Okay so I just keep failing at staying sober I can get anywhere between 3-7 days more like 3-5 then I drink. I don’t like blaming others or what they are doing. Honestly I think my marriage is hurting me. He always puts his job 1st. I’m not even sure where I am on his list. I work days he works nights and I’m so tired of being alone. I moved from another state to be with him yet I’m barely with him. I don’t know many people here so he is really all I have. Please someone tell me what to do so I don’t keep turning to alcohol. I’m si over it but it’s all I have.
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Have you tried to talk about how you feel with your husband? You need to be a priority. A man’s wife should be his 2nd priority after God. (Not forcing my beliefs on you). Whatever you believe though you need to be your husband’s top priority. If it’s making you miserable to the point of drinking then something needs to change. Some of the best advice I’ve received “it’s better to be alone, than to be with someone who makes you feel alone”. We are always here to talk about whatever. I’m here if you ever need to vent or need anything else. Just remember when you sober up you always feel worse than you did before.
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Stay focussed. Visit here daily. Read a lot. Go to meetings.
Your work schedules sound nasty, but keep it minds he as well needs to earn a living…
Talk with him about how uou feel. No blaming, no nothing - just an open anf honest talk about yóu.
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Your heartache sounds serious and by all means, talk to the man, if he loves you he’ll listen and value your feelings.
Yet how exactly is drinking helping in this situation or has anything to do with it really? If you want to get sober you have to put the work in. Understand this is your job, husband and alonetime notwithstanding, and no one else’s. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, separate the alcohol from the husband issue and get to work.
Start engaging here, read recovery literature, watch some YouTube docs on what alc does to your body. Check out meetings f2f or online on intherooms.com
Here’s a list of resources I find pretty helpful: Resources for our recovery
Advice for the Newcomer and Constant Relapser
The biggest advice I can give you is to: Build a life you don’t need to escape from. you’ve already identified what it is you drink at. It’s loneliness and rejection. This problem will have to be remidied for you to live a more fulfilled life. But the solution will certainly not come to you drunk or from a bottle. Sober you have a chance to make changes. You’re just keeping yourself trapped where you are and where it hurts by staying a drunk.
Best of luck to you!
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I agree. I have talked to him. He says his job is more important. He says he can go to 1 st shift but only if he feels it’s right. I’m obviously not the right reason.
I get you and I know what your saying I have been to rehab twice so believe me I know what to read and do. I have even done counseling outside of rehab. He just blames me always and never sees his faults. Like he texts women all the time. And says it’s work related when it even goes against work policy. So what am I?
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I’m sorry your having such a tough time, help is a step away
First you must accept this is your problem not your husbands, If he didn’t exsist you might still have a drinking problem.
As far as a spouse, would you want to come home to a husband who’s lit all the time eh probably not. That’s where your personal accountability comes into play, you need to not drink for you. And the byproducts and benefits just grow from there
As far as your husband, he should have some sort of priority for you that exceeds like roommate,
My kids mom and I worked opposite shifts, mainly cause it was financially savy regarding how much child care costs.
We had to find time together, wasn’t all that often between jobs where we worked rotating schedules. And kids and such, well we might only had a weekend a month where we got time together. Welcome to adulthood i guess. Part of the problem was we fed on each other’s addictions so that weekend together was a alcohol fused drug induced haze. I look back on it now how I’d kill for those days to be spent with my kids who are now teenagers. Instead of wasting them away choking down a bottle and smoking anorting or injecting whatever
I have talked to him. Over and over again. He seems to just not listen. He use to be a drug addict. 4 years clean although he drank when he was 1 year clean for about 1 month cause I was a month clean then. He is why I relapsed then but he says because he isn’t an alcoholic him drinking wasn’t a problem. He blames me for everything and I’m just so tired.
If your not the right reason you see where you land on his priority list,
And we’ll that’s fucking sad, I’m not one to say leave a marriage. But if your husband can’t say moving shifts to be with my wife, and not trying to jam on the newest office tramp. Well he showed his hand
Girl, this sounds exactly like what you’re doing with him in all these posts. Is your sobriety about your husband? How?
Read the answers you got again. I’m not just saying that, do it. They all mention that YOU have to take responsibility for your life. Stop looking to your husband for what are YOUR decisions.
This is your life. Only you can live it. If you say you want sobriety, only you can get sober.
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He might slightly be part of why I got sober at one point. I’ve gotten sober a lot but I always fall back. So how do I just fix me without it being about anyone or anything
He is not why you relapsed,
You had the tools and got sober, you knew the drill and picked up a drink. Hence you relapsed cause of you.
If I’m having a bad day I use my tools i don’t drink or use,
I deal with drunks all the time, yet I stay sober, i know the consequences of my use, I know the things I need to do to not drink
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I get that. But I just need to figure out how to fix me. With or without a man. Or anything or anyone.
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Well you said you had a period of sobriety
What did you do to get there?
How did you maintain it?
What did you do when you fell off like relapse isn’t a sudden thing it’s a gradual process, you don’t just wake up and have a beer, you relapsed way before you drank
What are you gonna do when your struggling what’s your action plan?
Fuck everyone else. This is about you. Your husband wants to dip out let him. You’ll only be better for you. And if someone else comes along. Way better for them
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You stop blaming your relapses or your struggles (or your sobriety for that matter) on anyone else. You look for the part that YOU contribute and control in all things. And you try and take responsibility for that part, for your side in all things.
(That is not to say that you don’t have relationship issues. It sounds like you do, both of you. But this is about YOUR SOBRIETY, not both of your marriage)
You think about your sobriety: is it your husband’s job? Or is it yours? Can he do it for you? Or can only you do it? So who’s got to put the work in?
You.
Then you stop saying you already know everything and start listening to what others did who have now what you want, long term sobriety. You start taking suggestions. And advice. You look for role models. You read links and lists that ppl send you and you start gathering knowledge and experience about recovery. You look for a councelor or therapist. You go to meetings.
You do a great many things and eventually your recovery will gain traction.
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When I got clean and sober I mostly looked for what had worked for others, instead of keeping on looking for what hadn’t worked for me…
Your sobriety is about yóu. No one else. Relation troubles are there I believe, but your so riety is about yóu.
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That’s rough! I’m dealing with kinda the opposite actually I moved 300 miles away from everything to get away from my ex. But that loneliness is killer. My DMs are always open if you just wanna chat, vent, whatever.
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He doesn’t sound like a catch
It is hard to work on a marriage when drinking is an issue. I personally think you should work on sobriety first, then when you are stable look again at the marriage. What have you done so far to stay sober? AA, meetings, etc? The being alone is hard, but equally it is not good if you need a chaparone in your off time. Get sober for YOU, so you can enjoy YOUR time, and then think about your marriage.
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This really sucks. I understand these feelings. My husband has a tendance to put work above everything else and I held a lot of resentment toward him for leaving me to be responsible for all things at home and with the kids. He would come home and do nothing because he had been working so hard all day he needed to “decompress” while I worked my job and then came home to cook dinner and get the kids to their activities.
BUT by finding sobriety FOR MYSELF I learned to let so much go. I realized that he wasn’t focusing on his job because he was selfish….but rather because he was hyper focused on “providing” for us. I still don’t like it (I’d rather more home support) but I understand and appreciate his goals.
I’m not saying this is what your husband is doing and I’m not saying you should just forgive, forget, and let it go. I’m only saying that we don’t don’t always know what other peoples motivations are and when we’re drinking we only see it from our own angry emotions.
My honest suggestion is to focus on yourself….put your sobriety first. See a professional or find some meetings. Get support. And when you have some strength and confidence in you and your needs and goals THEN you can reassess your marriage with a clear mind. Me? I chose to stay with my husband. Our marriage isn’t perfect but we are in a place of understanding now……for now.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!
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