I don’t want to debate whether I should or should not have been on my partner’s tablet as it’s irrelevant at the moment. When I started hanging around my partner last year, he was single. He was part of an Asian dating site & often shared his experiences of the site and chats. Flip forward over a year’s time and he and I decided to give it a go as a couple. Today I went on his tablet looking for something and found something that feels like my heart is literally breaking. There are all kinds of screenshots of Asian women and a history of Asian porn sites. I already struggle with being “enough” and have had bad experiences in the past related to being cheated on by someone online. When I saw these things today I felt like the ground fell out from underneath me. I left the page open showing the multiple screenshots and closed the tablet. I placed it in a place where I know he’ll see it and left a note on it saying that if this is what he wants/needs I’m out as I deserve better than that. Like a coward, I have taken off for a drive and have texted him asking to let me know when he sees my note and to let me know if/when he wants to talk. Now I’m sitting in my truck bawling like a baby hoping he will reach out to me. The urge to drink is so strong as I don’t want to feel.
Was all of it from a year ago or recently?
And drinking isn’t going to make things better. Probably worse.
The pictures and the site history are all recent. I know drinking won’t help anything but my tears just aren’t stopping.
First things first. Whenever we emotionally charged women start to fly. We always ground ourselves. Right? We do this by breathing. In through the nose and out through the mouth.
Second we grasp our thoughts and organize them. There’s always another side to the story. But you have to keep breathing.
You can do this Michelle
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I can imagine that it’s hard in time in between the finding out and future conversation with him. The feeling of lack of control makes us so vulnerable. I hope you have a chance to talk with him soon, then you can focus on what you want to do next.
Whenever I’m about to have a difficult conversation I write down a bunch of possible scenarios, then a response of what I would do if that happens. It puts me to a task and often reminds me I have more options than I initially thought.
Right now I have the whole fight or flight going through my body. Trying to ground myself, stop crying and focus on my ideal outcome. What questions I want to ask, what I want to say etc. etc.
Most certainly, I think @Ravikamor is right, starting with breath regulation helps. I sometimes use a technique where I flex and relax parts of my body from my feet to my head.
I’m prone to panic attacks and things like that help me to return to my body.
It sucks that this situation is making everything hard for you. You have strength! You can get through it!
I’m not even sure I want to get past this right now. I truly feel like I’m breaking right now and can’t imagine why or how I would stay with him. Trying to talk to myself as a friend right now and am rather hostile lol. Been crying for over 3 hours and atm I don’t wish for an end in site. I’m processing feelings from my past and what’s going on in my current relationship. I’m actually feeling the feelings and identifying them which is a huge step for me.
He has since texted me and notes he doesn’t even know what to say. I asked him how he would feel if the tables were turned. I asked him if his “search” is worth losing what’s in front of him. So far he hasn’t answered either one and I’m trying to prepare for his response. I have a hardy history of running from my problems and I refuse to continue to do so. However, part of me just wants to say it’s over. . .I have enough on my plate without this added. BUT I truly love him. I have known him for over 20 years and part of me thinks I should have seen this coming.
You’ll get through this, either way it turns out. Stick to the facts as best you can without getting too emotional when you talk. The truth from both sides.
I’m actually now trying to calm my tears so I can drive home. I don’t want his girls to see me like this and probably won’t go in the house until they’re in bed. Think I’ll park out back & see if he’ll come chat in my truck.
Good luck… Tell him you just want the truth; no bs.
Thanks. . .truth is all I want and I think I’ll start by saying that. Now I’ve got fear flowing
So sorry you had to see that. Remember, you are equating his interest in porn with you not being enough. That is painful but it is also not objective thinking. People can partition something like porn from the rest of their life. It may be escapism, fantasy or whatever who knows. For a number of people on this forum it is an addiction.
I think you will feel better once you have talked this through with him and be clear about how you feel and what you consider acceptable. Then you can agree a way forward. It may involve setting down boundaries, it may require seeking help for him.
Thank you for reaching out and best wishes for whatever course of action you both agree to.
I have no advice regarding the relationship. Relationships are so personal and can be really complex. That’s for you two to work out.
I will say that I think you should give yourself a pat on the back for coming on here to vent and garner support. I also think that taking a drive to express your emotions, feel them, and collect yourself was a great idea. Maybe you don’t feel like commending yourself right now, but when the dust settles, I think you should.
I hope you decide to do what’s best for you both.
You’ve already gotten the best advice from others that posted above. I just wanna let you know that I’m really proud of you for coming here and not running to alcohol. Saying a prayer for you. Have a talk with him and listen thoroughly before responding and reacting. Wishing only the best for you Michelle.
I’m sitting here in tears again/still. I’m too emotional to have a proper conversation right now and he needs to tend to the girls before bedtime.
What you said @Piglet is sooooo true. It’s definitely about being not enough. It sounds like it’s fantasy for him. He repeated that he didn’t communicate with any of them but that doesn’t make me feel better. The fact he was searching out Asian women, while I was in our bed wishing for him to be there, really hurts. Him searching at all hurts. . .FUCK ME I HURT
Thanks so much. . . sitting here hugging and loving myself anxiously awaiting the girls’bedtime.
How much longer do you think you’ll be waiting? I’m so sorry you’re sitting there going thru this alone.
Probably close to an hour.