I did NOT want to start this year like this. I drank last night and immediately wanted to go out. My parents know my patterns and begged and begged for me to stay home but I insisted and promised to give me one last chance to be home in a few hours. I ended up hanging with a bunch of random/really bad people and doing blow till this morning. I feel so much guilt, shame, anxiety, and paranoia. I don’t want to be like this because I know it’s killing my parents worrying about me. It’s time to start going to AA but I’m really struggling right now with these negative emotions. Help! I’m so sick of being this person that I don’t know it’s like living a double life and I don’t want to keep doing this bc this is not the life I imagined for myself and it has to stop now…
Well hopefully its the lesson/scare or whatever you needed to get and stay sober…
Try to relax, your new year starts today!
I know you feel awful, you’re learning as you go, 
What do you consider your drug of choice? Does one lead to another? How long had you been sober before?
The longest I was sober was 3 months but I’ve been going on two-three day benders for a while now with a few days in between for recovery. I never do blow unless I’m drunk so I know if I can eliminate drinking the blow with go too.
Hey, sorry to hear you went out and used.
The only thing that’ll make you feel better right now is to make a plan of action and commit yourself to it. Here are things that helped other ppl: Resources for our recovery
I can tell you that any successfull plan of action will include getting over this:
It’s not another person who makes your choices and it’s not their reasons and conflicts that lead you to get fucked up. It’s your choices, your inner conflicts and emotional reasons. You gotta find and work on your Whys if you want lasting sobriety. That means identifying with yourself. This step cannot be skipped.
You can do this, there is no reason you cannot
Make a plan and start putting in some work.
I definitely do it because of the way I’m feeling right now so it’s hard to get enough clean time where I feel no anxiety or anything. And when I do get to that point occasionally, I drink again out of boredom and it’s not realistic to be busy all the time so I have to get comfortable just doing nothing and chilling at home.
Aha. Running from anxiety. Sure. That’ll be part of it. Anxiety will be there in sobriety. If you look it up with the magnifying glass, there are a lot of ppl on here dealing with it. That can be helpful to you.
I never know what to say when someone tells me they are ruining their life outta boredom. Tbh I don’t buy it. I think there are more serious things at work. But that’s for you to find out.
Tbh chilling at home will not get you sober. A plan of action includes working on your relationship with yourself, doing therapy, 12 step, recovery literature, healthy habits…i don’t wanna list a million things, there’s a very comprehensive collection in the link I sent. It’s up to you entirely. Good luck!
I’m in therapy now and also have a psych doc but I guess it’s not helping as much as I need it to. I think joining AA will be good for me cause I also crave social interaction and talking to people which leads to drinking normally (talking/ hanging out w people I don’t even like and wouldn’t hangout w sober!) definitely makes me feel pathetic
That’s good to hear you’re in therapy. Hope you’re honest with your therapist about everything in your life. That’s the foundation for “it to work”.
AA is a good idea. It might not be enough. It also depends on how much you put in. Just showing up anywhere, be that the therapist or AA or the gym, is not going to get results. You gotta do what is required. Not saying you’re not doing it, I don’t know you, just in general.
I’ve been in therapy for 3 1/2 years, same as I am sober. I’m also a very anxious person and it restricts me. Used to have debilitating depression. That’s all better now. So I’m not just talkiing here. I know it can get better. But I also know it is hard work. But you CAN do it. Hundert percent sure.
I drank from boredom and loneliness too. I found that social circle here and in the room of AA
Maybe you should try N.A. as well. Alcohol and narcotics are all inclusive in that fellowship but I go to both. The bright side is you don’t have to drink or use if you don’t want to one day, one moment at a time. All those negative emotions will pass be grateful you’re alive to tell the tail, and possibly get busy in you’re recovery. It’s not easy by any means. It feels a lot better than those reoccurring feelings you’re having now after a bender. It’s a new day brush those shoulders off, sleep it off, and start taking action. You’re not alone 
Yes! Definitely completely honest with my therapist and I do everything I can to get the most out of my sessions and practice when I’m not in session. I just don’t know what else I can do and I can’t just continue on cause nothing will change then so I thought maybe AA should be apart of my new plan.
I 100% support ditching the alcohol too, as well as giving AA a try. I can’t tell you how many people have mentioned to me that AA has saved their lives. It helps millions of people every day. And you’re right, it has social benefits as well. Lots of people to talk to, not just if you’re struggling, but as normal people to build normal relationships with.
AA works best if you keep coming back. Many people feel at home instantly. For me, it took a while before I felt comfortable. The first few meetings also weren’t the best for me but after a bit of effort, I found a time/meeting place that was a better fit for me.
I can’t speak to NA as I haven’t been, but I hear it has many similarities.
Exactly! If nothing changes, nothing changes. Hear that a lot at AA 
Thank you! I will definitely try NA too! I’m willing to do anything so I appreciate the advice!!
AA works best when you get desperate enough. From your original post i think you are there but it doesnt matter what any of us think. Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? 2023 can be the year you take control of your life and find solutions
You make a great point that I’ll keep in mind. I’ve been to AA many times but I never stuck with it which is why I don’t think it worked. The last meeting I went to were all significantly older people and all of them had years and years of clean time. Then I cried in front of all of them lol they were super nice but it was definitely not going to be my home group and then I just didn’t try to find another one to test out.
This sounds like you might be doing CBT or DBT. Nothing wrong with it. But there are also other kinds of therapy out there. Some go deeper than others. Some are aimed more at changing habits. I do psychoanalysis which is all talking, realising your own actual feelings and unconscious beliefs. I know personally I would not click with CBT. That’s ok, that’s why there are different approaches. Have a look around. Maybe it’s time for you to change/add therapeutic approaches.
Best of luck. Ppl care about you.
That’s the thing with me tho… I am desperate but I have been for a long time (or so I thought) and then I worry like am I not desperate enough now? When will I be desperate enough? It’s very worrisome!