D48
Woke up this morning.
For an insomniac it’s a victory (bc if you didn’t fall asleep you can’t wake up either, right??)
On such days life is twice as good as it maybe feels. I can do anything! No dizzyness, no headache, no overwhelming exhaustion. I can organise and focus my thoughts. I’m motivated even to clean my oven. I can choose what workout to do since I’m not feeling like a slaughtered worm. I can choose whether I will give a shit or not, in general.
Sleeping is a super power.
Hey tribe…
Sending you tons of virtual hugs 
And actual ones tomorrow!
Thank you my friend.
All hugs welcome.
Here’s the best I can do, wishing you were closer to hug you for real.
Edit. That’s a tiny hug. I really meant to give you a big one.
Thank you @Milele, @anon79808082, @Lisa07, @Dazercat, @eph-M-eral and others
Last weekend was turmoil but necessary. Doing somewhat better now…
I’m glad things are getting better. Things’ll pass. They may pass like a kidney stone but they’ll pass. You can do this dear friend!
D68
So, I had a big meeting with my therapists and a chief psychiatrist today. Evaluating my current situation and discussing future.
The therapy I go to is only provided for people with very low income for certain amount of time. I’ve been their client already for 2 years and I’ve been feeling my time is up. If they decided that I’m not eligible for their services anymore, I’d need to find another office and therapist. Sounds maybe harsh but that’s public health care (and this not a complaint!)
Fortunately, today’s meeting’s outcome was that I benefit greatly from therapy and I’m still cuckoo and poor enough to meet their criteria 
So I got 1 year extension on weekly psychotherapy and a few other things.
So relieved and grateful 
Disclaimer: I’m not taking the piss out of ppl w/ mental problems (I’m in that club, duh!) “Cuckoo” is comic relief
I’ll say it again. This is great news! I am happy for you my dear!
I bet this is a big relief. That’s very kind of you to be thinking of others when you’re deserving of the service. Glad you can continue and that it’s of help to you! And, hey, I resemble that remark! 
(one of my dad’s favorite lines) Cuckoos like us are rad, in my opinion!
Sooooo happy to hear you get to continue your journey where you are & with the same people. You are doing awesome and are deserving of this. BTW. . . I have always embraced the term loopy.
Dear Lady, we are all broken to some degree. We all have our quirks, fears, phobias, traumatic memories, and dysfunctions. Some of us have a name to put toward the darkness, and some go their entire lives with the darkness going unnamed. Some wear this on their sleeves, and some are much better at hiding it. Some freely accept this, and some are in permanent denial.
And we are all precious in His sight. Peace.
D 70.
For the last year or so I’ve seen little fruit of counselling/therapy (this is my 5th year in). I’ve had so much constant (emotional) pain and anxiety there’s not really been space for much else. As the pain dissipates other long suppressed things surface.
I’m missing my childhood. Not all of it but snippets. My Dad used to make my birthday cakes. I often asked for a big block of vanilla ice cream with chocolate icing. He made that. Me and my sister asked for a small cubby house. He made that too. Dad poured out so much love for us thru his hands since he has never been able to say it in words. It took me 30+ years to understand that.
So I sit here, overwhelmed. The adult me is grateful for tokens of love I’ve received from my Dad over the years. The little girl, whose voice I lost for decades under all that pain, still cries out desperately to her Dad. To sit on his lap. To fall asleep in his armpit. To rest her head on his belly while he does Donald duck. To force him with her to play in the sand pit. To hear the words he could never say.
My dad is in his 60’s, retired this year, mainly healthy. A solemn man out in the countryside. Decades between my childhood and the now have not been easy on either of us. I pray our best time together would still be ahead, and not behind.
To all fathers with young/ish children, I say this as a daughter. Not expecting you to be perfect but to be present and safe.
Tell your girl often you love her with and without words so she can sense she is worth loving.
Tell your girl she is beautiful so she will one day believe it about herself.
Tell your girl she’s got it, she can make it so she’ll have courage and trust in herself when self-doubt sets in.
Tell your girl she is precious, valuable and a treasure so she’s not lost when this world and other people want pull her down and take advantage of her.
Stand up for her so she knows she worth of protection.
We might ask for Barbies (are they still a thing??), waterguns, phones, weekly allowance etc but please understand this:
we might not yet have realised that what we really need is your heart.
That’s just made me cry…
I never got that from my father but I did from my step dad…
Its just brought back an overwhelming urge to be next to him watching shit tele in his bedroom!
A memory I still cherish today, is him making me smile… Even when he was in pain… He’d have time for me!
What a beautiful memory. Definitely cherish it! Make it into a poem or picture or whatever speaks to your heart and soul. Make it concrete so you won’t forget, ever.
I’m sorry you didn’t receive it from your dad. You’re so worth it. His inability to affirm it doesn’t make you worthless. You’re so worth it.
Give yourself time to heal. It took many moons to get to where you are today. It’s going to take more than a few moons to acknowledge and address the pain of the past. Pain now is a sign that you are growing. You are feeling the feelings and not escaping from or numbing them. Inner child work can have amazing benefits. Hugs to both you & lil Olivia 
I can so relate. Am I worthy of being loved?
Over 5 1/2 years sober and still struggle with this.
