I still see my thropist 1 time a month at least and i usually set up a appointment every 3 weeks
My phyc dr studies sciene behind meds
I just learned yestaerday at my appointment that a theropist studies science behind emotions and the way we react to them
…i dont know if im exactly right but its cool
I also found out i have a yern to be heard and seen and understood lol thats been said to say the least and the core reason is anxiety and worry. Im pretty sure thats how she explained it
I got back from my meeting not long ago 
it helped
One single attraction to relapse
.
.
.
.
I look at the pink cloud of sobriety like its good. It always seems to viset.
At one point i was a year sober and for months i just didnt want to be sober snd it felt like constant withdrawal even at 1 year. But eventually that pink cloud of relife viseted again , but then vanished during my close relaps with the thc vape pen when i thought , “why should i care if no1 else does?”
In 1 full year, sence ive been on my relife from addiction..
..
..i have 1 single questionable trait.
.. I dont want alcohol, no
..i dont want hard drugs, no
..i dont want any pot , no
..i dont even want a nicotine vape or replacement
.
. One questionable attraction to relapse
.
. Is the smell of a ciggerette. I havnt had a ciggerette sence be4 i quit vapes and i havnt had a vape sence july 18th 2023
.its odd because i look at vapes and my lungs may ache from the “liquid vape” thought
..
But the smell of a fresh burning ciggerette i like. Not on someones clothes, that smell i dont like but a ciggerette that is just lit when im close by.
..
I think its because of my childhood excitement from smoking when i first started at 13 years old. There was always this thing about ciggerettes with me. Maybe because id have a full 20 ciggs in a fresh pack so theres that sence of joy annnnnd securety of another 19 in a fresh pack.
. Looking back when i was freshly and painfully in the midsts of years and years of phyc issues ,i would have phycosis and smoke a whole pack, one after another, until i would fall asleep. I cant say for a fact but maybe theres a thing people get to where we can be totally ciggerette drunk, also with myself being in phycosis of paranoia schizophrenia.
I can openly express while being next to the burning ciggerette how i like the smell but dont smoke and i have in my mind how i dont want to smoke. Its just really weird how the smell of a burning ciggerette is the only attraction i have.
My doc is a thc weed pen.
I drank alcohol like a champion whos life depended on it.
I did hard drugs.
Vaped nicotine all day long.
No attraction to any of that within this year at all. 0 thought of thats a yummy thing
Lol but that damn ciggerette
I would like to find out why a ciggerette sounds yummier then a thc vape pen
My wife has her thc vape yoshie from super mario pen from a legal pot dispensary right where she always has it right now. I could get up and look at it and even hold it any time i would like. I really dont care too though or even want to lol.
It has to be that damn security feeling of 19more after the 1st one out of a pack i learned to trust. Just super strange the more i think about it.
Ciggs were the hardest for me to quit and I still crave them.
I love being able to take a satisfying breath even more.
You sound solid in your recovery. Stoked for you!
Heyy j
Yes i feel solid. The thing is, we alcoholics tend to be weakest for for a quick moment before relaps when we feel brave or safe in our recovery. Knowing for a fact that no matter how much i know, there is something else i need to learn; this keeps my head streight
No1 can and no1 will know all. Thats why i think its said “we cant do it alone”
One random day, i will experience something and ill have no clue what to do, but others may.
The lessons happen every second. And they will never stop
How are you today? You needa get a good boat for you one day
Walked for 2hours straight from my work area a town over after being dropped off by a taxi about a 22min drive from my work area from another location. Kept cool but spent a lot.
I did it because my wife who said shes divorcing me because i said im not talking to her whdn she got mad told me to get out of the car a 22min drive from home.
I was walking in my hometown where she picked me up when i was walking to a gas station for a phone charger because my phone was at 14%.
After i got the phone equipment i was going to walk to an AA meeting that started 7min ago. I would have made it about 20min early.
She pulled up next to me and we just sat there before she said, get in the car.
Turns out she now wants divorse because of a argument at a grocery store about 30min from home where she kicked me out of the car at and left me sitting inside wigh 20% battery on my phone left.
Im mad but im fine also
She picked me up and told me how we are now roommates in our living arrangement. Im not buying into a roomate so without her permission im upstairs on the recliner until she figures out what she wants.
She said devorce but tells me what to do? Like to sleep in our bed while she gets a blowup matteress and that i must sleep in the bed.
Thing is for me though
She said she isnt with me
So the recliner sounds safe so thats where ill be until she suggests something helpful or makes me sleep at the park.
Her choice
I was on my way to AA then going to ask around on how to handle it.
I made it safe from a 30min drive away, back, with a taxi and a 2hour walk just wondering where im going
Tomorrow is 700days streight sobriety on the dot so atleast i have that
After doing some heavy thinking, no1 will wake up one morning inlove then want divorce in the evening, and let the person sleep in their bed.
I decided to come back downstairs where shes on her couch and i told her i dont think she wants divorce because if she truley did, i wouldnt be here. I told her that the only thing that brought me downstairs (and i didnt say this but even back in her presents) is the thought that we are infact not over.
She can be mad all she wants but i feel like shes wrong and doesnt want to face the truth of that.
Checking in on day 700 on the dot of streight sobriety
Today im grumpy
Today is not a happy day for myself
Im relising all these selfish mthr fkers in this stupid azz world just want power over others. Then theres the sheep who just want to be accepted so they do the follow the fake people, then theres theres innocent people who get attacked just for being happy, then theres those missing pieces to the puzzel but i know exist which are the greats who have watch until they can do something.
Then theres super soldiers who fight and die for all of them.
Im gd damn 700days sober
My wife said shes divorsing me and if this is more then just talk, i will choose to be homless rather then be her , in her words , “roommate”.
I even told her before
She gets every penny we saved together for the past 4 years of marriage. Our marriage anniversary is actually in on 16 days. The year 2022
Good decision making wife
Im no1s bch
Im am however a good guy
Today i got up and left for my well being.
When she wants to talk ill come back
Until then im on my own
I told the people who need to know whats going on
And i told her
This has been great ya know
I mean… i had a rasberry ice tea first thing at my local coffee shop. I was even like.. what.. the second one there…
Then i went number 2 at my local dentist office
Then i went to a big baseball feild and sat and had a online NA meeting surrounded by posin oak but i dont get posion oak so its ok
Then i was at a gass station
Then… my wife picked me up so now i happily safe and out of danger.
Whheeww well know she knows how g i am and that i wear the pants 
Wow! What a disgusting statement. Extremely disrespectful to your wife (and all women in general). A marriage is an equal partnership, not a dictatorship.
Take a look on the mirror. You treat your wife like you have power over her. Remember when you point your finger at someone, there are 3 more pointing back at you.
I don’t normally read your thread but it was brought to my attention and now I’m wondering why your wife isn’t running for the hills.
I have some advice that you can take or leave… share what you posted here with your therapist. Your wife deserves better.
Ok..
So..
Does anyone wanna add anything else?
Its opened for anyone else and everyone
Hahaha @CanadianGirl i thought we were ok..
.. im sorry you thought my joke was mean or that i needa talk to my thropist
I will just add that IF what you’re saying is in a joking manner the timing is very bad. You’re in a troubled marriage and I’m sure she doesn’t find this stuff funny.
I grew up with a schizophrenic mother who did not take care of her mental health. She spent more time off her medication than on it. It caused both me and my sister incredible emotional damages and I have not spoken to her in 15 years because of it . So yes when you were clearly spiraling and said you were going to get your meds adjusted/changed and start therapy I encouraged you so you could hopefully be the best parent possible for your son. Your posts since then do not really show like you are taking these actions and I also find some of your above comments offensive and can understand why your wife said she wanted a divorce. I truly hope you get yourself sorted out soon or you may be headed for a very lonely future.
My wife will always deserve better
Wether with me or anyone
I want to give her everything and “to me”, it wont be enough. Believe me or not, thats completely up to you
My sence of humor is i have no filter with massive crevess’ for creativity
@CanadianGirl
My own personal paranoia schizophrenia diagnosis and issues is a massive success story.
When i was 16 and dropped outta school on weed all day i was petrafied.
-Id see black holes in my yard sucking everything up,
-i saw people running around my woods in the backyard “named one of them the hutt man”
-I saw grusum things in grusum places
-I heard invisible gang members fighting and doing drugs right in my room when i was it in the middle of the day
-i called the police station, yes the real police station, on my auditory hallucinations.
Years of medicine, theropy and a massive amount of self reflection brought me to a somewhat stable ground
All in active addiction
Then
I got sober. Streight sobriety for almost 2 years and i then had to learn how to cope without the distraction or escape of substance abuse
My meds are
(No1s buissness but really i dont care)
15mg haldol (blocks dopamine, my schizophrenia cause, i myself , guess)
300mg gabapentine 3x a day for anxiety (and i think it helps boost my motivation personslly)
100mg gabapentine 1x at bedtime
200mg sertraline (antidepressant)
50mg hydroxzozine 3x as needed for anxiety (also amazing or irritation)
And thats my dose
My med change was
10mg haldol 15mg abilify
Abilify activates dopamine receptors and dopamine is my minds worst enemy
I see 0 hulusanations in years
I hear my thoughts loud every day
I heard hallucinations clear on abilify
My dr took me off abilify the second she noticed what you noticed.
I do not collect ssi so treatment is 100% volunteery from me. I had to pay american SSI 2000$ i owed to get off
I collect 0 foodstamps
I collect 0 government funds
My wife
And religious military inlaws pulled me off the streets the day i saw, lets say true infinity by sundown on may 9th 2023.
Schizophrenia will be with me forever
I accept and know this to be FACT FOR MYSELF which helps me and everyone who loves me
What im working on now is trama and im doing that in theropy
And yes i love all people too
My favorite creature
Gods children
They can
Be good and do bad
Or
Be bad and do good
Im a opened book and have been waiting for anyone to just ask me a question lol sence i have created this username
Im extreemly accepting of my mental health
Paranoia Schizophrenia can effect low knowledge and high knowledge people. Its like somethings clicks against their minds and they refuse to dissagree/agree with it. The level of knowledge is the scary part to me. If a evil genius had Schizophrenia and no1 could understand him/her, whats to stop that person from minipulating people
I could minipulate people by knowing you think sunshine 
is nice so i could say to you, your part of a sun clan or some stupid sht and i am too and we should only be awake when the suns out
Im smart enough to know how i may be able to use human instincts to minipulate people around me.
However i dont
Im also not a genious or evil
