Please help me, it´s time

Hi there, I am a 40 year old single female from Europe, so please forgive my English. In the past 5 years I lost my partner and my father and, to make me be able to sleep at all, I turned to Vodka about three years ago. The amount from my intake increased to 200-400ml every night. It went from a random encounter, but for the last 16 days, it became an every night habit.
Nobody knows about it, I am not phsyically dependent, there is no sign of withdrawal, but emotionally it feels like coming home is falling into loneliness, anxiety and dispair…I get paranoid about somebody finding out, not even my therapist knows about it. Due to extremely high costs, I quit going to see her. Nobody ever saw me drinking in company ever. I do hate wine and beer, so I never drank it, I wouldn´t even try it if it was the last thing on eart, To me it´s Vodka,
I,ve gained at least 15 pounds and my face got bloated. Since I do have a lot of allergies, I do have a lot of excuses for my eyes being red.
I had my last drink one hour ago. I want to see if I can manage without AA, maybe turning to you guys might help. Even if non of you responds, I could use it as a diary, expressing my urges and my loneliness, Thanx

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Day one here too after a 3 day relapse. We WILL stop. Vodka will ruin us if we don’t. With a clear mind we can face just about anything and get through it. It will be rough at first but we will move forward. Pat yourself on the back, you’ve made a very wise decision to stop.

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I could quit in like three days in a row, since I am not physically dependent YET, but it felt like a punishment. All the pain, the guilt, the loneliness, the boredom. I had a mini shot after came home from a conference, so my mind is absolutely clear. Thats when I realized, I need help and now it´s the time. I´d appreciate it so much if I felt obliged to tell you folks what I did and when and how. I am longing to tell the truth since I´ve become a master manipulator, like turning off my cell, so nobody ever could reach me intoxicated.

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Welcome, @Marisim. I’m glad you found us.

My first thought is you may find the support in AA to be a lot like this forum. Just folks with different stories who all relate and want to help each other get/stay sober.

I also hid my drinking as best as I could until it was written all over me, dictating when I came and went, the only thing I thought about all day. My world got so small. Getting honest about it was a relief.

Because fortunately there can be a life after all of that. One filled with others, purpose and meaning.

Have you written out the reasons you want to stop? Who you hope to be and what you might find again if you can break the cycle? I find this really helpful and give mine a read any time the thought to drink crosses my mind.

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I really appreciate that comment! Been trying to stop for two years. I’m finally realizing letting go of the shame and being honest is where I need to be.

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I came here because I want to get over this. I don´t want to feel like a lying person to myself anymore. I don´t want to start some sort of double life and want to be it an ending it right now. My friend, who is a binge drinker told me three years ago, if you feel like shit, go sip some Vodga, go bed to sleep and screw the world. It became very attractivrl.But now i´ve done it for more than two weeks in a row. Not to mention the last years like three times a week, all by myself,
I´m not stupid but today I realized , this is it. I need help.

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Welcome @Marisim. This is great that you joined this app. You get to know people that are like minded. You can ask questions and you get really helpful answers. Most importantly you are not alone with this addiction anymore and you get company anytime you need some just to not feel lonely anymore. This app has helped me after a lot of falls to finally grab “my sobriety path” and to stay on it. Yet I have to work on myself everyday and I don’t ever take sobriety for granted. You can do this. I hope to see you around :blush:

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hi and good for you for finally waking up. Trust me people will respond but I still suggest you write a diary, I do it on here every night, not always got much to say and they may well be the better days. Stay on here the people are great and will always support you, be honest with yourself and throw your ego in the bin. Today is going to be the first day of the rest of your life but don’t worry about what the future has in store for you right now because today is the only day that will ever matter, I can promise you that if you can take care of the day your future will take care of you.

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Welcome to a new life!

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Thanks for all your kind words.

I am at work at the moment, and as everyday positive that I´m gonna make it today. But then comes the crucial moment…standing in front of my apartment building, ready to get my keys. Then there is that moment of being at home by myself and I switch into some sort auf “Remote”-Mode and I would go the next store, buy some V., go home, drink about 200ml or maybe more. Sometimes I add some xanax too.

When I´m out with a friend, like having dinner or going to the movies…those used to be the “safe” nights. Unfortunately, not even more. :frowning:

Come here everytime you want to go to the store and buy some alcohol. Come here and write until your hands hurt but don’t drink. Talk to people on here. There is always someone that will respond. You have the power to stop now you can. I believe in you :muscle:t5:

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Thank you, I will, I promise! I don´t want this sh… anymore! The lying, the pretending, the extra money, the extra pounds, the guilt, the shame, the fear that someone at work would find out, the cover ups.

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That’s great. You are tired of being tired of this life. And this is the greatest and best motivator. Now don’t forget this feeling in a few days when everything is getting better. Stick to this app and the people and take it one day at a time :four_leaf_clover:

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I got so anxious about managing my first day that I had to take a Xanax a couple of minutes ago. Usually, while I´m at work I never worry about finishing the day, but now, that it is “official”, I am so scared and feel lost. :disappointed: It´s been 18 hours so far.

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Hello @Marisim and welcome to sobriety. When I got sober, I used everything available to me, including a counselor, Antabuse medication, and AA.

My focus at that time was to get to bed sober each night. I could not bear to think of all the dry years ahead of me, nor to think of much of the pain and suffering I had caused to myself and others in the past. What I was able to do was to concentrate on each day, each hour, until bedtime. And I often went to bed early in those days!

I got sober when I asked myself “What must I do in order to stay sober?” instead of telling myself what would not work, or what I would refuse to do.

Blessings on your house :pray: as you begin your journey.

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18 hours is great. So maybe take it hour by hour. You can do this. And think about it. You never ever have to go through all of this again once you’ve left this path behind you. Focus on what to do after work. Where to go. Set yourself a plan and stick to it. What will you eat for dinner tonight? Plan ahead. Maybe watch a nice movie on TV? Like @SinceIAwoke said focus on getting to bed sober… Focus on just today…
Log in here everytime you need to. Let us know how it goes

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Thank you so much for your support. Now it’s getting critical, I’m going home from work.

OK talk to us. Are you home yet? What are your plans now? What will you do until you go to bed???

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I’m glad you came here and opened up to us. This forum has been a life saver.

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