@KevinesKay
Thanks I’ll check it out,
I did start reading the book, and some of your story can relate to mine, I was abandoned by my parents at a youth, raised by my grandmother, I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone, and my father was looked upon as a strong admirable person who should be looked up to,
Behind closed doors he was a physically mentally abusive person, who abused my mother and myself and my siblings, while the physical abuse stopped, the mental no emotional abuse has never let up, I have since severed ties with my parents, as the relationship between us I don’t believe could ever be prepared.
Many of the reasons why I turned away from faith and religion or a belief system of Jesus Christ and Christianity was directly related to them, I was raised in a Roman Catholic household, and it was shoved down my throat, and questioning religion was unacceptable by all means.
My Grandmother also a devout Catholic, ironically gave me my first set of tarot cards. Which is classified as divination (ironic huh?)
However the idea behind tarot is that cards should be gifted to you from someone who believes you possess the energy to use them, my parents saw this and surely lost their mind, I was told how it was evil, dangerous and a practice that should not be followed, I turned away from God, I turned away from tarot, I shut it all out.
Years later a friend of mine, offered a reading. I said yah why not, it’s a pile of shit, and everything she said was totally way off, or so I thought, after I experienced her predictions that made no sense, I tried my hand at tarot, yet I found I had the gift of reading and understanding the pictures without guidance or cold reading people, I told my uncle who told me to get out of it, for it was bad energy that will only use you, I never believed him. I began practicing occultism because I felt it gave me gifts I could never achieve by any other means, I was a talented musician well known amongst local circles and with national acts guys like Buckcherry, Poisons Brett Michaels and Breaking Benjamin knew of me,
I followed the practice until I started studying science and then I fell into the Athiest/Agnostic beliefs that no intelligent creation is possible, that science has ruled out any dieties.
I gave my last tarot reading in 2017, which was incredibly accurate, much to my surprise as I haven’t read in years. And then I learned my Uncle was right, immediately afterwards in the days following, I fell into a deep depression followed by an increase in anger and agitation. I thought it was normal cycling for me, now I look back I do believe the cards took my energies, and created a dark energy in me.
I was still of an atheist belief up until recently, my story includes suicide attempts one of which led me to detox and the pshyc ward, I tried to commit suicide by firearm, and the gun malfunctioned, not once but twice.
I vowed I will not be my father, the physically mentally and emotionally abusive person, which kinda makes me realize a lot of this book from the initial Passages kinda reflects that. But then it also made me reflect on the long term relationships I have had, or any sort of commitment.
Most marriage and couples therapists admit that an argument or disagreement that is productive in a relationship is in fact a sign of a healthy relationship, especially if you created boundaries or expectations and they are not met, (mind you healthy boundaries)
I usually get involved with women who are attractive and what society views as attractive, however when you’re viewed as physically attractive it often leads to superficial relationships and contains no substance, and while they also know that they are viewed as attractive they know they can have physical relationships often leading to infidelities, and being less assertive often it makes you feel as if it was your fault that they seeked physical intimacy elsewhere.
Usually what I end up doing is getting myself involved with women whom you might consider less desirable and think that it will work, often they’re women who break my solid rules. Too many kids, lack of career goals, lack of common ground, or things in common, but in your head it’s like well this is something no guy wants, it will work for me, either I end up very unhappy in a unfulfilling relationship or they feel for once they are in control so if gives them a free pass to doormat me, because all their previous relationships someone else was in control, this time they feel in power, and it ends in disaster.
So instead I vow for the hookup culture, no emotional attachment, no physical or other attachments, I enjoy sex, so I go that route.
This week though has been rough, I mentioned the first one which was a nightmare, well I met up for coffee with another today,. And no chemistry. She was physically attractive, owned her own business, and all around a really nice girl, but I don’t see anything in her, not even a one time sexual partner, and being That I recently became a Christian, it bothered me that she is an Atheist.
Which is weird, I strongly followed that atheism was fact yet 2 women I had dated were profound atheists and it bothered me. Like even though I believed in nothing, a part of me wanted to have faith in something I guess?
