And so I’m here. One year.
A lot of thoughts and emotions have been going through my mind lately.
Memories of where I was, on this day, one year ago. Prostrated, weak, anxious. Terrified. My withdrawal effects were so scary. Heart rate and blood pressure through the roof, severe cramps in my legs, arms, hands. Shaking violently. I thought I had this one last shot, or I would die. Of self-inflicted causes, which was what I could not bear to think about. I had been trying to get out of this horrible vicious cycle for so long, and I was sinking deeper and deeper into oblivion. This had to be it. I had to get it right this time.
Memories of each milestone. One day. Five days. A week. Two weeks. A month. Three months. Six months. Each, a badge I received with a lot of gratitude.
Memories of the “firsts”. First time celebrating so many special dates without drinks. My first birthday without champagne. First time spending time with friends and family without clinking glasses. First time in Paris without wine. First Thanksgiving. First Christmas. New Years’. Business trips. Leisure trips. Friends dance parties…each with a plan to make sure I would come out on the other side happy that I did it alcohol-free. Each turned out to be an amazing experience.
Memories of the challenges. Of learning how to live without a crutch. Without blurring anything. Good and bad. Everything became so intense, so bright, so full…it was not easy, it really hurt sometimes. A lot of times. But I did it.
It was a year of long walks. Calling friends. Writing. Reading. Listening. Connecting. Exercising more consistently. Adjusting my relationship with loved ones. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Changing jobs, as the old one didn’t fit me anymore. Finding joy in small things. Calling it a night and going to bed when I needed a reset and some rest. Finding out what my triggers were, and what I could do as a response instead of going for the quick (and disastrous) fix.
Memories of the days when I wanted to throw the towel. When I was done. And then thinking: “You give up and then what? Have one drink? No. Three? No. Two days binge? What will this help? Go back to square one?” I guess was not done after all.
Memories of how each and every moment with my family and friends was better. Even the bad ones were better. Dealing with problems was not as overwhelming. Memories of how I loved my family more consciously, being fully present. Memories of being with my parents without missing moments. Memories of having fun without the help of anything. Memories of my husband and children, friends…and just me. No additives.
Memories of how I realized, bit by bit that I didn’t need a drink to cope with a bad day, or celebrate a good one, or feel like I was on vacation, to sleep, or be a good colleague at work.
Memories of how sometimes I missed - and still miss - the cumplicity that bonding over drinks gives a group of friends. It was hard to tell my family and friends that I wasn’t drinking anymore. Very hard. I miss the sense of romance a bottle of wine gives to a dinner. But ultimately what I gain from not drinking way surpasses what I “lose” (if anything!) by not doing so. It pales in comparison. So yes, I’m ok with it now. Work in progress to change these associations in my mind. I’ll get there, it time.
And then the immensity of this milestone approaching…one year. Then what?
One year is a lovely badge to have…but just like with anything in life, you reach a milestone and you keep working at it. It is so with marriage. With work. With a degree. With children. It is not because you got married that you stop taking care of your partner. It is not because you got a promotion that you stop working hard. It is not because you graduated that you stop learning. It is not because you had children that you can tick that box! If you don’t care for your marriage, the love can wilt. If you don’t put your energy at work, your results won’t show. If you don’t continue learning, your knowledge gets stale. If you don’t care for and educate your children…you get my point. In life, our “work” is never “done”!
So one year means that I continue working on it. On doing the next right thing. On living today the best I can. On my gratitude for having had these past experiences and having found the support I needed to succeed right here, with this group. On not taking what I have now for granted, because it is and always will be delicate. On tackling the next “first”. On growing. Learning. On appreciating the beauty and resilience that I gained in my life over the past year. On loving with all my heart my kids, my husband, my family, my friends. My life.
Don’t worry about it at all. At the end of the day, the important thing is to celebrate each and every day