This is the oldest pic i could find of myself on here
That last pot relaps wasnt a accedent; but not on purpose. I minipulated myself actually only myself that last time. I said i wanted it and i scraped the meanings aside to open a hole like a mental line backer then the moment it was opened i ran fast to it, leaving myself and everyone else behind.
Dont relaps
Get merried
And have children
And dont relaps again
For myself to be a accedent to have made it this far is a shame
I say that
Because i did it to myself
I have learned to hold myself accountable
Based on nothing but hunches
I managed to avoid things that may or may not have been real. Based on nothing but hunches. And i may never know if any of them were true. All while remaining 100% completely innocent by law and pure heart. I just was so lost i was mean. Thats all. Just really grumpy.
I blame no1
Not my parents
Not my siblings
Not my old friends
I blame me and only me for placing myself there.
.
.
.
.today im alive
I forgave
I forgot
Im not going to ever have that kinda mindset for my son
If anything about my past was based on good fortune, it was that i learned.
Checking in with my current sober streak of 20days streight with nothing
No alcohol or drugs sep10th2023
No form of nicotine sep4th2024 (this is getting a bit slippery at 894 days streight)
No form of marijuanna here in leagal Massachusetts day 20.
I came within a inch of being perscribed adavan today for mental sensation of anxiety and stress. Also a adrenaline blocker was talked about.
We talked about both and it was decided both are a option but they have things they will do that we dont like about them both.
We decided most likely to get haldol injection one time a month in hospital setting because i dont want it in my home or seen by my lil family. Then the pills will be done with except maybe a 5mg prn
Then also
We went up 200mg or 300mg added to my current 900mg of gabapentine = 1100 or 1200 mg in all.
We did gabapentine insted of adavan to max out my current med insted of adding a med like adavan. I dont like the thought of the other option which was a adrenaline blocker
The injection was my idea because haldol pills get me tired taking them at 5:30am in the morning before my workshift. Insted slow release injection one time a month and its forgot in between.
I blew the fk up today. I was really mad. I almost walked out on my marriage sevrel times all day including about 1 hour ago. Then my wife said in text after talking for just a minute and she said after explaining things on her side, “now we are even”.
Those words sound and are harsh but shes right. I treated her just as bad as she did me. I was in a upstairs chair getting space at the time. I call it the ending to the chapter and i came back downstairs. Shes in bed resting with our young lil boy and im in the chair in the living area in our own living space technically her living space as i call our 2bedroom 1living room set up hers and im just the husband and dad. Upstairs is her military grandparents home and next door is another very nice person who is also family on her side.
Anyway
I dont rub in her face, “if im not happy i leave”
Its more then that. I can stay while in pain. Emotions are natural.
But
I refuse to be her “wrench” 
or tool 
to use for only her needs cuz i have needs too. My 2 hands are on the planet by my god - : * edit #1 (not for her but : to her. Ill give myself to her by my choice but shes not my master. Ill treat her like a queen, ill be her king, but the little choices i can make that ive been god given are for me.
In the end of the night to right now we decided for tonight that we are done fighting. We will most likley not talk for the rest of the night. Ill be sleeping in our chair.
The only good thing was getting to my phyc dr safely. Im still mad a bit but im donevwith that tonight. I see my boy and i just like to think of him 
Im getting him sone juicebthen reading here more
If I treated my wife the way you treat yours I wouldn’t have to worry about the fights anymore because she would absolutely divorce me.
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This was the first coin i ever personally gifted myself
A regular 24hour coin (not 1 , which is 1 year)
< 24 hour > brass coin
I was at a park one day last year during the summer 2025 where i saw a old friend getting in his car driving back and forth from a park i was at with my lil family. He was there with his 2 friends i didnt know , and his friends child.
I knew what he was up to with one other friend.
I taked to one of his friends while my old friend, and the 3rd person was out. Before the talk ended I told her i left something on the park bench they might like, and it was this coin. The friend pulled up with the other person and a old old gentleman, about 50 or 55 years old.. 5min after , we decided to leave and the old gentleman was LOOKING tough AT me while we were leaving, while i myself knew he was completely a weak minded and weak emotionally, child. The guy looked broken but he looked like he just wasnt.. .. logical or mindful at all.
The friend, the person i talked to, the other person, and the older gentleman, all left that park with a choice.. only they can make themselves.. which was
the next 24 hours sober by choice (within all the control they were gifted by god)
Or
No control, with no choice, not sober (only the substances control, choice made by substances, complete evil of addiction)
The only reason why i can say this coin was 100% mine at that time is because, i gave it away.
Accept help from others for the ones who help
When in clicks, give it away to another who needs the help.
Happy 24hours everyone
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