how this will appear when it posts -
But hello! I’m new here. I’m Gabriella. 
First time seeking outward help, or a community of sorts… rather than relying on my own abilities to get back to sobriety. I feel a bit odd about it, if I’m being honest. A bit uncomfortable - so I’m going to bite the bullet and give a little summary of my journey for those who are interested, and then I’ll go on rambling for those of you who are just looking for a little story to read.
I’m 21 years old, grew up in the good old midwest, y’know how it is, get them started early - (all jokes aside it was my own initiative). I had been drinking pretty heavily from 15-19 years old.
At 19, I was hospitalized for acute pancreatitis. I quit cold turkey - feeling it wasn’t even a matter of temptation anymore - but the only choice I had. The doctors pretty much said they’d never seen a case worse at such a young age.
I remained sober for one whole year. Hands down the best year of my life; all I could see was the opportunity surrounding me that had been hidden so long by my blurred vision. Then, I decided to move to NYC at 20, leaving home for the first time; pretty naive - innocent.
This was September 2021, about a year ago to date. I got a job immediately as a line cook, and well - you could guess what happened next. I relapsed. Hard.
So, as fall was rolling in the city, I met a boy, first kiss and whatnot blah blah -
I was overwhelmed and lonely and confused - misplaced emotions all over the place - and pouring endless drinks and (sneaking into bars because of course that’s that sort of thing you do when your boss can get you in) 
All of the sudden, I understood the stress, of the addicts in the restaurant industry. Of what Anthony Bourdain, my hero, meant. The stress was, well, stressful, but also a heavenly adrenaline rush.
As the months went on, I attempted to go sober multiple times. Each time only lasted a few days at most. And then in December, I finally felt so proud when I hit the 2-week mark. I returned to work, with people telling me I looked great! Healthy even! I felt much more myself.
The next day was New Years’ Eve… and then the next week; my birthday… and then a rager at a coworker’s… and all of the sudden I was in a swirl of deep blues and emotion and nonstop partying, reckless behavior…
Somewhere amongst all of this, I was sexually assaulted -
and the cycle worsened tenfold. I was back to being a full-blown alcoholic. Drinks in the morning before work, on my bathroom breaks, and all throughout the night. I was on a constant bender.
I finally decided in May, I had been in this depressive episode lasting months and abusing my body horribly. I left the city - and am now currently living with my parents back home, who are heavy alcoholics… I have tried multiple times this summer to go sober, but mostly failed attempts. It has felt like hell, returning to old habits in a familiar environment.
In August, I decided it was enough and became sober for 29 days. I felt great, in control. Making actual plans again. Planning to return to the city, to do over. To reclaim what had been wrongfully taken away. I guess you could say I was feeling a little cocky.
I relapsed pretty hard these past few weeks - and am today 3 days sober.
Thank you for reading if you got this far, I can’t tell you what it means to get this off my chest.
Love and hugs to all of you beautiful people in this community. 
