I’m doing good 
I’m past 12 days now 
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Congrats on 11 days! and I know you’ll make it through too!
You can do it!
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Well I’ve made it through day 13 now 
though I had one of those dreams last night that I’d rather never have… but I believe I handled it about the best I could. I got up, said a prayer, and examined my self to see if I had been letting my mind slip towards any sort of thinking that would have led to that sort of dream, and of course, realizing I had, I determined to do better and not let my mind wonder to even the “innocent” things that I know, in my self, will only lead to not so innocent actions. And I also realized that, even if I had been keeping my mind perfectly “clean” now, that I’ve already mucked it up in the past and it’ll take some time for it to rewire and stop coming up with those dreams. So I forgave myself for the past, I’m gonna keep working to better myself in the present, and I have hope for the future, knowing (from past experiences) that these dreams do stop.
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My mind is a train wreck. I expect it will take more years before I’ll master maintaining custody of my mind. Easy does it, I guess. Great job on the 13 days.
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Hey Michael,
It’s been too long. How are you? Please respond.
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How are you doing?
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Yeah I’m sorry its been a bit. I had an intense week, I got to go to a mens encounter meeting in Kansas, which was really great, God did some really good things in me there! And I got to go over some things with my extended family and ask some questions I’ve been needing to ask, and so there’s some really good healing going on in my family right now! And I got to spend some quality time with my oldest brother! And my wife was extremely happy to see me when I got back from my trip! So it was a good week for me! And I’ve made it 21 days now
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21 days! Wow! That is stellar. Keep it up my friend!
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25 days now thanks guys
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Well done on 25 days
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Thanks! I’m now at 27 days now.
I have this question/fear in my mind that I keep coming back to, I’m hoping someone can help me with?
The question is “will I always be crippled by this addiction to porn throughout my whole life, even while staying sober from it?”.
To try and explain myself, the way I see it is, the best way to control the urge to act out or look at porn is to control my mind. But I can’t control my mind when my eyes are falling on everything they’re use to looking at. So the solution for me has been to “bounce” my eyes away from everything and anything that is sexual stimulating to me except for my wife. And this has really helped, it allows me to correct my mind for that first look and what thoughts it might have stirred up, and that helps me not to take a second look. I’ve also made sure to cut out any movies with nude scenes and I hardly watch anything really, we don’t have TV or cable or anything and I don’t really enjoy watching movies by myself.
But this is the part that makes me feel “crippled”…
When I watch a movie I watch it with my wife, and for Valentine’s day we bought a couple sappy romance movies to watch… now I’m wondering if I should even watch them with her, because, while they’re not rated for nudity, they are rated for sexuality. And I know the longer I stay sober the more even little things can stir a sexual reaction in me. But does mean that I can’t even watch a movie with my wife unless it’s just a cartoon or something that stirs no sexual ideas in me what so ever?
What’s even harder to think about is going on vacation with my wife to Florida… she’s so excited and want to be excited right along with her but all I can think is, how the heck am I going to "bounce " my eyes off every woman in a bikini with out just landing them right back on another and another and so on? I already have a hard enough time at the hot springs we go to, and there’s way less people there than in Florida.
Another way I feel crippled and like I won’t be able to be used by God because of this addiction is, we’ve wanted to go on a missions trip to Africa at some point in our lives and just show the love of God, build housing and just help in anyway we can. The places my wife has always dreamt of going are the secluded areas where people most need help. But in those places there’s cultures where the women just don’t wear tops and I don’t know how I would respond to that. I don’t know if I could just show them the love of God and be around them for long periods of time without objectifying them and capturing those images of them in my head and acting out over those images later. I hate to think that I will always be so broken and so evil that wouldn’t be able handle a situation like that. I would love to think that with time God will completely heal and restore my mind and heart and eyes to not objectify women no matter how much skin I can see. But is that just like a alcoholic thinking that they can go back to drinking moderately?
I know this is already a long post but this next thought bothers me the most. So please, even if you don’t respond to any of the above questions, PLEASE answer me this…
If my wife and I have a daughter and, at any time throughout her life, I have even the smallest thought of sexual perversion towards her, what do I do?!? I’ve never had any thoughts like that towards children before, I know my heart, and I’ve always looked away if someone’s little girl comes running in the room after a bath without anything on, just to make sure I never give place to wrong thoughts towards children. But when she’s my daughter, I would be the one bathing her, changing her dipers and being there for her as she grows into a young lady. I want so badly for my wife and I to raise up a little girl and for her to learn the same good values that are in my wife, and for her to have a loving father that she can look up to and trust!
But I’m so gosh darn scared that I’ll screw up and hurt her and cripple my relationship with my daughter because of this addiction!
Thank you for taking the time to read this. And sure will appreciate any response, thanks.
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I understand the fear. It’s unfortunately the perversion that indulging in pornography continually will do to you. It’s progressive. The brain will eventually sexualize anything and everything. When I’m shoulder deep in pornography addiction, I’m even attracted to art and cartoons. It’s ridiculous. They aren’t real people. Not even images of real people. But, that’s how warped my our brains become.
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Michael,
Congratulations on staying sober for 27 days.
You brought up some legitimate questions and concerns.
From my experience and what I’ve been taught, it would be unrealistic for me to expect myself to be completely healed and delivered of any desire to act out sexually. I need to be forever vigilant and understand that this will never go away until I die. It’s not what I always want to hear, but at least it’s an honest expectation.
I can identify with your struggle to limit environments that would trigger the addict inside me. And I realize the importance of limiting my exposure to them. However, it cannot always be controlled. And if my family wants me to spend time with them at such a place like the beach, I will, most likely, attend. Because spending time with my family is an outer circle behavior. And my outer circle takes precedence over my middle one. And yes, it sucks sometimes. But it’s not an option for me to deny my family of fun because I have a weakness. So I do the best I can during these circumstances. It’s kind if like a recovering alcoholic choosing to go to a wedding that serves alcohol because it’s for a close relative.
Now, there are other solutions too. I don’t always have to go to a triggering environment to have fun with my family. I still respect my middle circle. And if I felt compelled to join my wife on a missions trip to a third world country or a vacation, then I always weigh the costs of how such a trip might affect me addiction-wise. My wife is keen about that too and will understand why I may not want to go to Vegas or Mardi Gras. And there are plenty of third world cultures in which the women are clothed. So there are options.
As for the father/daughter relationship thing. Well, my wife and I were concerned about that too. But I’ve honestly never entertained the thought of harming my daughters in any way. It’s thankfully, not been an issue. But if I had continued to act out sexually without restraint, I can’t say that my daughters would not be at risk of harm by me. So I’m reassured that if I keep getting better, I shouldn’t have to worry about that.
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This is quite a powerful share. I wish everyone would read this.
How much you struggle with this through the remainder of your life will largely be determined by how much you recover. You have conditioned yourself to be aroused by things that you shouldn’t be aroused at. Now you have to recondition yourself. You can do this. All you need is time and diligence. Nobody knows how long this will take. Let these healthy desires motivate you. I think you’ll be surprised at the changes that occur within you as a result of your diligence. Put your sobriety first, even when it requires sacrifice. Enjoy the process. You’re doing great!
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Thank you so much RBG! I really needed that!
God’s really doing some cool things through you.
It’s cool getting to see the progress you’re making!
@KevinesKay @DungeonMaster thanks for your honesty, for sharing your experience and for your words of wisdom!
You three have definitely been the biggest inspirations on this site to me. So thanks for just being y’all! You’re doing great guys!
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I’ve made it 30 days today! I’m excited to be sober on Valentine’s day!
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Congratulations!
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Well I’ve made it 34 days now and I’m gonna be honest, and I know this is a horrible thought/feeling, but I feel like it doesn’t really even matter that much anymore… like it’s not making that much of a difference in my life right now.
I still have brain fogs. I still lack inspiration, motivation and determination to get anything done in a timely manner. I’m still very down on my self for so many things. And I guess I also thought/hoped that my wife would be more attracted to me, since I’m not constantly messing up and hurting her with this addiction. She says she’s glad am doing better, but it always seems like it’s just one of those things she feels like she has to say. Though I know it would definitely hurt her if I ever messed up again.
And I’m not saying these things to say I feel like giving up, I never want to give up, I’m just saying I’m disappointed in the lack of change in myself so far. In times past I had seen a lot more change by now.
And I guess I’m a little afraid that the “brian fogs” the “lack of motivation” and the “lack of intimacy” that, in times past, have been so closely attached to the addiction, have now attached them self’s to me and somehow become a part of me. I know this is a horrible fear to have, and while my rationale mind can see right through it and defuse it, this fear tends to come when I’m not in a rationale state of mind.
So if there’s any one who would like to say some words against that fear, that I could take to heart (and not just rationale mind) I’d appreciate it, thanks
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Whatever has become attached to you can become unattached. You are not stuck. Recovery is unpredictable. In the short term, there are ups and downs. In the long term there will be improvement. Have faith, my friend.
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For me, the benefits of sobriety come slowly. My life doesn’t get all better after 100 days. Certainly, not after 30.
The first year is early sobriety. I would not expect my loved ones to be jumping for joy at each month of sobriety. they’re not addicts. To them, staying away from porn is easy, and they believe it should be easy for me too.
Plus, there still is that thought in the back of they’re minds, “When is his next relapse?” Loved ones often prepare for the worse.
One immediate benefit of my sobriety is that I stop causing the pain, to myself and my loved ones.
From doing the routine behaviors in my life to keep my recovery going such as logging into TS, going to CR, calling a buddy, being more attentive to my wife, playing my guitar, developing my relationship with God, I start experiencing benefits as well over time. I guess one can say that they’re not direct benefits of being sober. But rather, they are benefits from doing those outer circle behaviors that I neglected for so long.
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