Hi guys! I guess this is just general life advice. I figured posting on here is much healthier than imagining escaping through alcohol so here’s what I’m dealing with and could use third party insight:
My partner of one year has this long time female friend of 5 years. He has been honest with my about their history, admitted when he first met her he had a crush on her but she basically friend zoned him. He told me after that happened any vibesn other then being just friends went away and he no longer has feelings for her like that. He has included me in the friendship since day one, been totally transparent about when they talk and what about etc. I would say before I started getting uncomfortable they would talk on the phone twice or three times a month. He also affirms my importance over hers with his actions and states if she is ever around there will be boundaries and our family time will always be respected.
However, The closer he and have become the more it started to bother me, to the point that I basically asked him to give up the friendship for me. It really bothered me that she bonded with my stepkids before I did. He hasn’t spoken to her in 6 months. He expressed to me recently he feels suppressed and not trusted. He assures me he no longer has feelings for her and is receptive of my feelings of discomfort. He asked if we can work through it and he can talk to her again. I understand why he would feel that way and i desparely want to be cool with this. I think the right thing to do would be to show some unconditional love and face some discomfort for his happiness at first, then with time I’ll grow and be able to handle this better.
My ex husband was not trustworthy and I deal with jealously of pretty much all women who come in contact with my current partner, not just this one. I’m trying to work through it the best I can and I feel that he is telling the truth and is trustworthy in this aspect, and so is the female friend. I have met her once (she lives a couple hours away) and have talked to her on the phone here and there to try to feel more comfortable. I know logically that it is ok. How can I be more secure in myself and reason with my anxious mind knowing he will talk to her? Have any of you guys dealt with similar situations?
In the past I would just drink this away but I actually want to grow personally on this issue so I’m posting for some support and hopefully will gain some good tools. Thank you!
I think the best you can do is give him the benefit of the doubt. Trust him until the trust is violated, if it ever is. We can’t control other people at best sometimes we can moderate our own emotions. Finally speak with him openly, communication, communication, communication.
I think give him the benefit of the doubt unless he’s proven not to be trusted before. This is a new relationship I would stop comparing to your past relationship. I know that’s easier said than done. You don’t want it to get to the point he resents you for making him not talk to his friend. Good luck I hope it all works out for you guys. Love can over come all.
You are making decisions and leading your life based on fear rather than love. The fear that he will cheat, that we will be untrustworthy, that he will leave you etc. Rather than simply loving him and giving it a chance to work. Is she good with yur stepkids? Maybe you could look at it with love: love and gratefulness that she has been involved in their lives for so long and been a positive influence?
As I said maybe just think leading with love rather than fear. You’d be surprised the doors it opens up
Anytime just sharing a bit of advice and learning I’ve been doing recently.
I truly believe you get back what you put out into the world. A bit like karma - what goes around comes around. So put out positives, put out love and reap the returns. If you put out fear you will manifest anxiety and depression.
I’m guilty of judging someone’s actions on how other people act. If someone has been untrustworthy in specific ways in the past that has greatly affected me, I automatically apply that suspicion to anyone else that might have the ability to wrong me in that way.
It’s a tough habit to break because I just assumed everyone is the same… Not sure why? But if someone doesn’t give me a reason not to trust them, I need to put that first over my insecurities. Because my insecurities will really destroy any chance at a relationship over another person. I know doing this is a lot easier said than done
Never give an ultimatum because it can backfire and you will loose him. I had 2 male friends since high school and they introduced me to my husband. I am still friends with one of them to this day and my hubby is fine with it. Both of these guys wanted to date me and I did try going out with the one im still friends with. It never worked because he was a best friend , and it was actually repulsive to date him because I could never look at him as sexual feelings. I talk to him everyday on Facebook, even right in front of my husband. It’s funny because he always asks what he’s up to. Just try to trust because not everyman is going to be like your ex. Besides you should actually go out for coffee or something alone with her, or talk to her on the phone and get to know one another. You never know you two could hit it off and become good friends, stranger things have happened. Good luck!
Oh hell no. The only guys who have female friends are gay guys and guys who want to, or are, getting something. I am saying this as a guy. I don’t have female friends, and won’t since I am in a relationship. What I am saying may not settle well with a lot of people, but it is true 99% of the time. I can be, and am nice to women (all people to the best of my ability), but it’s crossing an invisible line if I spend time with a woman or talk on the phone or text with her beyond business things.
Sorry if this rubs some people wrong, but it’s a fact that if a straight man is friends with a woman, he has thought about or does think about being with her, if he isn’t already. Straight men 99% of the time have Male friends exclusively unless we are trying to make moves. The only reason a straight guy hangs around women is because he has other things on his mind. Any woman who disagrees with me should try to get with their male friends, and see how quickly he welcomes her and doesn’t turn her down.
Neither me nor my girlfriend hang out with or call/text people of the opposite gender unless there is a business reason for the communication. We are both mature and experienced enough to know what “friends” of the opposite sex leads to.
If the woman your guy is friends with is not a lesbian, he should cut her off immediately if he wants to protect the relationship he has with you.
I think of it more as understanding intergender dynamics. 99% of the time when a man is “friends” with a woman, he has or is thinking about being with her. It’s nature. Talk about it, debate it, do whatever you want to about it, but it is the law of nature. The only men who want to just be friends with women, are either gay or waiting for an opportunity.
Sorry if this rubs you wrong, but I didn’t create the laws of nature.
My gf would flip her shit if I was talking to or spending time with a female “friend” because she understands the laws of nature. Besides, wtf would I rather spend time with another woman when I could be spending time with her?
I totally agree with you that trying to control someone only leads to bad things. Thankfully I am with someone who understands these things, as do I, so we don’t have any confusion on this topic.
I mean your attention is being focused on this app right now and I’m a woman, so I don’t see the difference personally. But it’s your relationship so that’s cool you both feel the same way. I just know for me, I can’t let things like that bother me otherwise I’d be consumed by it. To each their own.
Hi Josh, while I see the line of thinking behind your words here, it is not something I see in my experience of being a straight man. I have several female friends I value highly. I have boundaries about what I share and don’t share with these people, but these are friendships: we do brunch, sometimes a dog walk, a chat. Friendship is, to me anyway, about contributing meaningfully to another person’s life: sharing in the emotional ups and downs, celebrating their achievements, supporting their growth. There is so much richness and depth to people, and you can appreciate it without sexual or relationship tension.
What I’ve found is very important is to be devoted to my marriage, and be sure I’m being loving and engaged, emotionally and physically, with my wife. It’s when we’re not engaged with each other in mutually appreciative ways, that relationships with others start to get problematic. It all comes back to that safe home: work on your marriage, or your partnership, make it rich and deep and pleasing, attend to your partner and invest in her - and then your friendships with others are set free and can grow in healthy ways.
My now ex, father of my child, hated that i had friends of the opposite sex, he still brings it up and its frustrating (as the guy on question is a happily married man) Its healthy to have friends of the opposite sex, some of my male friends i have dated but we were better off as friends.
He is with you, not her. He will talk about her and she will give him a female perspective which could do wonders to your relationship.
Get to her her, be honest but be open and willing. If your partner seeing you making an effort it could even strengthen ur relationship (** just speaking from experience)
Yes good call. I am on speaking terms with her I recently flat out explained to her what I’m dealing with. She was understaning and said she will respect any boundaries I set. It was not easy to text her and working through this is very difficult but I hope it is just growing pains
Think of it this way, if your best mate was a guy and every one of his girlfriends disliked you simply because of your gender, it would suck. Im hlad your making an effort to get to know her and as i said your boyfriend would see it too and be proud of you for doing it
Best wishes to you, we just disagree, but that’s cool with me. My point is not to convince others to adopt what thousands of years of human history confirms regarding intergender dynamics. My only job is to take my own inventory and keep my side of the street clean. Only commented on this because someone asked a question, and I gave honest input not to convince or debate, but simply to share the way of nature. Do with my input what you will. I cannot control that. Just remember every affair starts out with a friendship, which could be one reason AA recommends Male sponsors for men and female sponsors for women, but what do I know?
just sharing a bit of advice and learning I’ve been doing recently.
