Hi @erntedank ! I hope you’re doing well 
Thank you so much for checking up on me! I’m doing much better than the last time. I’ve made a little checklist now and I’ve written down little tips that I’ve read here and there in community posts. The most important thing is the one day at a time thing. One hour at a time actually. I didn’t take that to heart at first, but I’m really trying that now. I also check off the hours on a piece of paper. I know the app does the same thing but paper feels better for some reason. I’m thinking of getting a little journal just for this. I really couldn’t do this without this lovely community. It’s fast becoming my favorite place.
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Journaling is fantastic for a variety of things. The forum does have a journal feature, but I like paper…I am older and old school. Plus it is a good legacy for my children and grandson to read if they are interested. Humans, being. 
This place was instrumental for me in early sobriety. After a bazillion day ones and years filled with self loathing, the community support and knowledge helped me find my footing. So glad you are here. 
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Thank you so much 
Also, it’s a lovey idea to leave our journals for the next generation!
It’s so good to hear I’m not the only one with an excessive number of day ones. Each one leaves me more guilty and less motivated, but then I come here and it all gets better somehow. For now, I’ll just finish today and hope that there will never be another day one.
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Hi @Soli Wanna check on you - how are you doing?
By the way: journaling pen to paper is a great idea, I do it myself a lot
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Hi @erntedank thank you for asking. I hope you’re having a great day. I’m ashamed to say that I had to tap that reset button again… I just couldn’t do it. But I started again. I just don’t know how to cope if I don’t shut down my brain. But I’m working on it. At least I “reset” and didn’t give up all the way. And I’ve seen two other ‘serial reseters’ here today which made me feel like less of a failure because it seems like part of the process, maybe; in any case I don’t think feeling like a failure is very helpful at the moment so I’ve decided not to feel that way. Journaling is very helpful but I’m thinking maybe I should find a new hobby. I’m thinking of rock climbing which is something I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve promised myself to go for it once I hit the 30 day mark. Maybe that’ll work as an incentive.
I apologize for the long reply. I didn’t know how to make it shorter 
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You’re in the right place. Keep trying and keep cominh back. The first few days were the hardest for me because I was feeling like death warmed up and wanted a drink to get relief from the symptoms. It’s hard, but not impossible.
This thread has some excellent advice about getting through those first few days without alcohol as a crutch.
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Procrastination is the addicts greatest excuse / enemy, we are always going to give up tomorrow or next Monday when so and so happens. How about you don’t have a 30 day incentive and instead have a 24 hour goal to put your head on the pillow clean and sober at the end of the day. In the meantime start rock climbing today instead of picking up your drug of choice, do anything you can think of today instead of pick up your doc. We get sober by taking ACTION not by taking our time.
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For myself, feeling like a failure was part of what kept me in that cycle. Low (no) self esteem, no self respect or love. I just felt so incredibly broken and like WHY CAN’T I DO THIS? It took a long time. Being here helped a lot. Reading other people’s experiences (on here and in quit lit) helped a lot. Taking each day as it came, each minute if needed, helped. Going for walks when craving, sleeping, coming on here, whatever it took. It is not easy at the beginning, it is really hard. But we CAN do hard things. 
I kept a list on my phone of why I was quitting…why I didn’t want to wake up and feel that way ever again. I would read it over and over (and it was long) when I thought I needed to drink again…to remind me of the reality of the mess of my life.
We really can get sober and heal the pain inside. Please fight for yourself. You deserve a healthy healing happy life. 
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The desire for self annihilation is something I relate to a lot. For me, it stemmed from childhood trauma and I found it really helpful to work through that in counselling. Is that something you have access to? Also, AA meetings are helpful, as it’s a group of people who will just listen and never judge you. The support I’ve felt at AA is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.
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I’m writing this here as record for myself really. I relapsed again…
Tonight I’m going to give my debit card and any cash I have in the house to my mother so that she can keep them at her house and I’ll ask her not to give them to me no matter what I say. If I have no access to money then I can’t be tempted when I walk by the store. A week or two of this should do the trick, I think. And I’m not going to leave the house this entire week which I can do since I freelance anyway. I won’t be able to order anything online either. I’m going to transfer all the money from my account to my mother’s. There’s no other way.
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I’m rooting for you!
From my perspective, that’s a tough spot to put her in. When that urge gets to you, that’s conflict waiting to happen. It could impact you more.
What about a joint account with her, that way she can see your purchases and call you out on it that way?
You can also make your debit card not work at ATMs and only for purchase in store, so the tracking is there.
For me, the first few days I was buying a ton of take-out. Sharing with the people in my home, breaking bread.
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Thank you for the encouragement. It might create conflict, it’s true. But I see no other option. I’ve refused to ask for help so far, except on this app, because I didn’t want anyone to know. But I can’t do this by myself, I need help. I hate to ask for it but I have to. It’s that or dying from cirrhosis since I already have fatty liver. In any case, my mother’s very tough, she went to military school; if there’s a conflict, I’m sure she’ll win, lol. Thanks again
I’ll keep posting here until it’s done; I’ll either be another success story or a cautionary tale. Either way, it might help someone else.
I can relate to not wanting people to know, but to quote my mom “They already know”. For me to get to the point where I wanted to quit, I’ve acted a fool enough times to be a topic of conversation for others.
For me (Day 6), I’ve learned being sober is a team sport and you need more than one player. I think it’s awesome your mom is on your side. This app has helped me a ton too.
Try a meeting? Confide in a friend or family member? Pick the same spot to go for coffee everyday and make friends with the staff?
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God, I hope they don’t already know. I retreat to my house often, hide really. The cafe idea is really good. I’ll do it once it’s safe enough for me to get my money back. That and rock climbing. I’ll do both once I manage to get myself together, by some miracle.
And congratulations to you for 6 days of sobriety! It’s an achievement and you should be proud 
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You’re only human m8. Im on my latest bid to dry out so i understand completely what you’re saying. Im at 14 days , i have to stop, im 54 and my liver/kidneys cant take it any more , i think thats the only reason this bid might be my last , the fact you keep hitting the reset button shows you that however shit you feel, something inside you wants off this mad ride that is addiction. The fact you have this app does too. Ppl like us are self destructive and its hard for us to take time out to try and be kind to ourselves, but we must, as nobody else is gonna do it.
Stay strong m8.
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You seem really communicative and honest, these traits can be valuable in recovery meetings. As I know AA / 12 steps meetings aren’t for everyone, there are hopefully also normal self help groups for addicts, or alcoholics in your area. It helps to just talk to people in person who have / had the same problem.
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49 HOURS!!! I THINK I’M GONNA MAKE IT THIS TIME!!! 
I think everyone here should shun me if I fail again, which I won’t.
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That is not how we work here, so it’s not going to happen. Just take it a minute at a time.
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Thank you for that. I’ve covered my walls with sticky notes that say, "Resist!!” I’ve also put one on the door begging myself not to leave the house. I’ll do it for another minute 
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