So I just realized what one of my triggers is. My boyfriend and I have a daughter together we’re both farely young late 20s and I just realized that one of my triggers is the fact that Ive done all the work since day 1 like everything I cook I clean I make dinner and on top of that I have to do everything for my daughter the feeding the bathing and everything in between. He doesn’t really help much. He helps like 10% and he thinks that’s enough. Like what the fuck dude. I’m exhausted. We both work so that’s no excuse. I still manage to do everything. He doesn’t drink at all. So I realize when I do relapse its because I’m SO FUCKN EXHAUSTED and because I cant have any ME time. I LOVE my daughter to death so i don’t mind but come on man. And he has the nerve to tell me that I’m such an alcoholic and that I NEED help. No bro YOU need help. I do love him but I just don’t know how to explain to him that it’s important for him to help me so that I don’t explode and want a glass or 2 or a whole fuckn bottle of wine. (Or 2) lol but seriously. Any advice?
My two cents:
- Asking your boyfriend to pick up the slack sounds 100% fair to me on its own merits, sobriety aside. I support you communicating your need for a bit more sharing of the load.
- Maybe that’ll be problem solved. However, he might not comply, or struggle to do so consistently (forming new habits is hard). You need to be able to stay sober regardless of what he does or does not do. If you imply that your sobriety depends on his cooperation, that doesn’t sound like a healthy arrangement to me; it’s a brittle situation for you, and puts unfair pressure on him.
How old is your daughter?
With this said, in general, to the extent you’re not getting support you want from your boyfriend, it could be helpful to seek out offer forms and sources of support to tide you over. As a working parent, maybe sometimes there just is no “me time” in a day, but maybe there’s someone you can call, or a podcast you can listen to, or a way to incorporate breathing or meditation into your day, etc. Just some ideas (to take with a grain of salt, as I am not a parent myself).
Hmm that got me to thinking. Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.
She’s 11 months
I’ve raised 2 kids and helping with 4 grandbabies. An 11 month old needs her/his mothers care desperately. They couldn’t survive without it. Dad’s can’t give motherly care love especially to babies. They can help out but it’s not the same. Focus on her. Hire a house cleaner TEMPORARILY to help around th house twice a month. When the babies older, dad will want to be more involved. They never tell you these things when you read those pregnancy books 
I don’t have much advice, I just can relate to being a new mom (at around your age) and how overwhelming it is. Life is no longer “yours” and everything changes. I personally struggled with all the new responsibilities that came with having a baby and how much of myself I felt like I had to give up. I think it’s really great you’re trying to get sober right now. I really wish I had done that when I had my first baby. But it happened eventually and that’s all I can ask for.
If there are things around the house that can be his sole responsibility, like cooking/cleaning/yard work, make a list of them and let him know that while the baby is still young and mostly dependent on you, he will need to be in charge of those things. Set boundaries, don’t base your sobriety on his actions, let things get a little messy around the house for a while, and just try to be in this moment. Your baby will eventually become more and more self sufficient… You’ll get better sleep, you’ll get used to the new normal and things will mellow out. Especially if you stay sober…it will be there greatest gift you ever give yourself and your daughter.
Message me if you ever want to talk about it one on one.
Hmm that really helped. Thank you!!
Thank you so much. I definitely will. I reaaly appreciate it.
I agree that dividing up chores could be helpful. If you work together to clearly identify what needs to happen on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis to keep the household running then you could figure out how to split it up more evenly. Unfortunately, for a lot of women their work in the household goes unnoticed. I don’t know your exact situation, but you may be doing work he doesn’t realize. If you can make it clear that it’s too much for you and needs to be divided maybe he will be able to see all the tasks you take on and agree to take some over himself.
Sounds like working on communication here could also help, but it can be tough to figure out the right approach sometimes. Personally, I am great at many forms of communication…but when it comes to telling my boyfriend what I need or if I’m getting frustrated about something in the relationship I have a really hard time. I’ve been working on it and making progress, but it can take a lot of time, patience, and working through misunderstandings. Sobriety has been a big step for me to make progress on how I communicate with him.
Good luck with your situation!! Keep us posted.
Thank You so much for your response. I definitely will.
Make a Honey DO list. Don’t take no for an answer. You tell him that it’s a fair and impartial list and he needs to take half of it as his responsibility. You do the other half. Change up which chores you do each week. Try to make it fun. Do it together. Bring sexy fun our just funny back. Try to make it enjoyable if it’s at all possible. Just make sure he takes you seriously, you deserve it. Good luck
Wow thank you so much for that advice!!!
let things get a little messy around the house for a while
I grew up with the dictum to make things look good. No matter what. I had to learn to relax about comparing my yard to the neighbors’, my dusty coffee table to my mother’s.
My wife and I refer to our home as the Beverley Hillbillies house. It’s not pretty on the outside, but the dogs and kids are happy and I’m sober and she hasn’t spoken to a divorce attorney in years.
Hi @Gonzolady what a place to be! I’m not a parent myself (yet) but as someone with a handful of female friends in your shoes I have heard this before. I’ve also got a mom and a stepmom both of whom had to establish some boundaries to preserve their health, and both did it successfully.
I think a lot of the practical stuff about making lists, communicating fully and fairly, and being present, not perfect, has already been said. I think being present, not perfect, is especially important: as @Lionfish and @SinceIAwoke noted, it’s ok - it’s necessary - to loosen things a bit about expectations of yourself. (An aspect of this is that women in general are socialized to think of themselves as primarily responsible for house and home. So you’re living in that history, that social sense. It’s one of the things that’s out of whack in our imbalanced, imperfect world.) Being present with your child is so important. The intimacy you develop - into-me-see - comes from those moments of connecting, being with one another, just being beside one another in the perfectly-imperfect world. You are teaching your child peace by being present, stable, in an unstable world. Doing that is so important for your child to have a safe, stable life growing up.
The world is by nature unstable and unpredictable. We addicts have tried to run from uncertainty and imperfection for so long. We’ve escaped from unpredictability, into the arms of the most predictable thing there is: drugs. They always deliver exactly what they promise: numbness.
Your child will learn from you how to handle the imbalances of the world. Are they something that throws you completely out? Or are they something where you set self-respecting, healthy, sustainable expectations? You have the power to do that.
You are a good person who matters, and you deserve a safe, sober life, where you can be your full, perfectly-imperfect self. You will find your way through this. Stay sober, call friends, call community centres, find whatever support you need to be healthy and sober and present with your child. You will get through this, safe and sober. Take care love
hahaha thats awesome
oh my goodness !! wow I love everything you said Thank You so much!!! I will do that.
You deserve a safe life. I can hear you - I hear how imbalanced you feel it is. Any committed long term relationship is a process of communication and back and forth: really listening, and asking really to be listened to. In my marriage - 12 years now! - we’ve invested time and money in relationship counselling when we really weren’t seeing eye to eye. We’ve learned ways of caring for ourselves, understanding ourselves and our expectations, and communicating about those in healthy ways.
Doing that now with your boyfriend will be such a strong, important thing for your coupleship, and your parenting. You are doing the right thing talking about expectations. Keep it up and be your full, loving, determined self
Wow that is a long time!! congratulations! Yeah I would love to do all of that but I don’t know if he would want to go to any therapy with me (just yet) but I will work on communicating better and being PRESENT with my daughter. Thank You so much for your advice. Your really nailed it with everything you have told me. I appreciate you.