One of my triggers

Emotional Support
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I think this is a super important conversation because I have to remind my wife sometimes that I am 50% of the relationship here (relationship: relating, partnering, being with one another). It’s like for her the “factory default” setting when she feels overextended is ‘Oh well it looks like I have to take care of everything now’. Usually though that thought on her part is not what it’s actually about. What it’s actually about, is she feels lonely. She needs intimacy - I don’t mean physical intimacy, I mean connection: me seeing her, listening, validating, sharing.

It has nothing to do with the cleanliness of the house or the caring for the kids. It’s about feeling alone. And that’s a feeling we can all understand.

I aspire to be a father like @Englishd. I know how committed he is to intimacy - connection, being with, accompanying - he is committed to intimacy with his family. And that is so crucial for his marriage, and his fatherhood.

I know many good mothers as well (both in my own family, and I’m very fortunate to have gotten to know some here as well). I can never be a mother, biologically, obviously; also, sociologically, feminine roles and expectations have very different histories. That doesn’t mean they always have to be that way. What it does mean is that if we want to change long-standing habits (or ways of thinking), we have to partner up, communicate courageously & empathetically, find support, and build a new way of life.

But what would addicts know about that anyway? :wink:

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It’s not funny that women (AND MEN) abandon their kids.
Children are adopted by alot of different kinds of families and do well, gay or not. Women are not a superior parent, just better at birthing babies, guys just don’t have the body or plumbing for it. why would a man want to compete with his wife about giving motherly love to the children. Same in the reverse, she isn’t capable of giving his children fatherly love, that is his job…

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Thats awesome !! Keep up the good work!! Yeah I have faith in him that he will get his shit together. He’s been real patient with me and my alcohol addiction.(gosh I hate that word) and getting my shit together as well. I guess we’re both learning.

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Hahaha that last comment had me laughing. Yeah that is exactly what it’s mostly about. Feeling alone or unnoticed is my main I guess problem with the whole situation. Like if he would just say , “hey I’m here I see you, how can I help you?” Than I would probably just tell him to do a few things nothing too major because well let’s be real he takes FOREVER on doing tidious tasks. And Than he gets a little irritated and I don’t need that. all I need is for him to just do things with out me having to tell him. Like leaving his clothes in the living room. Or maybe feeding the baby while I’m cooking our dinner so I won’t have to do it while I’m eating. But mainly it’s just that feeling alone part that I guess IS the trigger? Your a great husband Matt!! I wish you could have a conversation with him and maybe throw him some tips haha

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Yeah I get it. I wish I could. But it’s not really that simple, right? Sometimes people make the comment “Ah! It sounds like you’ve got two babies.” But really what you’ve got is one baby - your daughter - and a man who is at the moment a baby daddy. But not yet a father.

No one can make us want to be sober until we wake up and want it ourselves. And no one can make a man want to be a father until he wakes up and wants it himself. When he does wake up and want it, it’s the best thing in the world. It’s like what you see in those pictures @Englishd has been posting recently from hiking trips. But that didn’t happen overnight (as Derek will tell you). It takes work, by the man.

In the meantime you make a home the best way you can. There are lots of women here on TS who can share with you about how to do that. They’re wonderful. I admire those women very much. Take a look around and learn from them - they have lots to teach you :smile: :innocent:

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Hi again love, one thing I forgot to mention is that very likely, the core of your frustration here is about codependency. To quote Melody Beattie in here famous book, Codependent No More (this is p. 85-86; here she’s going over the persecution corner of the Karpman Drama Triangle - you will recognize it I bet - it has three behaviours codependents do, in cycles: Rescuer, Persecutor, Victim):

After we rescue, we will inevitably move to the next corner of the triangle: persecution. We become resentful and angry at the person we have so generously “helped.” We’ve done something we didn’t want to do, we’ve done something that was not our responsibility to do, we’ve ignored our own needs and wants, and we get angry about it. To complicate matters, this victim, this poor person we’ve rescued, is not grateful for our help. He or she is not appreciative enough of the sacrifice we have made. The victim isn’t behaving the way he or she should. This person is not even taking our advice, which we offered so readily. This person is not letting us fix that feeling. Something doesn’t work right or feel right, so we rip off our halos and pull out our pitchforks.

And the codependent cycle continues, from rescuer, to persecutor (of the person we tried to help), and eventually it goes to victim, then back again.

Codependency happens all the time among partners of addicts (and addicts themselves, as well) - it’s one of the reasons Al-Anon exists. It is another strategy we use to escape living fully in our own life. As we work our sobriety, we have to learn to let go of our impulse to live others’ lives instead of our own.

You have a right to a safe, sober life. Part of that means you have to let go of managing others’ lives. I know it would be great if he did more. But it’s not your responsibility to make him do things. You have the right and the responsibility to fully manage your own needs and wants (and you can take any fair action to do that - including tapping into other legitimate sources of support, as you need it).

You’re a good person and you matter. Your story and the story of your family matters. You can write the next chapter, which is about you being fully present in your own life, as a full, complete individual. It will be a wonderful, beautiful chapter.

Take care love! Congratulations on your progress so far. You are doing great :innocent:

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:clap::clap:Wow I truly LOVE this whole message!! Thank you for that. I am definitely going to take it all in and reflect on this message and probably read it more than 2wice again thank you :pray:

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I’m glad it resonates with you. I know the feeling when you’re in recovery in a relationship. It isn’t easy. But don’t give up on yourself, ever. And it helps when you realize - you don’t have to save the other, and in fact, the most loving thing you can do is to step back and work on what is your responsibility: yourself and your relationship with your daughter. It’s a great weight off your shoulders :innocent:

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