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I’ve had hard time these last 2 weeks. I lost my ability to sleep, once again, dang it. I’ve been stressing about my physical stamina in my job try out. I just don’t seem to be up for it but I’m not giving up yet. We’ll reorganise my work schedule.
I detected a major root for my prevailing stress and anxiety regarding future/career in therapy. It’s a breakthrough… and yet another thing to be dealt with! Ugh.
I’ve also learnt more about the formula of my insomnia. It’s mainly psychosomatic. I will probably always be a light sleeper with a tendancy for insomnia, but there are things that I can do. It’s just gonna take time… Like everything. Sigh.
Sobriety wise… I’m having urges, strong ones. Like scale 7-9. My body is yearning to be touched, held and caressed. These nights are hard not having a partner.
Disclaimer: I’m venting, this is not a public booty call 
Dear Tribe, please send some TLC on my way 
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I visited some elderly relatives of mine (disclaimer: we’re all vaccinated, healthy and not in lockdown). A lovely couple in their 80s I’ve known all my life. My home village/community is strikingly quiet nowadays. No children but only pensioners. The wife was reminiscing how things were decades ago when there were more people everywhere. Then she said something that pinned me down: “I wish I had cherished those times more, although it was just ordinary back then.”
Indeed. We have no idea how our lives and circumstances will look like in a few years or decades. Things will probably be different then. The daily I live now slips away so quickly and quietly when my focus is elsewhere. I’ve felt guilty that my life isn’t somehow “bigger” or that I’m not doing something meaningful in a large scale. I’ve also lived in deep regret of past things.
What is the ordinary now that I take for granted? It can be anything to be honest and it’s a scary thought, that can trick me into only fearing what I might lose. These things make me blind for what I do have.
“I wish I had cherished those times…”
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A beautiful young beloved friend, who died of cancer 3 years ago and whom I miss dearly, used to say…
“Every day is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.”
Simple, but true. Just like your kind relatives. This moment, this is our lives.
Your shares today are speaking to me. Thank you Olivia. 
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@Olivia thank you so much. Being myself an PMO addict I appreciate a lot your thread and your honesty. PMO is devastating for me
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Hi @Olivia,
I know I’m coming really late to your topic, I’ve literally just come across it.
Your background reads like one of turmoil turned into self discovery, recovery and personal growth.
I just want to say congratulations to you for making it through what you have experienced, for sharing your story and giving hope to others who are in the same position and feel like there is no light at the end of that tunnel!
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I had a very vivid sex dream last night. In the dream I didn’t resist but I wouldn’t welcome that kind of sex irl. It affected me physically, I think I even came although I was asleep. For fucks sake.
The whole ordeal left me cranky and horny. It’s like some part of my defenses were torn down and my urges are pulling stronger than usual. I’m also travelling back home today and leaving my family and childhood home behind is hard. Extra cranky. I’m onto myself tho, I know I don’t need to lose myself in my feelings but somehow still allow them and keep myself grounded. Meh.
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I’m really sorry that this happened! I hate when that happens. Hugs!!
Call me if you need to!
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Sorry that it happen.
Hope the day gets a little bit better.
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These stupid dreams are so uuuggghh! It’s like when I have a drunk dream you still wake up with those horrible feelings. Part of me says, it’s a reminder to stay in control and sober. And the other part of me says it’s the struggle and anxiety from refraining that makes this develop in my mind. Either way gf, shake it off because you’re doing well and I applaud your growth
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Thank you ladies @Milele @Andy_Charlie @Ravikamor 
I got to my home ok this afternoon. had a chat with Milele about the dream which helped.
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Recap 2021
I’ve been clean and sober this entire year although there have been temptations, weak moments and close calls.
Some highlights:
starting vocational rehabilitation (it’s been TOUGH!!!)
seeing clear progress in therapy and overall recovery
befriending @Fury and @DeadMist
There have been lows too. Mainly me falling apart either bc of my shit or other people’s shit.
I’ve learnt to FLAG, MUTE, IGNORE. No need to get involved in everything.
I’ve learnt in new ways that not everyone perceives situations like I do, so it’s better to ask and listen before handing out my brilliant and sought after advice 
What do I wish to see 2022?
Improving my physical health.
Getting good results in vocational rehab.
A trip to US (prolly east coast)
Wishing everyone a hope filled new year!!!
Livy 
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Happy New Year Olivia 
🛼. Love the hat! 
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Native speaker and English teacher, and it took me a beat . Food fogginess, I blame u!
@Olivia Good luck with all ur goals 
.
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Liv,
Loving that beanie. Where do I get one like that?
Happy new year, and that East Coast trip keep me posted you know your welcome to stay just don’t show up on my doorstep ok?
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