One of you

I remmember the first time I got drunk. And I absolutely loved it. It took 3 beers, and the joy was there. Only 12 years old, 5 years later we were drinkung heavily with my mates, every weekend and usually few times during the week too. I managed to finish high-school and got to to college. Dropped out quickly and started working as a bell boy in a 5star hotel. Pretty much got wasted after every switch. Sometimes during nightswitch… My health didn’t bear it. Working nights and drinking heavily. Not sleeping etc. Found a well paid office job. By the age 30, panic attack’s and constant need to relieve myself with beer were daily issues. Lost jobs but got myself together somehow and managed to find new companies thet hired me. Tried to seek help. Met psychologists had several AD treatments,still minimum 6 pints of lager everynight. Usually more and countless number on weekends. So finally after a 2 week stupor promised my girlfriend to go to AA meeting, just to keep her calm. Expected to meet smelly drunken hobos there, but found beautiful, wise, elegant, loving people :slight_smile: This was 2.5 years ago. After few months of sobriety broke up with my girlfriend and moved to a small island, where they have lots of alcoholics and no anonymity. Since then been in and out. 6 months max sober and then in the black hole. Im afraid I will die, injure myself or will be arrested if i continue. I just loose all sence when I overdrink. Turn into a manipulative sotsiopath. Have woken up twice behind a wheel in a dicth in the last 12 months. Today is 19th day without a drink. Trying new meds. Found this app yesterday and been checking different topics whenever I need support to not to think about booze. Its a very unique reminder to open the app and see the time I been sober. Love it!

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I also like the counter. It offers accountability. Especially when the number starts to get bigger. You can see what your can loose.
Have you worked out why you keep relapsing?

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Is there AA or SMART on your island? Or any other specialised help you can get? Are those medicines the kind like Refusal so you can’t drink?
Glad you find us and welcome!
It helps me a lot, so I hope the same for you!
:heart:

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@Rosenberg
Thanks for sharing your story. You’re here now. You’ll find lots of support, but a meeting would be a good idea. The face to face recovery is important, too.:unicorn: Just my two cents.

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I started an AA group on the island. Got some support (flyers, the big blue, some other literature) from my AA group on the mainland. Went to the local municipality and rented rooms for once a week meetings. Spoke to social workers and coppers to spread the word,that we have an AA group active now. Usually sat there alone, sometimes my old friend came by, had coffee, he has been clean for 1.5 years. He drives 4300km each autumn to portugal and comes back in spring. So finally I sat there alone. Just reading the big blue. Whenever I got to go to mainland I tried to fit 6PM meeting with my old group.
I have relapsed many times because I really wanted to drink. And it relived my emotional pain. A year ago I had worst stupor ever. 49 days. Actually I tried to climb out. Applied for a high salary job on the mainland. Rented an appartment and pretty much knew by the end of week one, that I hated the job. But away from family and friends, isolated in my flat I worked out daily routine. Waking up at 10am with a severe headache. Opening the first beer. Trying to get it down, puking it out to the sink. Opening another one, praying it would stay in. Get my self going easy-beasy. After 2 beers already felt better and could drink 4-5 beers, put an alarm by 6pm. Quick nap. Wake up and start having beers. I knew I needed to go on my walk every evening. Local store was 500 meters. But before I had to have at least 4 beers in my belly to survive the marathon. And timing had to be around 20pm.I didn’t want people to see me, usually the rush hour at the store was between 5-7pm. My backpack was just big enough to fit 18 pints. So walking back I counted my steps and hoped I survive the trip,not piss or s*it myself. Once back in the flat, I fell on the floor and rested for 10 minutes, then put beers to fridge and start consuming. Watched tv or just sat in social media till 5am and all the same stated in the morning. Finally my dad came and took me to mental hospital. This place was packed and I was accommodated to the highest security section. Some folks were belted to beds, there were no power plugs on the walls. Tv was behind a plexiglass about 3 meters high under the celing. 4 times a day smokers were walked to courtyard between guards. Nasty place. I signed a contract that Im willingly agree to stay there for treatment,they threatened to ask agreement from court if i hadn’t. The third day new doctor in charge just asked to see me. Said I wasn’t bad enough and signed me out. So there I was standing in the snow on the street, got my things back. My sister picked me up and sent me on a bus back to my island. So half a year later last summer I had some alone time. 6 beers that night turned to 18. 6 days of drinking and acting like an asre to well… pretty much everybody. Cashiers, ambulance crew, police, my mother, my neighbours, everyone I met then. Went to detox in a local hospital. And moved in with my current girlfriend after that. Since summer I’ve had 2 drinking sprees. Both lasted 3 days and ended me spending time at detox for a night. I just find it really hard to surrender to my will. It sounds stupid, but I’ve always have wanted to have my own space and freedom and choices. Iknow that alcohol is stronger than me, and I must surrender, but I have kept fighting with it, I’ve lost so far and will always lose. I have dodged the fight today and Im ready for its strikes tomorrow. Hopefully one day I can walk on firm surface. Sorry for the long post. Hope its readable. Cause i have to translate all my thoughts to different language. :slight_smile:

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I think it’s cool that you started your own group. Is it still running? I started my own NA group and was clean 3 months…then I had a terriable relapse which lasted 4 months. If I hadn’t started the group I wouldn’t have had it to fall back on! I’m now 65 days clean again and trying ne best to stay strong!
There are times I opened up the meeting room and sat alone for an hour…sometimes we would get 2 or 3 people for a meeting. Our average attendance today is around 7 people!

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I don’t know how healthcare is in your country. But is there a way to get a longer period of therapy in a special facility for addicts? I live in the Netherlands. Here you go for detox for a few weeks first if you want and after that there is special care for like months in rehab. Maybe it depends on your insurance, I don’t now?

That was me when I started this period of sobriety. I lived on this forum, and still check in all the time.

So cool about starting your own meeting, and sitting and waiting for others. That takes some courage and patience.

Glad you found us. Welcome! :+1:

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Well in Estonia, everyone who works, studies, is listed in unemployment office has a healt insurance. If you work, employer pays 33% tax. Everything except dental, getting out of a stupor is covered. And yeah, if your cancer costs 50k a month, then you are on your own. But society is rather different I guess, alcoholism is not concidered as illness. In my case I just cant stop, if I start the next day after heavy drinking with cold beer, I must have a new one always in hands reach. And I then drink until I pass out. And when I wake up in the middle of the night I go straight to open a new can. And drink until I feel I can have a nap again. Last 3 times my gf has driven me to a hospital. In the state hospital usually the staff would be reluctant to even take you in. Nobody wants the trouble of a crazy drunk. And then there are 2 private clinics that work like a factories. In and out depending the lenght of the drinking spree. So eather way you need to pay 150euro for a night for your magnesium and vitamins. There is no rehab clinic. Few mental hospitals, but idk what level you’d need to be messed up to be accepted for treatment there. I haven’t managed such high-scores yet.

Anyhow Im clicking 3 weeks sober by morning. Last days I have had several times moments where I go doh’ing out loud. Just some sick memories of embarrassing situations when drunk come back. I’ve always tried to forget all bad actions as quickly as possible. Its like opening a drawer, seeing a dead rat, freaked out and slammed the drawer shut. I’ve lost so much respect because of alcohol. Manipulative texting to people I know, ex co-workers, friends. Last time I called my long ago boss. I later saw from a call log, that I had spoken to him for 22 minutes. I hardly remembered that I called at all. What were we talking about is a mystery. I was invited to play Santa for few families. One of the moms cancelled, since they had disagreements in the family about it… I dont know maybe my price was high for the husband or… Anyway I replied that its for the best since I found the mom too sexy and I would have liked to have sex with her etc bullshit. Its hard to forget and forgive myself for the things I’ve done drunk. And I feel its really eating me inside out. Makes me really nervous and slamm the drawer gets hit again.
Im so glad I found this app. I call it AA 911. For what ever cravings I have I open the app, read posts, but my self in your shoes and get back to being at peace.
Thank you!

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Thank you for sharing about your life, and welcome to this forum :pray: You are helping me too and others im sure of it . It’s not easy thing to tell , but it’s giving me movies about my own choices in the past and all the bad things i have done. It’s pretty cool to read that you started own AA . That is amazing. Hope you can find this loving app very usefull. All in here is good good people and so are you . Best of wishes to you

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Welcome to the forum. Thank you for telling us your story. You have touched many people here. I didnt have the courage to go to AA alone. A friend had to drag me and she still does after almost 2 years. I never would have started my own group. You have what it takes to stay sober. Even thoughYour story is heartbreaking it is also inspiring and tells a story about you, how strong of a person you are. think about how hard you worked to get a drink. Timing it just right so as to not be in a crowd. Walking all that way. Then deciding to quit. Knowing that you needed more support you started your own group. That is amazing! Planning all of that took a lot. Turn all of that hard work back into your sobriety. Find that AA meeting. start another if you need to. Go to rehab again. educate yourself on how horrible alcohol is for you. This Naked Mind is a great read. Watch podcasts on recovery. Post on here everyday. Read everyday. Take care of yourself. You can’t change the past. Forgive yourself and move on. You can do this. We are all here to help each other. Keep coming back

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Fourth weekend sober. Side effects of the new antidepressant are random attacs of anxiety, and being tired most of the time. I hope it goes away by next week. Since I’ve taken them only for 8 days. Hoping it will make me numb soon :slight_smile: I have had a kind of anarchy in my nature all my life. Fighting against various things. Big punk rock / grunge fan as a teenager. So my drinkingsprees were awful, but also lovable from another angle. I felt so much during these stupors. It didn’t matter if it was joy, saddness, anger, full emotions. Laughing from the bottom of my lounges, screaming in anger and crying a river when I had to. Checking-in here daily. Actually I feel I can do some more sober days. Today sober and grateful

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A friend texted me yesterday evening. An old classmate from school. I’ve shared my drinking problems with him, since he is in the same hole. Also in the past I have taken him to AA meeting with me and sent him to detox. Well. He said he was home alone and had drank for the whole weekend and didn’t know how to get sober. Since he still had quite an amount of beer at house. And i instantly remembered that feeling I used to have on su day afternoons. The tension rising, knowing you’d got to be fine for the office next morning, but unable to stop drinking. And I did quite often drink all I had on the sunday evening. Woke up on monday. Seeing myself in the mirror brushing my teeth and eyes red like seagulls ass. And thinking how I will survive the working hours. And I didn’t sometimes. I went to the office. Opened my computer, went to the cafe and asked the waitress to give me two beers from the backdoor. Then slide them under my belt and hide in the lavatory. When all the stalls were free. I’d have the first one. After that I was able to actually do something for an hour, and back to toilets for the second beer. Lunchbreak was already shopping time, and sometimes I wasnt too clear to recall the last hours at work. Later these days I drank at home until I passed out. Few years later I didn’t care much on these occasions to even show up at work, I lusted at home with beers simply under the “hime office” lie. I don’t want these sundays back. I don’t want lieing back. Hiding my drinking and hiding my drinks. I hope I don’t have to do it anymore. My friend though is working from home today. He managed to get sober enouh to drive to local shop and carry a load of beer home. He is not yet ready for sober life…

One month today. Many battels to fight with the urge to open a cold one everyday.

I dont keep any alcohol in the house. I dont go shopping for groceries alone. Reading Talking Sober many times a day. Making as hard as possible to get the first drink.

After being a slave of alcohol for so many years, I have lost intrest in everything else. I mean, my goal everyday was to get my car parked after office and open a beer. First beer of the day (a good day) I drank within these 30 steps between my car and front door of my house.

I was very keen on my drinking time. So if there was an invitation to go somewhere I wouldn’t have had an opportunity to drink, I tried to not go or if it was a must go, I went reluctantly. Was out of mood the whole time and hurried back home for my dear beers. My son is singing in a national opera choir, I was miserable, that instead of drinking I had to attend his concerts. Or childrens birthday’s, take him there and wait 2.5 hours to drive him home, and miss all this drinking time. Everybody has 24h a day. I cant drink more than 7 if theres 8h of work, 8h of sleep and squeeze
in extra 3+ hours for unpredictable play dates. See, this was my mind then.

So 2016 summer I started changing. I didn’t drink daily. But when I did, I didn’t stop. Usually I was completely hammered 24/7 for 4 days and then after reaching a peak started climbing down. And that took 10 days to finally get sober and start working again, until I feld too well, started making big plans again, and hit the down spiral again… And again… And again, usually 2-4 months of sobriety switched to 2-3 week stupors. So last two drinking sprees I stopped on day 4. Went to a hospital and got clean quicker.

Something has to be changed and joy of doing other stuff instead of drinking must still be somewhere hidden. So during this month I have started some new things to do, instead of drinking. Here are my three activities:

Signed up for courses for 18wheeler drivers licence. Writing stand-up, next step open mic night. :slight_smile: Bought a saw to cut juniper discs to clue on plywood and hang on saunawalls for the scent.

Im sober today.

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Great attitude my friend! Good luck with your truck licence!
Keep it up

Turned 37 today. Proud I can tell about my sober life to my dearest ones when they call to congratulate me on my bd.

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Happy birthday. Be proud. Be very proud!!
Keep it up!

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Happy birthday and brilliant work on your 1 month 1 week and almost 1 day!!! And yes be very proud of yourself :grin::tada::gift::balloon:

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Happy birthday :smiley::pray::pray::pray::birthday::birthday::birthday: continue to STAY PROUD :ok_hand:

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So… I’ve kept my old friend away for 4 months now.
It just that yesterday I got myself thinking, that alcohol is my good old friend that I do not talk to anymore. We were best friends a long time ago. I remember about 12 years ago we spent time in a log house by the lake, me, him and more mutual friends. Them weekends were super fun. Arriving Friday, playing wolleyball, fishing, barbecueing, watching films from a white linensheet thru projector. No remorse. But over the years he started betraying me. Gave me bruises, came between me and my dearest ones. Then punched me so hard that I worked up in a hospital. Well, I forgave him many times. Even when he gave my gf a blackeye. After few tender months of sobriety I have thought a lot how he actually killed my grandparents and is currently murdering my uncle. He still comes way too often to look for reconciliation. My door is shut.
I think some friends, even the dearest ones sometimes stab you in your back so hard that it’s unforgivable. I’ve made so many friends at my AA meetings, that I already miss them every time the meeting is over. Towards new clear days.

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