Have you tried AA ore rehab? Sounds like you could use some help to get started. What have you tried so far?
I understand the hateful feelings you have towards yourself.
It’s a merry go round 
For me it was: getting up with a hangover and feeling sick, ashamed and guilty. Decide not to drink anymore. Next day feeling a bit better and thinking a lot about drinking. On day 3 I felt great and decided I haven’t had a problem at all and started to drink again. Like I said a merry go round…
The only one who can stop this is you.
If I where you I would read this thread:What's YOUR plan? and if you would to check out online meetings ore in real life you find them here:Resources for our recovery
If you drink a serieus amount of alcohol each day I would advice you to see a doctor first before you quit.