I did not read your story before. 
You are such a loving and caring soul and have tremendous courage!
I relate a lot regarding the family stuff. low self esteem etc. Working on it for me now in the end means I am meeting this void, sober and intentionally. and there is the trick… we (I never) learned love, support or self esteem, so there is no way to feel if filling the void the healthy way is good.
You get to the core, the purest self and stand there not knowing what to do with it, but knowing at same time it should be something every-BODY knows.
SO maybe just stand there for a while looking in the void and not running into the arms of easy comfort.
It is your time to shine babe!!!
love and blessings
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Dearest Olivia, I hope you know what an inspiration you are. And you are loved, 100%. I’m glad that we are friends. Wait, not just glad, I love that we are friends. Lotsa hugs coming your way
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You people make my heart smile.
Hugs right back at you @Milele. Where would I be without you and our friendship?
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I think a lot of us have been through the crusher too? 
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Thanks for sharing @Olivia
You’re great and I’m glad to know you 
Stick around and share when you’re struggling
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I can totally understand that. As soon as I feel like maybe someone does enjoy my company or I am doing well at something, I become anxious that I will let them down or they will discover my dirty secret of how terrible I am. It is hard to feel like we are good enough as people. But it must be done to do any kind of healing.
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[quote="Misokatsu, post:32, topic:97648”]
As soon as I feel like maybe someone does enjoy my company or I am doing well at something, I become anxious that I will let them down or they will discover my dirty secret of how terrible I am.
[/quote]
Wow does this ever hit home for me too. You’ve phrased it perfectly. I like how clear you’ve made it here - seeing it in black and white makes it less scary.
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Thanks for sharing. You are worth it, you are loveable, you are beautiful, you are strong, and you will find someone who recognizes all of those qualities 
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Thank you Dylan, your words are priceless to me 
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You are such a loving, caring and beautiful person @Olivia. The support you show to every single one of us is priceless. I’m so happy you joined this forum and allowed us into your world. Sending you big hugs. 
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Thank you Lisa, I really appreciate your words. I love hugs!! Sending you a dozen of them 
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I found this hug the other day. Didn’t know where to send it. Since you love hugs. Here’s one out of the blue for you Olivia.
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Awww 
Thank you! Yes, I have room for hugs
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D39.
I was ambushed today by
SHAME
It goes so much deeper than feeling guilty about certain activities and decisions. It dawned on me (again maybe) that I’m ashamed of my entire sexuality and a good deal of my womanhood. Marred, tainted, twisted. Fucked up, quite literally. Woken up before due time. It’s very difficult to find anything positive to say about myself in these areas right now.
SORROW
I might be guilty of some self-pity, I will give you that. Nevertheless, followed by Shame came Sadness, lamenting of something lost and destroyed. Things were not supposed to go like this. I’m not asking why, I know why. I am asking how, how I’m supposed pick up these pieces and carry on with everything? What do I have to give but a broken, torn down garden where nothing grows? I had beauty but it was stolen, I had sweetness but I gave it away.
These two weigh heavy.
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Hi @Olivia
I’m so sorry your feeling so down on yourself. I wish I had some words or another cute virtual hug or a good uplifting quote to send you that would fix however you are feeling. Believe me I been looking. So I’m just going to say I’m really sorry your feeling this way about yourself. It must feel like shit. I hope you can pull yourself out of it soon. Or if you got to sit there and feel it a bit. Do that too. And hopefully you can feel better tomorrow or sooner.
I don’t know if you have a therapist or someone to talk to but if you do I hope you get to talk to them soon.
And for what it’s worth whenever I see you something of mine or @ me about something it always brings a smile to my face. You are such a wonderful person.
Please try not to be too hard on yourself.
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I am sad that you are feeling this way… You say your beauty was stolen, then how are you still so beautiful?? You say you gave away your sweetness but then how are you still so sweet??? It must be that your beauty and sweetness are both infinite. 
I hope you feel better today. We love you!!
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@Dazercat The fact that you care about a silly girl you’ve never met and take the time to express it means so much to me. I do see a therapist and I have trusted friends I have already confided in. This is a part of the process I’m going thru so even when it’s so heavy, I let sadness come. I don’t want to hate myself and I do want to learn to hate the addiction.
@pdebs Thank you for your words. I saw them as soon as you wrote them but I just couldn’t take it in. I’ve been coming back tho, trying to convince myself what you say is true 
and @eph-M-eral thank you. That’s such a beautiful quote. I will take it and make it mine.
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D43
I need to take a break from listening to commercial radio channels. They frequently play adds of sex toy shops/websites. Not to mention how sex centred presenters can be.
Listening to that shit long enough just creeps beyond my barriers. Almost relapsed today.
I’m glad we’re getting into Arctic winter. People dress decently in most places. One reason why I avoid mixed gyms. Just saying.
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