Keep practicing, it takes time. I don’t think it matters what kind of recovery your in really, I’m 5 years on and I still sometimes feel I don’t have a grip on things and cry and write and my head runs a riot at night. It’s hard forming new neural pathways, forming new habits, it will feel it’s 90% in favour of life winning and 10% of you in control, but in time this balance begins to shift in your favour 
just never neglect your negative emotions, it’s also massively important even when you feel like you’ve got a grip of things that you still acknowledge when you do feel bad too it’s all balance
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Thanks Keeks 
Yeh, you’re soo right! It IS hard! 
So hard!! I think about balance allll the time, I know that is what I need - in every aspect of my life. Balance = harmony. Its just, for some reason or other, balance seems so hard for me! Like with food, for example. I know if I can just create a balanced, healthy lifestyle I will feel so much better. And I know, for me, what that balanced healthy lifestyle looks like, it’s just, I can’t seem to actually DO IT at the moment. As in, DO the things that I know make me feel “better” - more joy, energy, ease, accomplishment. And it’s the not “doing it” that becomes exhausting, cause every night I go to bed disappointed with my actions/choices that day - and that’s usually due to an accompanied sick, anxious feeling.
Anyway, it’s the end of day 361 alcohol free and I feel super proud of that at least 
I’m still very thankful to be sober and LOVE my life without alcohol & smoking. So I’ll just keep my focus there. And remember, in every respect, taking one day at a time is best.
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Tomorrow is a BRAND NEW DAY! And with it will come strength, courage and determination. I will make healthy, loving choices that honour my mind, body and soul Goodnight all (or Good Morning if you’re in the US/UK) x
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Try not to wake up with the expectation that you must DO something. You can see the picture for what it is, if you’re finding you can’t commit to a balanced diet, exercise, reading etc, don’t force it. We all get their in our own time, we all reach our own limit with ourself and we make the change when all the chips are down. You came do to it with alcohol, my you reached the limit and made the change. And I bet the day you decided to go sober, wasn’t the first day you had thought about all the benefits nor considered what you had to do in order to achieve it. By the sounds of it, there are much smaller hurdlers you need to address first to better set yourself up. Lifestyle changes are big, and happen at real turning points, but you can start setting things in motion by maybe just drinking a little more water, or really looking into the nitty gritty of your insecurities and why your expectations of yourself are so high. It sounds like you spend so much time setting the bar unattainable high and falling short that your writing yourself off before you’ve even gotten started. Don’t run before you can walk the answers lie within, once you know yourself better, I can guarantee you’ll feel far more able to put your best foot forward
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Ah yes all of this! All of what you’ve written to be honest.
I have the tendency to get very hung up on what I should be doing, some idealised ‘the right thing’. To the point that I actually don’t really know who I am or what I want to do.
The stars have recently aligned for me to quit my job and set up on my own and that has given me something to be really excited about, or at least to look ahead to rather than constantly looking inside myself.
I know distracting myself from my low self esteem isn’t a good long term strategy, but it is nice to have a bit of relief! It’s actually the first time I haven’t had serious depression or anxiety for a whole month in over a year.
Something I found that helped with managing the ‘I shoulds’ is rewriting those sentences to something more forgiving. E.g. instead of I should have done that by now - I can do that later if I want to, that person will appreciate it if I get round to that, etc.
If you’re really struggling with things you actually have to do - there aren’t that many things we really have to do - but like work, paying bills, eating, then focus on those. The other things are a plus, if they are making you feel pressured then that is totally not the point. I have stopped doing daily yoga, meditation, clean eating, long walks. I was doing all these things when mental health took a serious nosedive (after about 5 months sober).
I have put weight on and I’m getting out of shape… But I am feeling calmer. Like you I have much to be grateful for and I am starting to appreciate that rather than use it as a stick to beat myself with. When I start adding lifestyle changes in, I am going to do these one at a time. This really goes against my ‘boom and bust’ instincts but if I want to avoid crashing lows I need to stop chasing the highs of firing on all cylinders.
I have been referred to the next step of CBT but that will be at least 6 months away. I am interested in trying Emotions Anonymous, another recovery group, or something else spiritual at some point, but I’m not ready right yet.
Anyway that is me. Thank you for articulating what is also in my head so well and giving me the chance to share all that! I hope some of what’s in mine is helpful to you 
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I can relate alot to how you feel , I’m sober and still not completely happy , but that’s the thing , just like we aren’t perfect, nothing’s perfect , not even life , and it gets depressing when you come to that conclusion but you also got to remember that just because life isn’t perfect that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the good in it. We need the negatives to help us appreciate the positive…life’s a balance . I felt the way you feel…hell I still do at times, yet one of the best things I did besides getting sober was getting a therapist …idk if you’ve tried that but you should because I can vouch on it . It’s good you vented on here , as you can see there’s many people here who want to help. You are blessed and have alot to offer the world . Congrats on making a year , keep it up .
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I would say that you might try volunteering. Helping others instead of trying to help yourself. That selflessness would help you validate yourself because you are doing it for someone besides yourself. You could realize all the things you are looking for are inside you but need to be given freely to others. There are so many organizations that would love to have a sober reliable person helping with their cause. You say you live in comfort. Try getting out of your comfort zone and giving back to your community. It might help with all your mistrust and negative feelings. Be part of the solution. Act don’t just sit on the sidelines with negativity and doubt about society. See for yourself that the unseen goodness that happens everyday and never gets mentioned is real and matters. Just a thought sorry if it seemed a bit preachy. I just felt like you might need motivation to kick start that beauty in your heart that you have forgot about. Now go out and make a difference in the world. 
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Hi @siand thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. It’s really fascinating actually, that this post, that I was very much afraid to actually share, has resonated with so many others and has shown me that I am not alone in feeling and thinking like this. That’s nice to know actually, because it’s really difficult when you’re not feeling like you think you ‘should’.
I love that you have the courage to quit your job and go after something that you want. That you are prepared to brave the wilderness and seek out something that excites you! That is inspiring! That journey will no doubt have it’s challenges, but I feel like you are going to be so immensely rewarded, hopefully with an abundance of joy and fulfillment 
Perhaps, distracting yourself is the only strategy … because it’s causing you to move forward, to focus on something else, other than anxiety and depression. It’s causing you to see what else there is and how else you are able to be. Keep moving forward, keep “distracting” yourself and you might have just found that beautiful light, having gone through a very long, dark tunnel.
I love your suggestion for rewriting ‘I shoulds’ into more forgiving sentences. This will be very helpful for me, too I think. Because I am a serial “shoulda…” and that’s when my inner critic gets so loud. Coming back to the present moment and practicing a bit of mindfulness is also helpful. The main struggle I actually have right now, is a university assessment I am doing. I am in my final year, and this assessment is ‘the big one’ and it’s just weighing me down. My head has decided I don’t want to do it 
and now I am faced with so much resistance everyday and it is just so hard to overcome! My procrastination is on another level, and I am making it so much harder for myself than need be. Anyway, I will keep pushing forward, it’s only 2 more weeks and then I know I will feel better, as I will feel free.
Thank you again, so much. Your response is so very helpful xx
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Thanks @Johasy_Toribio. Really appreciate your reply your words really resonated with me and you have wonderful perspective. I am …slowly… learning that life is a balance, and that perfection is unattainable. I have seen a therapist briefly in the past. I definitely think it would be helpful to return to her to seek help and guidance through all of this. Thank you so much for your words.
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Not preachy at all. Thank you, Mike @Phoenixfighter. I really appreciate your suggestion. Helping others is something I am so passionate about, especially children (this is why I want to be a teacher) and I know that this is the best route to helping yourself . Haha, hope I can make a difference! Thank you, I feel so motivated right now, hopefully use that to get some serious study done today! 
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I understand you and it’s not easy.
And there’s no miraculous solution.
You should feel proud for your inner strength.
And sometines, some cogniive therapy might help.
All the best,
Ricardo
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I can relate a lot to what you’ve written @emc2018. Finding this ^ in recovery has been a game changer for my mental health. I was putting a lot of energy into what I thought I had to be doing to gain a certain outcome and the outcome was usually based off what I thought and what society tells me I should: be/look like/act like/represent. And if I didn’t push myself to fit in that box I created in my mind, I was failing.
But letting go of who I thought I should be and truly allowing myself to just be me has been such a relief. It’s hard because I had no idea who I was. Everything was done out of my perfectionist mentality. Which when I really reflect on it, my actions were only done as requirements, restrictions etc and if I didn’t do or not do them, I was a failure and worthless. I truly resented life even though my life was good! Which only made me feel worse and more guilty. I had wonderful children and so many blessings yet I hated being a mom and was ungrateful for everything around me.
After I completed my first year of sobriety, I couldn’t believe where I was at mentally. I still felt like a child. Like my emotions were still ruling me. Like I was a fake, a phony. I kept making myself into a victim to continually say “woe is me” (and other bad habits that kept me emotionally stunted). Finally I accepted that I had a long way to go even though I was already a year into sobriety.
My second year of sobriety I felt like I was taking my power/responsibility back slowly from everyone and everything I had given it to. Most importantly I was taking it back from the expectations I had for myself. I became more accountable for my actions and my reactions, but I was still pretty naive to how self sabotaging I was continually being. I was still creating scenerios to maintain and support my identity (identity of being a victim mostly). This kept me going in circles for a long time in my second year.
Now that I’m into my third year, I am feeling a lot more grounded. And a little more comfortable in my skin. I have boundaries that I uphold (which is creating genuine trust within myself), and I’m speaking lovingly to myself more often (which is helping ease the compulsion to DO and allowing myself to just BE). I’m recognizing self destructive scenerios more quickly and using the knowledge and experience I’ve gained to have better reactions.
anywho, I guess my post was to say that it can get better, and that you are not alone. I really appreciate your post and everyone’s responses. It’s really interesting seeing how this resonates so deeply with many on here. What an interesting topic of discussion, thanks
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Thanks Ricardo. I really appreciate your kindness and generosity, for taking the time to reply. I am proud of my inner strength, I forget some days, that I have any strength at all, but I know I do. I am here and I am sober and that IS strength. Being sober takes courage and determination. I am thankful that sobriety is showing me this inner strength
Wishing you well on your journey too. Many blessings to you.
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Wow, everything you’ve said here really hits home Lea! Thank you for sharing and shedding some insight and light onto things in a really helpful way. I appreciate that you’re here, and knowing that I’m not alone in this. I am blown away by all of the responses actually, and how many ppl understand and can know or appreciate this feeling. I look forward to the next stage of my recovery journey, no doubt with all the highs and lows that you and others have come to share. I feel good knowing that, having a community such as this, the future looks bright. I know in my heart, so deeply that sober life = my best life. Its a balanced equation. One side is equal to the other. So I will continue forward, learning to set boundaries along the way and remembering that life is progress not perfection. Perfection is a myth. So I need not be so hard on myself all the dam time. You’re right, I’m going to stop putting all the limits and requirements and expectations on myself, and just live each day, best I can. Because WE ARE NOT FAILURES, WE ARE JUST HUMAN. And good ones at that 
Xxxx
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Loneliness hurts.
I guess, one good thing about being alone is that I have so much time for myself… to work on myself.
I’m tired of being alone though. I often feel sad about it, like an empty, longing feeling. I wish I had someone to share things with. My love and affection. Joy. Enthusiasm and excitment. Curiosity. Laughter.
I pray that this will one day change, that I won’t feel loneliness anymore.
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I love this. I think I’m going to be learning this for the rest of my years on this planet. It’s true, isn’t it, that unless we’re able to sit with the uncomfortable stuff, to set a place at the table for it, we don’t get to truly feel the joy either - but this I continue to learn…
In the words of a 13th century poet…
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
— Jellaludin Rumi
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Thankyou! I’ll look it up!
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emc2018 wow you said a lot right there. What you said sounds a lot like untreated alcoholism. I’m coming up on a year sober in less then 2 weeks. Stopping drugs and alcohol is only a beginning. We have to enlarge our spiritual life if we want to be free from that self bondage and we have to work with other alcoholics. For me it was selfishness self-centeredness I had to stop thinking about me and my problems and being in a home group in Alcoholics Anonymous connected me to other alcoholics. Doing my best to live by spiritual principles helped me pull away from my character defects though still far from perfect thinking of others and doing the right thing made many of my problems go away and facing my fears literally brought me freedom I’ve never known. And like somebody mentioned they were getting loaded for 25 years, there’s no way we could have our shit together in a year. Sort of unrealistic. I’ve been getting loaded for 30 years this Is the first time I’ll have a year sober and the wreckage from my past is going to take years to try to clear as much harm that I’ve done. Alcoholism is a sober disease. We take the drugs and the alcohol away and there’s still something wrong with us right? Instead of thinking what can we do to make our lives better I think what would God have me do and how can I help that person who’s trying to get 30 days sober. I don’t know i feel like your not going to give up I feel like you have your ups and downs, I read all your post, and we all go through it so your not alone.
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Thank you @Francisco1. I hear you and can totally agree with what you are saying. I appreciate it, a lot Helping others is the golden key to helping ourselves 
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In discussing our situations, a good friend in the program says repeatedly:
Things are going to work out, often just not like we planned them to.
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