358 days no alcohol today. Nearly at the one year mark, and it’s kind of surreal. I am so confused. I am stuck in complete paradox. I am hurting yet proud. A part of me feels like, wow, look how far I’ve come, look at my strength, look what I am able to achieve! I never thought I’d be able to stop drinking and smoking. Yet here I am, another day sober. And it IS so wonderful. I am so grateful to be sober. To have learnt that I do not need nor want alcohol. However, here I am, still suffering. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually 
it sucks. It sucks that with all the knowledge and wisdom and experience I have, I do not feel okay. I do not simply make decisions nor do actions that are good for me. I have some sort of incapability to just “be okay”. To love myself and treat myself with the worth, and confidence, and calm that I need. I constantly make things hard for myself. In my own head. Its all me. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. I hate myself, but now it’s just even more of a secret as I think I try to deny that truth, as I constantly quest for love and joy and inner-peace. It just seems so deeply embedded within me. Like it’s always there, and anything else is a lie. I don’t want to feel this / believe this. I want to just accept who I am and move about my life with a bit of courage and confidence, knowing that no one is perfect; so why do I expect myself to be. Accepting that this world is what it is, and people are often selfish and self-serving, so I should stop caring so much and just be that too - cause maybe that’s our innate human nature. I don’t want to believe this. But I feel exhausted. I feel so much pressure - and really it’s from no one other than myself. I feel stupid. Blinded. And of course, not good enough. For anyone or anything. I feel like a failure. Yet, a part of me does know this is untrue. I’ve read a lot of other peoples stories on here, on coming up on their 1 year and things don’t feel “good” … like they “should”. Seems to a lot of turmoil around it, and I didn’t really understand why. I don’t know… I guess, I just expected, that year ago, that if I could just stop drinking, stop smoking, all my depression and anxiety would disappear. I thought they were the problem. Its really hard realising that it’s actually ME that is the problem. It’s my brain, my chemistry, my experience and genetics, history and make-up. It’s hard, when you feel like you’re trying every day to be better, to do better, and you don’t/Can’t/aren’t. I know there are so many daily practices I could do, to make me feel better, too… but I don’t seem to actually do them. I think about them, a lot. I make plans, but I don’t follow through. I might go through short bursts, where I’m doing healthy things, feeling good, but then I just revert back, always. I am tired of disappointing myself 
I seem to have built up so much resistance in my head, so much ease for avoidance or excuse/justification. I know there’s many aspects to all of this. Perfectionism disorder being a major. And lonliness another major. Being lonely exacerbates my belief that no one deeply cares about me, which entrenches my lack of self-worth - it affirms that I am NOT good enough.
Crazy. All of this. Because in retrospect, I truly do know deep down that I have a life so full of blessings. I have so much comfort and opportunity. Really, just makes me feel worse knowing that though, as I then recognise how ungrateful I really am. And ask myself, 'why, why can’t I just get my shit together and live life positively? Without all the worry and fear!? I am sober and I am free. Is that not enough for me!? Why can’t I just do the things I want to do, those things that I know make me feel good - i.e., yoga, beach walks, exercise, cooking, reading, healthy eating, learning Spanish … I am so good at helping others with this kind of thing, yet I feel like a fraud, cause I cannot seem to do it for myself. Anyway, sorry, bit of an overshare but just writing out what I’m feeling and hoping it helps. Any words of wisdom or advice? Or if you can can relate or feel something like this too. Please feel free to share here. I hear vulnerability is a good thing and sharing and seeking support and community helps 
I hear and feel you. I’m at about the same point in my sober journey. And all the underlying stuff is slowly coming out. I feel that mentally, emotionally and spiritually I have not reached rock bottom yet. But getting there. My main problem seems to me is procastination. I’m just waiting till my relationship with my bestie breaks (it might just have). I’m waiting till I fuck up my job so bad I’m forced out of it (getting there). I’m pinning my hopes on starting a therapy instead of facing and handling my problems myself which I could. My inertia has become worse and worse through the years and I don’t see a way out.
Indeed it’s good to share. Thanks for the opportunity. As far as advice goes, I’m not sure. Just go forward with microsteps I guess. I build this wall in my heart, my soul and my heart for 50 years. Only logical it will take a lot of time to tear it down again.
Thanks for sharing. I see a lot of similarities in your post to how I feel currently. I was totally unprepared for how my 1 year anniversity would affect me and it certainly wasnt positive (difficult and disheartening infact). My mental health took a real nosedive and its something that I struggle with daily. I think for me that first 12 months was about survival, with a very simple and clear rule: dont drink. Once I acheived that I was lost (still am). ‘Dont drink’ is an easy mantra/goal in theory, ‘be happy’ is far more complicated unfortunately. As is coming to the realisation that I have done some serious damage to my emotional development/mental health over the years that will require a lot of work. That’s what I’m trying to focus on at the moment but it’s slow progress. I’m gradually accepting this as part of me as uncomfortable as that is.
And what you say about loneliness I feel 100%. Drinking masked that feeling for me to a degree. Now I’m sober its really raw and it’s difficult to not sink into the thoughts and feelings that it will be like this forever. It’s exhausting wrestling with these negative thoughts.
I dont have any advice I’m afraid as I’m struggling with the same things myself, but you are not alone with these feelings 
Thanks Mno, I truly appreciate your time and generosity in this reply. Its hard isn’t it. And inertia is a great word to describe my inaction. I will continue to work on myself and try take things one day at a time, as hard as that can be when I’m so accustomed to anxiety and living in a constant state of worry and fear (mostly about not being enough or okay).
Time heals. I know I am healing. Its just slow. 
This really hit home. It’s comforting at least to know we are not alone in this experience. I wish you well in your journey @Hailstrom
I hope that day comes April. But I fear it may not. And this may be the part we need to accept… ? 🤷 I don’t know. It’s hard. Serenity prayer I guess. Thank you so much for your response, it helps to know I’m not alone in this experience. 
I can hear your frustration and your desire for healing. It IS hard getting to our year and wondering what the hell is happening here, why do I feel this way!? I certainly went thru that around my year mark. I wanted to feel healthy happy and whole and I sure didn’t…not at all. My anxiety went thru the roof, I was craving, I was just off all around. I know a lot of other people had some adjustments at a year as well…so you are not alone there at all.
One of the things I found around that time was that while I had built my sober toolbox and filled it well, it was my mental health that was in need of a tune up. For me, all the emotions and issues of my life that I drank at, all of that, was still roiling around in my psyche and body and needed expression, unearthing and healing. So I chose some talk therapy for a bit, coupled with about 5 months on Lexapro. Both helped me get thru that period. While it may sound counterintuitive to take Lexapro while working on easing the feelings trapped in my body out…for me and my cellular make up, it worked very well…there was a lot of emotion trapped inside and presenting as anxiety and panic attacks, it was important for me to be able to function while deep diving into talk therapy, yoga, meditation, etc. YMMV of course.
It does sound to me like working on your emotions is what your body and mind are asking of you.
Also, you mentioned perfectionism, that has long been one of my issues as well and I know it can arise when we are on a sober journey. Letting go of the need for everything to always feel happy, light, easy can be a challenge for many of us. Recognizing that all changes do not follow a linear path and neither does life in general…I don’t know about you, but I forget this a lot. It is okay to feel down, go thru periods of unrest, to feel those uncomfortable feelings and be okay with being uncomfortable. All that was big learning for me.
You are definitely on the right path, uncomfortable as it may be. You are strong and able and obviously asking questions, looking for and working on positive healthy solutions. None of this happens quickly (which face it, as drunks we want what we want now!) 
In all seriousness, it feels to me like you are right on track in healing and delving now into the recovery aspect…how to incorporate what you are learning in sobriety into all facets of your life.
Have faith in your self and your process. I don’t remember what your program encompasses, but perhaps consider some talk therapy or antidepressants for a bit or more meetings. I have also found that moving my body more really helps my mind…as does keeping my mind still…both sides of the coin. I know it can be hard to start and sustain change, for me, baby steps work…meditate for 5 minutes every couple of days or walk for 10 minutes a day. And build from there. Also, this is especially true for me…just tackle one thing at a time…gain some mastery and confidence…then move on to the next thing. My confidence was always so low, this worked best for me, otherwise I easily lost momentum. The key is to find and integrate what works for YOU, as we are all unique individuals with unique cellular chemistries.
I hope some of this resonates for you. And please know it does take time for your body and mind to heal on that deep cellular level…I believe that is where many of us are at physically and mentally at our year. So be gentle with yourself and your process. You are on the right path!!
Thank you so much @SassyRocks your words hold so much wisdom, I feel it as I read. Thank you. Your are so kind and caring. I resonate with so much of what you’ve said. I am about to go to sleep and will revisit your words again tomorrow 
Hi @emc2018 I am reading and processing this but wanted to reply to let you know - I’ll write a little more when I have time later today. Take care love - you are as precious as a sapling growing into a mighty tree.
I am not big on meds either, but for some people they are truly a life saver. They can also be helpful in conjunction with other therapies and for short term use. It is all highly variable for everyone. Finding what works for our selves is key!!
For me, i felt a lot of the same. My sponsor said something that put it into perspective. “You drank for 25ish years. Thats a lot of damage that builds up over time. Only a fool would think it could all be repaired in a year…Rome wasn’t built in a day”
yeah all of that and more, thanks for the share.
Hello fellow arms and legs thinker!! 
I’m not sure how much I can help, but I’ll list a few things I do to bring my mind back from the place it sounds like you’re speaking from.
- A year is brilliant.
- Breathe. Like actually concentrate on breathing. That’s it. Focus hard until you feel yourself genuinely prsent.
- Anxiety is a fear of tomorrow, depression is longing for yesterday. You need to reground yourself in today. Today only. What is good about today, what can I do today to feel good. (All your what ifs, comparisons, not good enoughs are drawing comparisons between where you are, where others are, where you could be, where you should be). Stop. That kind of thinking is not going to get you there. It doesn’t matter.
- Gratitude. Also a massive helper in staying present and seeing the value within yourself as you are now! And the environment around you as it is now! This sets you up much better mentally to actually invest in things you’d like to do like reading or Spanish. You aren’t beating yourself down before you start. You’re building yourself up.
- One foot in front of the other always. Even if they’re tiny, or shuffley footsteps, or staggery and in diagonal directions, as long as it’s forward.
- Try to release. Make a mental (or physical if you’re feeling crafty) plate in your mind. Fill it with all the things you’re thinking of, work, health, family members, friendships gone wrong, career, etc etc etc. And cut shit out. Literally discard the things you 1. Can’t control and 2. Can’t change. You’ll soon see that your plate is filled with a much smaller pile of aspirations and problems that are MANAGABLE!
- Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Youre human. Perfection is unattainable, focus on better, not perfection.
Coming from a lass who suffered a deep depression for 18 months and read her way out of it. These steps works for me and I continue to use many of them 5 years later hope you get something from it, if anything, just take the last point
This…all day every day!
Thanks @Apes2020 I understand what you’re saying. I’ve never been fond of the idea of antidepressants, I don’t really take medication of any kind, thankfully. Having said that though, I understand where Sassy is coming from, in that, I’ve been battling anxiety and depression for so so long now, that maybe I do need some help. A chance to balance out the possible imbalance of seretonin, oxytocin etc etc I’m not sure. I’ve been to see a therapist a few times and while it helped, I find it a difficult experience in itself and also, financially, it’s hard. Actually, I was told by someone today something that really hit home… "stop trying to fix you, you’re not broken" I guess this comes back to acceptance, and just trying to love me for exactly who and how I am, flaws and all, cause, really, they’re not flaws at all. I am perfectly me, as I am. We can only do our best, each day, in the moments we are given.
Oh wow yes this is so true. Thank you !
Thank you so much for sharing your steps they make complete sense to me and I can see and know how these would help. Amazingly, these are things I have learnt myself over recent years through lots of reading, searching, listening and learning. That’s why I feel frustrated with myself that I can’t seem to apply it. Well, I can, I guess I just gotta keep trying and believe I’m worthy of living this way, with worth and love for myself.
Exactly, we don’t need fixing, we need understanding and compassion for our selves and for myself a safe place to let go of things that no longer serve or sustain me and ways to reframe negative thoughts, etc. That is what I have gained thru therapy, meditation, yoga, reading, etc over the years.
Sobriety brought me to self love and self confidence and all the tools in my toolbox help me heal.
Everyone has their own journey and what works or not for them. Hearing what works for others helps me find new ways of looking at things or new things to try. The willingness of people to share their path and what has helped or not helps me immensely. Sometimes it is as simple as knowing I am not alone in feeling a particular way and other times hearing someone reframe a concept or feeling so well…it helps me look at stuff with fresh eyes and perspective.
Damn, I am tired, I think I am rambling!
Love this thread tho!
I feel like I just read my life story
You do exactly this for me @SassyRocks and I am so thankful healing takes time. I do know I am on the path, pointed in the right direction and slowly moving forward. In times of stress it just gets a bit cloudy I guess. But this path is so full of sunshine more than it is rain! I am grateful to have found it and sobriety has been such a huge, amazing day scary aspect of it. Bout to hit 360 days, that is a blessing I can see and feel deeply with gratitude 