I’m starting this thread to vent. I’m not sure I should say anything, I’m not sure if anyone would want to read it, but I’m certain that I want it to be somewhere in full view.
I relapsed after 63 hours. I’ve started again today.
63 hours is a long time to stare at yourself in the void, to once again be forced to feel the full weight of your existence and hear yourself once again, in your solitude. In those 63 hours I realized, despite the unbearable brain fog, that there’s a part of me, a dominant part, that seeks my total and complete annihilation. There’s a part of me, that is determined to destroy me in the most painful and humiliating way.
But, I’m still here, tapping that “reset” button again and again, which means that perhaps, maybe there’s also a part, however small, that wants to save me.
I know that nobody in the world can help me except myself. And if this little tiny part of me is willing to try to save me from my self-imposed doom, then that’s something to hold on to.
I’m going for 72 hours this time. Even if I have to restart a thousand times I will. I’ll keep adding 10 hours. But I won’t let that monster in me win anymore. I’ll either do this successfully or die trying.
Looking back, when I had no desire to change, that was the scariest time.
When I saw I had a problem and tried to stop, then I started my journey up out of that pit.
It took many attempts but each time I got a bit stronger, could hold out a bit longer.
Sounds like you are on your journey up out of that pit.
You’re doing a good job. 72 hours is good goal. 
Make it easy try a meeting meet like minded sober people , they helped me stay sober wish you well
Thank you for the encouragement 
I will climb out, you’re right. I’m determined! Can’t live like this anymore.
I can relate. It sounds like youre a tortured soul but it doesnt have to always be like that. What helped me was a 3 prong attack: find community, accountability, and therapy. I hope that wee part of you feels some hope and continues to fight
It’s ok to just BE, if the only thing you do today is survive that’s perfectly fine. Sending you lots of hugs and some flowers you possibly would like to stare at instead of the void. Keep going, you are not alone 
What a beautiful comment this is. These flowers are gorgeous; I’d forgotten that beautiful things exist. Addiction makes one quite self-involved, no? Thanks for reminding me about the beauty in life and snapping me out of this grotesque solipsism that I’m trapped in. Here’s some flowers for you 
Thank you again 
Hi, thank you so much for the encouragement. I will fight, I have no other choice. But I’m glad that I’ve found this app. I’m finding that the people here are all so wonderful and kind and just amazing. You all make this so much easier
Awww, how sweet! Thank you 
As I myself do need reminders on the simple, beautiful things in life that exist without noticing my brainfuck I love to remind others when I come across and think it might shine a ray of light into the darkness. I’m happy you like it and don’t forget to smile! Every little smile is a little sunshine for our souls 
If you want to destract yourself, this is a lovely thread to read around with georgeous pictures. I link my latest sharing on an idea that was developed here on TS together. If you like, start reading the thread from the beginning. It always lifts my spirits 
It IS a ray of light, truly. I’m smiling as I type. My first I think, in a few days. Well, first one that’s real and I didn’t fake.
I’ll do that right now, thanks
Your post is so real and honest. Knowing myself, I tend to be all or nothing. I also know if I set a specific goal, once I reach that goal, I am likely to go back to “normal”, even if normal is bad or unhealthy. Because of this, with my drinking, I have to not set a specific goal and instead decide to never drink again. I have relapsed, but I believe I would relapse even more often if I had a finite, specific # of days goal. We are all different, but I wanted to share this perspective with you. Reaching 72 hours sober will be great, but don’t limit yourself, keep going. I wish you all the best. That part of you that wants to succeed and survive is strong and can do it!
Hi, thank you for the encouragement I believe you’re right. I should probably aim for more than 72 hours; maybe giving myself 72 hours is an excuse to quit trying, maybe it’s my self destructive side that sets that goal. I can’t tell which is which, I’m very confused at the moment, with all this fog… I just had an idea, why don’t I make it a week? And then come right back to this thread, to this same comment, and tell you if I made it. I can’t tell anyone outside this app, you see. But maybe if I promise you, then I’ll keep it up.
There is a lot of wisdom and I suppose millions of years of sobriety behind ONE DAY AT A TIME
It’s the mindset. You only can take care of today. Your focus & control is this very minute. Not more, not less. Backward thinking doesn’t change anything, future thinking is escaping the present moment. It is a proper, solid goal to say: Today I chose sobriety every minute from waking up to falling asleep. My goal is to put my sober head on the pillow tonight, no matter what, no what-ifs, no excuses. Just focus on NOW and ME. That’s enough. When you wake up the next day: repeat. We don’t borrow from tomorrow. We focus on today
See, I’ve been told that on another thread that I started. But I forgot about it. I mean, somehow the concept just didn’t translate into action. I said at time that I’ll do ot that way but I didn’t. Felt like I’d lose my grip if I didn’t stick to a set goal. I’ll try to do it this way again then. I’ll forget the one week thing, and just not do it now. Not even today, but just, now…
I hope I’ll never have to start a relapse thread again.
Maybe one day I’ll start a ‘life in recovery’ thread. That’d be nice. Thanks so much @erntedank you’re awesome!
You’re welcome! And see: another 5 h in the sober box since the first post. Minutes add up, babysteps add up, each and every tiny bit counts.
Hey that’s true! I didn’t notice that!
if there’s a “part of you” that is fully aware of this drastic issue and dedicated to solving it no matter how venemous and all-consuming it appears, then i would say this “part” you’re talking about is not so little or tiny, eh? 
Hi,
I’m 19 hours in, so you’re probably right. I’ll admit it once I hit that 72-hours mark