That’s freaking rad advice thanks @Keeks!!! 
Couple months on, and sadly feel in the same place. Thought I may as well record it here, as today I have been feeling completely defeated and off - my mind has been constantly trying to figure out “what’s wrong with me” and how I can “fix” myself… strangely enough, I find this thread I started months ago, without actually intending too. It’s saddening to read my first post actually, as it’s exactly how I still feel today 
I will read back through all the kind and helpful responses on this thread and I’m sure that will help some. But really feel sick that this is who I am and how it IS for me… I feel so lonely. Yet, I am the cause of my loneliness. My mental health is fucked and I’m my own worst enemy 
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Thinking alot lately. Feeling alot too. Thankfully, I have been blessed this past 6 weeks with the gift of TIME. I have finally had time to just be. No work, no obligations (other than the ones I put on myself, which I tend to do, however I am learning to do so less and to just let things be and let time pass without having to do or accomplish anything). I’m now just past the 1.5yrs sober mark and, given that I’m feeling less stressed in the current moment, I feel my mental health has improved. Stress is such a major factor in our health! And it’s so hard to manage and/or control it. I’m not very good at that. And so I’m learning to accept and surrender. Life is always going to be stressful at times. But I can choose how I respond to that stress. E.g., I choose NOT to drink. I choose to take a breath. To accept that I react how I do sometimes, because I am not perfect - in fact far from it. But that is okay. I am here and I am learning and growing. There is no destination. There is just today, and today is my life. Expectations, I’ve learnt, set us up for stress, fear, regret and often failure. None of this is ‘bad’, but by relinquishing expectation as much as we can, and going with what IS in each moment, I know we all have a better chance at some inner peace and calm. As my journey in and of life continues, no doubt I will be grappling with my mental health and seeking and searching for healing. One day I may just find it.
How is your journey of sobriety, mental health and recovery going? Please share, if you want to 
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Oh wow @emc2018, such an affirming and beautiful post. Watching (reading) your process is an honor and an education. Today is a great day to be sober!
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Aww, thank you Sassy! That means a lot to me. I’m just so grateful for this space, to be able to express what I feel here and to describe my experience with the knowing that this is a safe and supportive place, full of beautiful people like yourself who understand and care. I love that.
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Hola amigos,
I’m feeling tired and stressed and just not in a physically, nor emotionally good place right now… actually we can add mentally and spiritually to that too. So, I feel like I needed somwhere to write out my thoughts and feelings, hoping to release some of it perhaps, as it’s all becoming a heavy weight I’m bearing.
This year has been tough. And I know I’m not the only one experiencing tough times. I’m not sure what’s “wrong with me”. Whether it’s anxiety, depression, burn-out, chronic fatigue or something other. I do know that I feel like shit. I am thinking negatively often, I’m extremely tired and “over it” (people, places, situations, everything & everyone). I don’t feel like anyone really gets it, or cares to. I’ve been sober for 758 days as of today, and I’m proud of that, but I’m also pissed that being sober hasn’t helped me with all this other shit. I understand that this year is a significant challenge as it’s my first year teaching, and I teach at a very challenging school, and I have close to 300 students each week, which I get to see for about 65mins each a week. The workload of a teacher is insane! Especially if you’re a teacher who cares. If you want to actually HELP your students and show up for then in a way that matters, then you can expect to be drained and exhausted and wondering WTF is going on in this world, for there’s not enough time in a day, and some people, who’ve chosen to have children, are not giving them the love and support they are owed. The expectations from the school/education dept themselves feel unmanageable. I’m trying my best to find work/life balance - but it’s a real struggle. I know having perfectionist-disorder thats so deeply ingrained (due to my lifelong fears of not ever being “good enough”) does not help! I’m fact, it means I procrastinate, stress and make myself physically sick with worry - not just about work, but about everything.
I just feel like I’ve lost my will and my way. I love teaching. I LOVE working in education…I especially love working with disadvantaged students who need someone in their life that helps them realise and believe that they matter and that they are WORTHY of love and belonging.
I know I am worthy too, of love, joy and happiness. But, on many days, these things elude me. 
I don’t know if it’s genetics, or it’s just my nature and I’ve just been developing this sense of self for as long as I can remember. It is why I believe I used to drink and suffer the way I would, I’d want to escape. Sometimes, I fucking hate reality.
I know this too shall pass and I hope I can see and be the bright shining light in my life that I have been and have felt before. But right now, I’m tired and wanting to run away. I want to run away from responsibility. And the pressure I put on myself. I wish this Covid shit would just be done. I want to go to Spain. And enjoy life. I don’t want to think and feel the pain and hurt of loneliness, sadness and disappointment. Of being let down by others. Of expecting so much of myself, and others.
Anyway, my apologies for such a downer post. But, I wanted to write it out and see if it helps.
I owe this community my sobriety and I’m really grateful for it thanks
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I really enjoyed this thread - how are you doing now EMC?
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You are not alone. I am so glad you shared your feelings with us.
I was just talking to a friend yesterday about basically this same fatigue - malaise - what is happening in our world…sigh. Life is a lot for everyone right now. But knowing that doesn’t ease our mental physical spiritual burden. You are strong and wise to write it out and let off a little pressure.
I find myself turning more to a short nightly peace meditation and yin yoga to calm my body mind and soul. Baby steps. But still I feel my nervous system on high alert daily. Sigh.
Be gentle with yourself dear @emc2018. It is okay to be in that not knowing uncomfortable place. I am sending virtual hugs and many thank yous for all you do to make our world a better place. I am also sending out my daily dose of positive healing juju to you and all of us here on this planet.
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Thank you for sharing this with us. I dont feel myself very good atm. Know, that you are not alone facing life on life’s term. 
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I am a teacher as well and worked in schools for 6 years. I worked at two different schools in that time:
- At the first school, the workload was off the charts. I routinely worked 12, sometimes 16 hour days, and often on weekends. It was less in my second and third years there, but still well above what is balanced.
- At the second school, I had twice as many students but the workload was much, much more manageable. We had long days at exam time (late nights marking) but most days I was able to get home for dinner.
I believe the workload at the second school was more manageable for several reasons:
- There was a much better team culture of consultation and mutual support between teachers. We had 8 teachers in my subject group and we collaborated often on planning and delivering syllabi and assessments.
- There were much clearer and more consistent expectations of student behaviour. The school had a daily schedule of exercise for the students and teachers, and it had clear expectations about student behaviour in classes. Each class had monitors who were responsible for performing attendance checks and maintaining basic organization in the classroom.
- There was much more and better teacher training. The first school had no training program to speak of; the second one had a big annual training every August, and shorter trainings each semester. The school leaders also participated in the trainings, fostering a team spirit and showing humility.
I didn’t realize it at the time but after a few years reflecting on my experience, I believe the school administration and leadership, and its professional culture, is the reason I struggled so much in my first position.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this EMC. You don’t deserve to feel so alone and abandoned in your role. You don’t deserve to feel this antipathy. You deserve to belong and to feel seen and cared for - and it sucks that you are not being cared for now 
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Thank you @SassyRocks it helps just to know and feel reassured that I’m not alone. Thank you for always being so kind and caring, I always look for and appreciate your responses. Feeling tired today, but less anxious. I will do a peaceful meditation before sleep tonight 
Sending hugs to you too xx
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We’re here for each other @anon74766472 times when we’re feeling like this we need to seek out support and rest and ease. Hope you’re okay today x
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Thanks Matt. Your words mean a lot and are helpful, thank you again it’s Friday afternoon and I’ve just finished for the week, going to try and not do any work this weekend, and ensure I rest and relax.
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Thanks Brian. I’m doing okay. Still feeling flat and like I have to ‘push through’. But that’s alright, I can accept that this is how I feel now, at the moment, and I have hope and faith it’s all helping me grow and become a stronger and wiser soul 
forever learning and growing…
How are you? How is your sober journey? Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need to 
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Hello @emc2018
First, well done with your long sobriety, i havent been one year sober after high school times and now im 34😅 i wish i can get to that point some time (4 days sober now).
You seem to recognize your feelings and problems quite well, thats a big plus. Then it’s easier to share thoughts with someone. I was also very touched by your story and i see very much similar in our situations. Everyones lifes are still unique so ofc there are no straight answers. But speaking of perfect, no need to be perfect because we are all unique, imperfect, always. That’s the beauty of life, it would be quite boring if we would all be perfect the same.
Pursuit of perfection is a wide …i would like to say problem. All around western countries. Some of it can ofc be born with you, but also parents/family/society wants often raise you towards perfection. Perfection character is often with alcoholics and maybe with other addictives. We push ourselves until we are exhausted and then we need our medicine to relax.
I have mental problems and alcohol problem. Still i see my mental problem the first problem i’ve ever had. As a child i spent many nights awake thinking shit. I didn’t ofc drink at all back then. As an adult i started drinking so in addition i started having drinking problem wich feeded my mental problem and up side down. A circle.
But. Be happy and proud of your sobriety, drinking wouldn’t make your situation any inch better. And you are not alone.
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Hi Finn,
Thanks for your message. It means a lot to me that you took the time to write and I could really feel your understanding as I read your words. You’re so right, perfectionist-disorder is just that, this (unnecessary) pushing and placing of expectations on ourselves - to a point of exhaustion like you say, that we then look for any substance to help us to stop, relax, ease-away for it all becomes a bit too much and we just want to escape. This is the feeling that I deal with constantly… wanting to run away - from my life, from my responsibilities, from … everything. But, the truth is, I can’t actually run away from it, because “the problem”, so to speak, isn’t the external things, it is the expectations themselves that come from within. This relentless pursuit to be “enough”, but in the eyes of who? For, in reality, it is only through my own eyes that I’ll see and know that I’m already enough. You are too. We don’t need to be or do anything. We don’t need to push ourselves. We don’t need expectations that can’t be lived up to. We need not feel exhausted all the time.
It’s funny, because as I type this I feel I’m having a moment of clarity. Yet, alas, it will fade. So, we’ll wait and see what tomorrow brings 
… right now, I’m trying to stay living in a place of gratitude. Focusing my attention on the abundance of good things in my life - the blessings - and hoping it helps to keep my lifted and thankful, even on the days where mentally I’m not doing so good. I’m no longer giving energy to this idea of running away. I have everything I need right here. It is within. It is this awareness that helps me. I can’t run from who I am. I can just acknowledge and know that it can and will be better. If I allow myself to be.
I hope you’re doing well and you’re also happy and proud of your sober days, because you deserve to be
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Thanks for your message @emc2018 . You have a good attitude so keep it calm and buzz on 
(that was acctually a restaurants name i saw today ”Be calm&buzz on”
).
Speaking of running away it COULD help in a sittuation if you were in middle of crisis with mixed feelings and confusion. If you COULD then take a trip somewhere far away from your circles for maybe a month? it could clearen to you which feelings go away and which won’t. It could make clearer to you what is worth to value and be proud in life.
I made that kind of thing this year, first in the winter I moved about 1000 km away from my home town for work. Then i moved back for spring to my home town. Then again i moved 800 km away from my home town for work. I partly had to do this because covid has worsened work situation around my home region.
Well, I have drank a lot all along the passing year but now I have been 10 days sober (maybe the record this yr:see_no_evil:
) but now i have been starting to clear my head and feel things differently and think all sorts of things like what i miss back home and what would i like to start doing, what is and isn’t possible back home compared away from there, how are the people different cross the country etc. This could sound confusing but i’m writing this in a night train moving for work:grin:
…i just took a catch from your ”running away”. But yes i am also been feeling once in a while in life like i’m running away from myself. Typical problem of an alcoholist, escapism. But maybe traveling sober could solve some feelings?
Nevertheless, feeling good with being sober now. Strange to feel emational changes so quickly🤔i’ve been smiling and laughing more and joking with my co-workers at least😀 Happy and thankful for finding this community, even just reading posts here has been very motivating. Hope that I can share more thoughts with you @emc2018 in the future also:) Many other good people here also, many wise words that i have read👏
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I am looking forward to when I can “run away” to Spain, haha. I’ve been planning to go and live in Spain for quite some time now, yet, unfortunately 'ol Covid-Pandemic foiled those plans 
BUT, it’s okay! I believe everything happens for a reason and I do know that everything always works out for the best (even though it may not seem like it at the time). I know I’ll get to go to Spain soon. I’m hoping to go in summer next year, which will be a great escape.
Congratulations on your 10 days sober! That is awesome!! You have so much more happiness and good sober times ahead of you. As the days add up, it gets easier and you start to realise that this, this is the life you are meant to live
sober life = our best life for sure 
just remember that there will be some hard days, but on those days, just say NO to the drink that matters - the first drink! Then there won’t be a second or third and so on. When you think having a drink is a “good idea”… play the tape alllll the way through! It’s NOT a good idea. You know it, deep down. That’s why you stopped. Waking up each day sober is such a blessing and brings such self-respect, courage and confidence. If you’re ever having a bad day, know that we’re here. There’s so many amazing people on this forum truly caring and want to help and support you. It’s amazing. It’s this forum that has helped me to stay sober for over 700 days now. So, never hesitate to reach out if you need to @Finn And,
Only every worry about today. Let tomorrow sort itself out. For we only really have today anyway. Just for today, choose to go to bed sober. All the best friend.
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Thanks for support and wise words😊 700 days sober is amazing! I want to be sober firstly ofc because drinking is damaging my life (and indirectly people around me) but i am also sober curious because i haven’t been much sober for long periods in my life. Curious about physical and emotional changes which might happen. Positive changes hopefully😅
Hopefully you get to Spain at some point😊 if i could travel somewhere away from western world, i would want to experience the real culture and learn if there would be some different, good things which i could include to my own life. It would be interesting to live with ordinary people somewhere else, not just have sun and eat (and drink) cheap. Traveling can also remind you what is worth to value in your daily life.
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I approve and endorse this sentiment. It’s a proven formula for freedom.
Bravo to you for applying this and achieving extended sobriety. Keep getting better at getting better!
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