First off, I’d like to apologize for the terrible grammar… this post was written in sections, on multiple platforms that dont always auto correct… and to be 100% honest, I got too lazy to go through & correct it all…
One year of progress. One year of determination. one year of learning. one year of strength. one year of happiness.
i started my sober life on January 19 2019. Now one year later, i feel like a completely different person. actually, i am a completely different person. i am happier now than i can ever remember being over the past decade of my life,and my happiness is relatively stable. of course i get upset, angry, depressed (esp. with my bipolar) but on a whole, my mood & happiness remain stable. i have learned so much about myself and about life in this past year and I would like to share what ive learned.
first off, ive learned that im a better person when sober. im better to not only others, but also to myself. its a really proud feeling when you can look yourself in the mirror and truly believe yourself when you say “I dont want to drink or use drugs. I like my sober lifestyle.” I am much more kind & gentle with myself than i was when using. i dont have that deep hatred and ashamed feeling. I dont feel weak anymore, like i have no control over my actions. I control my addiction, it doesnt control me anymore. and honestly, that feeling of strength and power is like its own drug. so all these positive feelings help me out when im feeling down and negative towards myself. when i start beating myself up inside, i remember all the accomplishments ive made over this past year and use that positivity battle the negativity.
Second, ive learned that the whole world is skewed. the world is skewed to believe that everything is more fun with drugs or alcohol. and so most fun things revolve around that, mainly drinking. damned near every board game has an alternative version as a drinking game. Movies and TV shows have drink along versions. Concerts and shows are always pushing alcohol, usually because they’re sponsored by an alcohol company. Sports games completely revolve around it as well. And most social events take place at alcohol centered events. socialization is heavily linked to alcohol consumption. The idea is that alcohol makes us more interesting and therefore you have to drink in order to have a successful social encounter. it breads uncertainty in ourselves and causes us to turn to alcohol for that sense of certainty and belonging, strengthening the link between alcohol, socialization & self confidence. Youre at a major social disadvantage being sober, which can make it hard to actually get or keep to being sober. the good news is that once you are sober & confident in your sobriety, you are now at a major ADVANTAGE in life. I have never been so confident in myself as person than I am now. I truly feel like I am starting to actually know and understand who I am. I don’t have terrible anxiety about social encounters anymore (that would usually cause me to drink to feel more open) I am more of an open book now because I feel confident in myself and I have nothing to hide anymore. And that is freeing to a degree that I never imagined possible.
I’ve learned so much more about my mental illness. Being diagnosed as bipolar depressive, I always fought it, never truly accepted it. I was always blind to the cyclic pattern of depression and mania- both of which led me to drug usage. During the lows I would drink to numb the pain and during the highs I would drink to celebrate the euphoria… it seemed like euphoria, it was really mania. My husband helped me to see that in both states I was dangerous… to myself and others. During depression I was a danger to myself- drinking, drugging, self harming… and during the manic phases I was a danger to others- I had to care or respect or even thought for the feelings of others or repercussions of my actions. I acted solely on impulse and whim, often tearing a tornado path of destruction and pain through my life. But I was always so blind to it because I was consumed with my addiction… my mind wasn’t clear and I couldn’t realize the instability. Being sober I still deal with my bipolar depression, but I manage it now. I can recognize the signs of slipping into a depressive or manic phase and I can combat them. I’ve also learned to ask for help, something that was extremely hard to me to do and accept. And I’m not going to lie and say I’m super great at it, because I’m not, but I’m making progress.
So in this past year of sobriety here is all that has changed for me:
I got sober
I left my toxic job as a server
I got a new job as a dental assistant that I truly enjoy (better for my life and mental health). In less than a year I was promoted to lead assistant and got a raise.
I rebuilt my relationship with my family & some friends.
I distanced myself from other friends who enabled my addiction and cut ties with toxic “friends”
I started getting healthy, mentally and physically.
I created new healthy habits to take over old bad ones- I exercise, I meditate, I meal prep, I follow a skin care, vitamin & sleep routine.
I was actually able to make and hold money and start paying my bills properly again.
And saving the best for last, I GOT MARRIED! And I am a good wife to my husband. I am sharing myself truly & fully with him & our relationship is flourishing for it. Also, we got married on an island and at all-inclusive resort where alcohol was constantly pushed on you (picked the spot before I decided to get sober) and I sustained my sobriety. Not only that, I wasn’t tempted at all. Friends of mine bought cocaine (my DOC) on the island and got drunk and high, and I truly wanted nothing to do with it. And that felt almost as good as marrying my husband, almost.
One year ago, I could never have imagined all of this. One year ago I felt trapped in a terrible life that I hated. One year ago I felt ashamed, disgusted and full of self hatred. One year ago I tried to kill myself because I couldn’t imagine how I could ever become someone worth living, knowing, or loving. One year ago I couldn’t imagine a day where I wouldn’t hate myself, let alone actually like myself and sometimes even love myself. One year ago I made the change that spurred on the rest of these changes and I am so fucking thankful that I did. Because one year later I am happy, proud, hopeful, & excited for the rest of my life. And I can’t believe I almost threw this life away.
