amount of time.

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I read your check in today. My heart goes out to you. Anyways, I think we have much in common.

I see now that I was using the amount of sobriety that I achieved as an attachment. An attachment is something that I use to gain acceptance and validation from others. And I honestly thought that if I built up enough days, I would reappear on TS saying, “LOOK AT ME NOW!” I thought I was on my way to have it all together late last fall. I strung together 293 days if continuous sobriety. But I was craving every day, every hour. I wasn’t sober. But I thought that if I got to that 9 month mark, things would kick in. It would get easier. I thought then that I would be on my way to getting the love that I wanted, get my needs met, and live in a problem-free world.

But instead, it got harder. And my life wasn’t improving. And I acted out. That was last October.

It concerns me that you want to pursue hookups. For me, I was not always attractive to women. So I pursued prostitutes.

But what if the pursuit of casual sex is just another extension of NGS? Trying to get validation (especially sexual validation) is a prime characteristic of NGS. If that’s the case, pursuing casual sex will only lead to misery. And it will only lead me back to the same abandonment issue that I started out with. And abandonment is death. I’m still alone.

Thus, instead of fulfilling the desire to get the love that I want and getting my needs met, the behavior actually sabotages it. Instead, it guarantees that I won’t get the love that I want and that I won’t get my needs met. Also, instead of having less problems, I’ll have more.

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Being that my sex addiction and my social and emotional anorexia are extensions of something deeper, my NGS and my toxic shame, it’s important that I match my recovery strategy accordingly. If I treat the symptoms, I’m still sick.

I’m completely supportive of how others are going to do their program of recovery differently then me. I’m okay with the 12 steps. They’ve helped a lot of people. And I believe they’ve helped me, to an extent.

But I believe my program is going to have to look a bit different. A big thing in NGS is my desire to seek validation from others in just about everything I do, say, don’t do, or don’t say. It’s based on the toxic shame inside. So a huge part of my program will be about seeking validation from the one person that matters a lot, myself.

I have to demonstrate that I have value; that I’m a person with self-worth. I have to demonstrate self-love. If I cannot love myself, then how am I truly going to be able to love anyone else? And this is one of those things that God is not going to do for me. He’s provided everything that I need to make that happen. He’s not just going to “zap” me into loving myself.

Many people have no problem accepting their self worth. They speak up for themselves. They treat themselves to nice things. They make known what they want. Being a Christian, I still notice that others at church don’t submit to God at the expense of themselves. Toxic shame and low self-worth is not in their vocabulary.

If I treat myself with high value, others around me will respect me more. If I treat myself like the city dump, then others around me will tend to treat me with less value.

I’m not going to speak for everyone else or anyone else. I can only speak for myself. It’s up to me to determine what is going to work in my life. I cannot just blindly go along with what others say I have to do. There are plenty of people out there who will tell me who I am and what I should do with my life. And most of those people are wrong…

God gave me a brain. He knows that I ultimately have to decide how I choose to conduct myself. If He leads me down a certain path, it’s in my best interest for me to follow; even if it’s not the path that others are taking.

I am tired of being someone else to please someone else.

And if I don’t address the whole spectrum of my NGS, which includes

  • Not taking good care of myself
  • Not being vocal about my own needs and desires
  • Avoiding conflict by not speaking up for what I believe
  • Not being assertive when someone crosses my boundaries
  • Constantly seeking approval and validation from others
  • Lying to others to appear better than I actually am

If I don’t seriously take action in my life to deal with these things, then I WILL continue to white knuckle my sex addiction recovery AND it will lead to relapse.

It raises the question for me.

Where’s the choice? If I’m not aware of this deeper root behind my sex addiction then how is it a choice to not act out? If I never found this root, I would have continued to white knuckle my program indefinitely. Many of you witnessed me pretty much white knuckle my way to 200+ days of sobriety each time only to wipe out in the end. One cannot white knuckle indefinitely. In my case, acting out is inevitable. It’s not a question of if it’s going to happen, but when. Sooner or later, my white knuckling was going to lead to relapse. Period. There’s no choice in that.

And as an NGS guy, I have one main strategy when I face failure…

TRY HARDER

I confess that I’ve been acting insane in my program, doing the same thing over again expecting different results. I confess that I was doing the same thing but tweaking things around a little to deceive myself into thinking that I was doing something different. When instead, I was falling for my perfectionism; this NGS trait that says to me that I have to do things perfectly. Otherwise, I won’t succeed on my program. And thus, I won’t have the love that I want, I’ll get my needs met, and I’ll finally get to live in a problem-free world.

Instead of trying harder, I should have been…

TRYING DIFFERENT

It’s also interesting to note that the only thing that told me that something was still wrong was my relapses. I do believe that relapses are not an attribute of recovery, but of addiction. But without them, how would I know about this deeper issue? How would I continue to soul search until I’m able to expose the root? Is it possible that, in my case,

RELAPSE IS A PART OF RECOVERY?

In my case, I believe it is.

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Hey man I understand where you are coming from.

I look at NSA sexual encounters much different, for me it’s accepting who I am. When I am in a romantic relationship, I become very loyal, and my goal is to maintain the romantic relationship for a lifetime, but I’ve learned something, I also become a doormat.

I become the well I can treat him like shit, walk all over him, cheat, lie and steal, he’s never gonna beat me, he’s never gonna cheat on me. And he will forgive me.

Forgiveness has been given many times and the cycle repeats, most of my relationships end and then the woman who said she wanted a fulfilling partnership with no fears often enters a relationship with someone who’s cheating on them, beating them, and treating them like a doormat, but they are in love… and when they walk out on them I’m supposed to pick them up off the ground as a rebound and let them treat me the way they did before. And I don’t.

Forgiveness I’ve learned has become a true sign of weakness, it’s sad. Instead of being appreciative of the fact that someone forgives you, it becomes a vulnerability.

As far as attractive, most people of the opposite sex find me physically attractive, as do some members of the same sex. I’m not saying that to sound like a conceited prick, it’s just my experience.,

A few years ago, I was in the hookup culture, right after I left my most recent relationship, it was a recycle. We were together for a few years we broke up cause she left me for some guy she worked with, he turned out to be a shit bag. And she messaged me, we decided to take things slow because I refused to deal with that again, when she bailed for another guy I was done. I was hanging out at a friends house, talking to a girl I met on Tinder when, my friends wife wanted to have a talk with me. I said fine, she said I needed to quit being emotionally unavailable, and that I’m better than a hookup, she referred to me as the last of a dying breed, (Guys who want a marriage & family) I listened and took her advice and then I met Jess, she was smart, attractive, educated and we had a lot in common, over the next 4 years things went from equal partnership to she wanted all the control, when I was in rehab for alcoholism, I became assertive, explaining that while I know I have issues to work on, she likewise needed to address her issues and the issues in our relationship as a whole. That’s when she broke it off.

I tried to make efforts to reconcile which were moot. So I realized I can only fix myself, if she has no desire to make efforts then I can’t help her with that and let it go.

Up until recently I still longed for a partner of equal trust and value, till I was proven that’s not viable, I’ll be replaced With the emotionally unavailable, prick. Because it makes for pity,

But the hookup, yeah that failed miserably, we met up hung out for like a half hour, she said I’m getting bad vibes, you don’t belong here this isn’t you, I think you gotta go, me I had nothing invested in it other than a little bit of time I said fuck it, I don’t need that and left. So yeah I struck out

But where can I find said book? It intrigues me, and I would like to check it out, especially if there is a E-book available

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I bought my ebook here

https://www.ebooks.com/en-us/book/284872/no-more-mr-nice-guy/robert-a-glover/

But I had to download a free ebook reader to view. One can also buy the kindle version on Amazon.

Thanks I bought the book, I don’t think it will help but for 10 bucks what do I have to lose?

10 dollars and a few hours of my time worth the risk if I feel it’s a bad investment

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Hey chris, I thought of you when I was watching this video by Darius m

@KevinesKay

Thanks I’ll check it out,

I did start reading the book, and some of your story can relate to mine, I was abandoned by my parents at a youth, raised by my grandmother, I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone, and my father was looked upon as a strong admirable person who should be looked up to,

Behind closed doors he was a physically mentally abusive person, who abused my mother and myself and my siblings, while the physical abuse stopped, the mental no emotional abuse has never let up, I have since severed ties with my parents, as the relationship between us I don’t believe could ever be prepared.

Many of the reasons why I turned away from faith and religion or a belief system of Jesus Christ and Christianity was directly related to them, I was raised in a Roman Catholic household, and it was shoved down my throat, and questioning religion was unacceptable by all means.

My Grandmother also a devout Catholic, ironically gave me my first set of tarot cards. Which is classified as divination (ironic huh?)

However the idea behind tarot is that cards should be gifted to you from someone who believes you possess the energy to use them, my parents saw this and surely lost their mind, I was told how it was evil, dangerous and a practice that should not be followed, I turned away from God, I turned away from tarot, I shut it all out.

Years later a friend of mine, offered a reading. I said yah why not, it’s a pile of shit, and everything she said was totally way off, or so I thought, after I experienced her predictions that made no sense, I tried my hand at tarot, yet I found I had the gift of reading and understanding the pictures without guidance or cold reading people, I told my uncle who told me to get out of it, for it was bad energy that will only use you, I never believed him. I began practicing occultism because I felt it gave me gifts I could never achieve by any other means, I was a talented musician well known amongst local circles and with national acts guys like Buckcherry, Poisons Brett Michaels and Breaking Benjamin knew of me,

I followed the practice until I started studying science and then I fell into the Athiest/Agnostic beliefs that no intelligent creation is possible, that science has ruled out any dieties.

I gave my last tarot reading in 2017, which was incredibly accurate, much to my surprise as I haven’t read in years. And then I learned my Uncle was right, immediately afterwards in the days following, I fell into a deep depression followed by an increase in anger and agitation. I thought it was normal cycling for me, now I look back I do believe the cards took my energies, and created a dark energy in me.

I was still of an atheist belief up until recently, my story includes suicide attempts one of which led me to detox and the pshyc ward, I tried to commit suicide by firearm, and the gun malfunctioned, not once but twice.

I vowed I will not be my father, the physically mentally and emotionally abusive person, which kinda makes me realize a lot of this book from the initial Passages kinda reflects that. But then it also made me reflect on the long term relationships I have had, or any sort of commitment.

Most marriage and couples therapists admit that an argument or disagreement that is productive in a relationship is in fact a sign of a healthy relationship, especially if you created boundaries or expectations and they are not met, (mind you healthy boundaries)

I usually get involved with women who are attractive and what society views as attractive, however when you’re viewed as physically attractive it often leads to superficial relationships and contains no substance, and while they also know that they are viewed as attractive they know they can have physical relationships often leading to infidelities, and being less assertive often it makes you feel as if it was your fault that they seeked physical intimacy elsewhere.

Usually what I end up doing is getting myself involved with women whom you might consider less desirable and think that it will work, often they’re women who break my solid rules. Too many kids, lack of career goals, lack of common ground, or things in common, but in your head it’s like well this is something no guy wants, it will work for me, either I end up very unhappy in a unfulfilling relationship or they feel for once they are in control so if gives them a free pass to doormat me, because all their previous relationships someone else was in control, this time they feel in power, and it ends in disaster.

So instead I vow for the hookup culture, no emotional attachment, no physical or other attachments, I enjoy sex, so I go that route.

This week though has been rough, I mentioned the first one which was a nightmare, well I met up for coffee with another today,. And no chemistry. She was physically attractive, owned her own business, and all around a really nice girl, but I don’t see anything in her, not even a one time sexual partner, and being That I recently became a Christian, it bothered me that she is an Atheist.

Which is weird, I strongly followed that atheism was fact yet 2 women I had dated were profound atheists and it bothered me. Like even though I believed in nothing, a part of me wanted to have faith in something I guess?

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The video is interesting…

Kinda reminds me of the situation with my child’s mother.,

I tried to make things work for my kids sake, yet I was miserable and completely unhappy, until I finally mustered the courage to tell her I can’t do this, I am not happy this Won’t change.

Years later, she was getting married, I had no issues with it, I met her future husband at try time and told him I have no issues I just want to be civil for my children’s sake,

Overall he’s not a bad dude, we used to drink together, however she doesn’t need him, he needs her, he is an alcoholic, but also works very simple jobs with low pay. His pay goes to his habits, she holds up the household., but he lives there essentially free., She knows he can’t leave he won’t survive.

I’m not dissing the dude in any way, but I’m just observing, she went from a guy who was a provider, a hard worker, & motivated for success, to the polar opposite because he needs her.

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In 2004-2006, I was doing a lot of good things for myself. After my arrest, I moved to a place by myself, I started going to back to SLAA, and I dropped back into going to church. I started taking careful of myself. I watched what I ate. I started working out more. I was playing my guitar. I was learning a second language. And I was doing a lot of step work to figure out what was going on with me.

I came out with my To-do list back then. The behaviors on the list reminded me to practice self-love. It became the heart of my recovery. And every week, I would share with the group how I had been doing with loving myself.

Those were the best years of my life. I had chosen a life of celibacy and I was loving life. I was actually meeting my needs and my problems were at a minimum. I was only missing love in my life and I was okay with it. Until, I got an interesting call from a female member of my group. She mentioned that she was going to stop going. When I asked why, she said, “I’m really attracted to you.”

I replied that it shouldn’t make a difference. Just because there’s attraction, doesn’t mean that we have to act upon it. But that didn’t convince her to stick around. I was caught off guard. Because I never considered myself that attractive. In over the next several months, I realized that she wasn’t the only one. A lot of women were finding me attractive. And this happened quite suddenly. I honestly thought that much of this attraction was due to me being able to embrace a more complete reality. But now looking back, I realize that it was this sense of confidence, this self-acceptance, that was making me more noticeable. I met my wife at the church that we were both going to. And within 5 months of our first Hangout, I was engaged, married, expecting a baby, and being the stepfather to her 2 sons.

And although I had done a great job of taking care of myself and demonstrating self love when I was alone, I failed to carry this mindset in my relationship with my wife. In a frantic desire to focus completely on her, I pretty much gave in to being someone else in order to please someone else. Within that year, I quit my job that I absolutely loved to work in a boring nine-to-five. I gave up my 12-step group and all the friendships that I developed there. I stopped working out. She expressed her lack of support in these areas, and I didn’t have the backbone to stand up for myself. And I thought that my new understanding of relationships and my faith in God would carry me through. But it didn’t. I acted out within 3 months after our wedding. And it’s been an up and down battle of relapse, get back up, relapse, and so on for the past 15 years. I tried to pick up the to-do list again a few times over the years. But the results were not the same because the new behaviors on the list were mostly not reinforcing my self worth. Behaviors such as reading the Bible and spending time with my wife and family are good. But when I failed to make my personal needs a priority because I was focusing on others, I was unknowingly sabotaging my recovery from NGS. Let me reiterate. I am not saying that spending time with God or with my wife or family are not important. They are. And I’m going to continue to still have fellowship with God my wife and family in my life.

Just not at the expense of my own needs and personal well-being.

Proverbs 27:7 says that a full soul loaths a honeycomb, but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.

I’ve been guilty of chasing after bitter. My soul is hungry. My soul is empty.

I cannot give love on an empty tank. It’s time to make a change. I thought about bringing in the to-do list again. Maybe I will. But right now, my accountability shares will consist of two things.

  1. How did I demonstrate positive self acceptance and self worth today?

  2. What would I have liked to have done differently?

That’s it. Keeping it simple.

Thanks

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@KevinesKay

I started reading the book, and can relate in the initial chapters.

My father was abusive, and unavailable likewise was my mother, I shifted between my grandmother and whichever relative drew the short straw that week.

I vowed I would not be the same, I knew domestic violence was wrong, as was neglecting your family, as I grew older I was found physically attractive by many females, and I had an on and off relationship with my kids mom.

My kids mom had a habit of sabotaging my life, if I began seeing another woman she would do what she could to ruin it, if she couldn’t have me no one can, towards the end of one of our “on” times she got pregnant, I found out a month before he was born. Naturally the fatherly instinct kicked in that I could not abandon my child, but I did not want a relationship with her. She used him as a pawn, a long with my parents insisting I do the right thing by her, I settled with her to try and have a family.

Our relationship was very toxic, I was going through the motions to make the best of it, we had my 2nd son, and from there sex and intimacy was out the window, I had no interest or desire to have any physical intimacy with her, it would come around often after a few months without and a lot of drinks, if we argued I was shamed into being told I’m acting like my father.

I believe in this time I played the card similar to the character in the book, of outward acceptance, we had a nice house, nice shiny new cars, our kids had the best of everything, it was a keep up with the Jones’s on the outside on the inside I hated life, I would work opposite shifts of her so we didn’t have to see each other, we didn’t have to sleep in bed together nothing, on my days off I would sleep on the couch to avoid her, I wished for death to take me. If we were out with friends, all of them told me, I could do way better than her, they don’t understand why I stay.

I lost my job in the 09 financial crisis, and that’s when the shell broke, unemployment was paying 33% of my usual pay, and I hit the max benefit, we couldn’t afford the lifestyle, and it started to unravel, we both were having affairs to have our needs met, we lost the house the following year, and I finally had enough, She came home that night and I told her I was done, I can’t live this life of a lie anymore, she knew of the affairs, she knew of everything, she knew I was unhappy, but she didn’t know I was trying to gain traction to get out.

I think that relationship honestly was an extension of my childhood and extended into my 30s, it was incredibly damaging.

I think I’m gonna leave you a PM my friend we may have some things to talk about, you may be helpful in my own recovery, and guide me as well

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I’ll add to this as well,

The book states most men as children who experienced father figures who were unavailable, abusive, controlling etc. And how men like us vow to be 180 degrees opposite,

My father was all of the above, my parents had me at a Young age, they were both 20 when I was born. Thus kids raising kids,

As I witnessed my fathers behaviors it encouraged the opposite in me, however as I grew older there was a resentment forming,

I look like neither of my parents, And I strongly resemble my uncle on my moms side my father hated him, and he likewise despised my father for his treatment towards his family,

The thing about my Uncle Don was, everyone loved him, women found him incredibly attractive, he was an excellent mechanic and all around a pleasure to be around minus his terrible addiction to heroin and alcohol,

As I grew older the remarks where always the same, dear god he could be Donny’s son, they look exactly alike, which was met with jeers in my fathers eyes,

I also created bitterness between us as I embarked on adulthood and career paths, I was shamed for joining the military, going to paramedic school, and then trade school for auto mechanics,

When I graduated tech school, my father said “you’ll never make any money doing dealership work” I have friends who said so!

I used it as motivation to prove him wrong, my last full year in a dealership, before I left for a government job, I made a little over a hundred grand, mind you I worked my ass off, but I proved it can be done.

Another failed value that I struggle with is faith, like I said before I was raised Catholic and anything else is just wrong. It turned me away from faith, 2 years ago I quit smoking and when he heard immediately he threw in my face how it was him and Devine intervention that made it happen, it encouraged me to pick right back up on that habit.

As it stands I have not spoken to my parents in a little over a year., they know I went to rehab and I’m in Virginia, however they only found out those details when my son told them, he offered to get them in touch with me and they declined

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Chris, I definitely see the abandonment you’ve experienced. And I definitely see how such trauma can lead to having a faulty paradigm, a faulty outlook on life, which leads to a life full of unhappiness and chaos.

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Probably one of the most significant behaviors and traits of my NGS happens to be my obsession with lusting after women. And I keep coming up with more and more reasons to stop. I’m going to try to summarize these reasons. But I foresee that I may end up redoing this multiple times. Well, here goes…

  1. I’ve discovered underneath my lust, is my honest desire to actually fornicate and commit adultery with a live person. Such a person, most likely, would be a prostitute since I know that the vast majority of all women are simply not available to me for casual sex. So when I lust, I’m actually performing a preliminary ritual. It’s foreplay. And it’s frustrating because I’m rarely following through with the actual deed. And…

If I can’t touch it, I don’t want it.

  1. Lusting after a woman puts me in a deficit. My mind gets tricked into thinking that I’m going to actually have sex. But when I don’t, I’m left more depressed and unhappy than before I objectified her.

  2. When I look at a woman, I can go from 0 to sex in less than a second. For me,

It’s just easier to not look at a woman than it is to look at her without lusting.

Now, there are going to be times when I’m going to have to interact with women; a waitress, a friendly neighbor, someone I meet at church. I don’t have to be rude. But if there is no interaction, there is no reason for me to look.

  1. When I objectify a woman, I reduce her to just body parts and as an object to have sex with. I completely lose sight of her emotional components. In fact, I can see her better when I don’t look at her.

Think of the significance of the comment that I just made.

I can see her better when I don’t look at her.

  1. My tendency to lust after women is an attribute of my NGS. This toxic shame inside me is desperate for validation. And I have to be honest that my oggling after woman is an attempt to get sexual validation in return. This is very serious. If I partake in this behavior, I’m reinforcing the toxic shame that tells me that I’m a horrible, worthless, bad person. But if I choose to show restraint and keep custody of my eyes, I’m showing myself that I do have value, that I’m worth something. I don’t need validation from another strange woman. I can demonstrate that for myself.

  2. When I had the privilege to listen to Dr Mark Lasser speak at a conference 30 years ago, he mentioned the value of looking at my fantasies and lust as a window to the wound. So if I’m struggling in this area, it might be more helpful to search inside myself for any unmet need that I’m not addressing. That might be more effective than just trying to stop thinking about it or to stop looking at her. It reminds me of HALT, hungry, angry, lonely, tired.

  3. For me, it is easier for me just to say no to the first thought or the first look. But I often find myself powerless to say no even to the first one. In those cases, it’s okay for me to ask for help from God. I’m not going to expect myself perfect all the time. But God still accepts me and all of my brokenness. He has helped me immensely along this path, and will continue to do so.

There are other reasons why I should keep custody of my eyes. But the ones I’ve described above are intrinsic motivators. They seem to offer me a lot of strength.

So far, I have really been loving this journey. I love it love it love it love it love it.l

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Thank you so much for posting this, after this long in recovery you’re really showing me new things for me to think about, allot of this really hits close to home!

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Thanks Kevin,

Your words are insightful,

It makes me think too, I kept telling myself I’m not gonna engage in casual sex, that I’m gonna wait for the commitment that goes with it, I almost did go out on a casual sex binge luckily for me the chick was kinda crazy and I left before anything started

It’s easy to objectify women, and from what I’m gathering, you create fantasies in your head, and when they don’t pan out it leads to depression and a feeling of longing for some sort of validation.

For me, casual sex was never an issue, a committed relationship has always been, And often I use casual sex to lash out and punish my partner when things aren’t going right(I had sex with my ex’s friend, because of our huge fight) but it makes me feel guilty, not only as a person, but as a committed partner I feel as if I defied them, and in fact I have I had broken the trust bond we had by engaging in activities with another. I still have a guilt about cheating on my last girlfriend.

I never was into porn, but reading your post makes me think, many guys crave casual sex, yet I long for a long lasting fulfilling relationship that leads to marriage.

My other question is, while you admit you need to take custody of your eyes, do you develop a list or sex appeal to your spouse? Like is your mind saying like I want everyone and everything but her? I understand that you stated that your relationship with your spouse can be quite anorexic, but does that create a desire to seek validation elsewhere?

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Something to think about, maybe it will help maybe it won’t.

I never used prostitutes, mainly because of my logic, while you stated objectifying women and seeking validation are the primary points of sex. The idea of a prostitution date, kinda put me at odds. Like I can be Brad Pitt, this chick isn’t fucking me cause she finds me attractive, she’s doing it because I have given her a lump sum of cash to do so., in the end she’s still in control. Whether it’s time, what she’s willing to offer, or price. I’m on the losing end of this bargain.

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Yep. This is true for me.

Good question, Chris.

I think there’s a few things going on here. First, when I’m pursuing fornication and adultery by chasing after prostitutes, using porn, or lusting, or fantasizing, I’m trying to fill this void inside me, the toxic shame that tells me that I’m a horrible, worthless, bad person. And when I’m in this mode (which has been a lot), I crave to have sex with every woman, and I mean every woman. It doesn’t matter how fat, how skinny, how old, how unstable, how unstable. This addict inside me wants all of the women. 1000 women would not be enough to fill this void.

As far a the sexual anorexia with my wife, I believe that a big part of it stems from resentment. I resented her for quitting my job, for not working out anymore, for leaving my 12-step group. And I’ve come to realize that she really didn’t force me to do any of those things. I chose to go along with her wishes without having too much argument because I like to avoid conflict. My wife is a broken person with lots of sexual abuse issues from her past. She struggles with managing her life. And I feel resentment towards her and her ability to manage her life. But as an NGS guy, I seek out broken women to have relationships with. Broken people do not get into relationships with healthy people, but other broken people. The fact is, I chose to co-create a relationship with her. And instead of complaining about how bad my wife is, I should be understanding that I sought after her out of my own brokenness.

Being sexually anorexic with her was my twisted strategy to regain control. By falsely blaming her for giving up so many things to keep the relationship, I felt the need to get some power back.

By asserting myself more, and making my needs a priority in the relationship, I have less need to resent my wife and establish control via sexual anorexia.

Another thing that I do is create a convert contract with our sex life.

In other words, I don’t vocalize with my wife that I want sex. I just assume it should happen without communication.

Writing this, I see a crazy amount of NGS in my own behavior.

By the way, our sex life is still going strong. It’s like 500% better. My wife can’t believe it. She’s ecstatic.

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