PMO - Porn, Masturbation, Recovery

By the way, I think it’s awesome how you handled that situation

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I like the way you put that, i’m very much that way too. I can only handle so much stimuli before Overheating. like @BeardedSandMan said, you will recognize beauty, that’s going to happen, married or not married. It’s what happens next. Not just then, but what your ‘little monster’ tries to do with that information an hour later. Just today for example, i just thought about something out of no where and my brain wanted to turn it into a fantasy ‘what if’ scenario. I immediately stopped what i was doing and said, “Stop it bro, i’m not drinking Bleach in my mind either”. For me, Fantasy is the same as Relapsing, i dont want no part of it cause fantasy in the past ALWAYS leads to acting out. I take out that scenario, exactly what happened, and i literally with my arms swipe left. It’s a physical thing that jolts my brain into focus. It might seem silly but it works for me. I will literally swipe left with my arm and tell myself to ‘cut it out bro.’ I’m all in on Sobriety, no matter how crazy I look or how it sounds, whatever it takes.

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Separate the disease – the neurological addiction – from the mindset of being a user or not. All users, if
given the opportunity to go back to the time before they became hooked, would jump at the opportunity.
You have that opportunity today! Don’t even think about it as ‘giving up.

A great point from the EasyWay

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Yeah, I’ve thought that a few times. If given the opportunity, I’d go right back to before my last relapse. Knowing the pain I’d go through, I’d stop myself before I got so damn burned.

But then again, I’m thankful for what happened. It awakened my senses and helped me finally see porn for the poison that it truly is. The days, weeks, and months following that experience have been hella painful, so much so that I wanted to die as I’ve said before. I’ve never been suicidal, I’ve never wished for death, but in my lowest of lows, I truly wished to die. But it taught me… It gave me a resolve to do good that far exceeds the desire for relapse.

Now, I just want revenge.

The fire rises :fire:

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I’ll be honest I can’t even trust myself with Instagram or Twitter. Tbh tiktok is riding that thin line now. I thank you for sharing.

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Same here. I’m at 44 days and tik tok is no good to me. I looked up one popular dance and boom! Folks in bikinis…I can’t do it. It’s all poison to me. I’m done with that nonsense.

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The darkness has many faces. Each of us needs to take great care in what we expose ourselves to each day. If TikTok is your kryptonite, stay away from it.

Good to have you here, brother.

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Agree with you all. Know your enemy. My mind is far too fragile now. Theres so many messed up associations for me with internal and external triggers/cues. These can be recalling a previous memory of porn or lingering just a little longer than I should in my mind over a beautiful woman (not her fault), following a stressful day at work, tiredness or even just downright intrusive thoughts. Any of these if given the power can escalate very quickly from fantasy to acting out. I can enter the porn highway rapidly and already struggle to stop. Autopilot mode kicks in. It’s all poison for me and I need to stay clear and self talk to keep clear minded and remind myself this is years of brainwashing I’m trying to de-construct. Support you all in this walk. The prize is so great if we keep our cool and live our lives fully as we have been created to be rather than falling into the distortion of PMO the world around tries to sell us! Happy 2022!

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Today’s been tough. A tired hazy mind which has been hard to control. It’s like I know fantasy is wrong but keep catching myself drifting into it. So I would give myself a 4/10 today - feel the loss of clarity bit by bit. I know it’s the brainwashing and illusory draw so I’m pushing on with self talk to stay grounded. Sometimes lust is hard to shake off! Will re-read my notes on the easy peasy method as a reminder of why I don’t want to.pick up lust, fantasy, PMO ever again!!

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I just want to say what a great job you’re doing on changing the mindset, calling the fantasies for what they are; lies designed to keep us trapped and brainwashed into porn.

And ultimately, we’re free. We never have to look at porn again. I’m done… Done! I don’t envy users anymore. I used to, but now that I understand the trap and that the pleasure from it is simply an illusion, I pity users now. They need our pity.

I’m so happy to see the change you’re making in your life. Enjoy!

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I remember being caught in that mindset too - jealous of those who got to engage while I was struggling so much to stay clean. It was a type of mindset that eventually led me into relapsing after going several years without watching a hardcore video. I’d seen pictures here and there and engaged in other ways, so it’s not like I was 100%, but I’d largely stayed away from porn for years. Then in a night of jealousy, I engaged. It was one of my biggest regrets. It opened a door that I’d fought for so long to close, and then it was blown wide open. I was ashamed, I hurt my marriage, and it lead to years of PMO.

Now, I do pity the user. I feel love for my brothers who stubble in the dark because I was there too. It’s an awful poison, and I wish no one to take the drink.

:fire:

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Thanks that’s great encouragement and something I’m really passionate about working on. Freedom from slavery is everything!

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I think the mindset is so important and especially like your earlier advice on mindfulness

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Woke up this morning and very quickly began to engage from a memory of past soft porn scene and started up the internet search…caught myself on thankfully. Reminded of your previous comment about porn being a lie providing an illusion of satisfaction. Even now without carrying through it feels awful. Those dark shadows in the back of your mind. For me the mornings are hardest when I’m still groggy and not fully connected with reality…seems like a very easy transition to act out fantasy. Horrible to engage in any way…thoughts or surfing the internet as even if I catch myself on it’s like a play rehearsal for the next time. Really want to abstain 100% so there isn’t even a trace of these episodes. So onwards into the breach!

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So here’s a thought: You might want to get a internet blocker installed on your phone, one that can’t be deleted as a safeguard. I understand your ‘inner struggle’ 1000%. Memories and meditating on things that are aweful put you in a terrible position, and your internet blocker can be the failsafe you need to snap out of it. If you have android, “lock me out” is the very best app in my opinion. I’m going to be clean for 2022, but i dont trust that 20+ years of struggle wont have it’s moments, and that’s where your training/failsafe’s come in to make up the difference and help you snap out of it. I can’t speak for you but not having that blocker(which might sound silly, but i consider it a friend, that blocker pops up on my phone and it’s accompanied by a reminder, “Dont drink that bleach, watch yourself.” That’s all i need to snap out of it and remind me of what i’m fighting for: 100% Clean conscience in 2022.

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Thanks buddy. I use Covenant Eyes which allows you to block websites and also sends a report of any ropey Web pages to 2 accountability friends I have picked. I must have 80 websites listed now but as you know the porn industry are constantly adding more. It has helped me stop hard core but I don’t trust myself all the same. Thankfully apps haven’t been a problem. Today I just felt under attack even out and about - I think I am becoming more aware of motives behind a fleeting look at a pretty woman and just keep snapping myself out of the illusory urges which can easily follow. I’m learning to look at PMO and everything which feeds into it as a used car sales man - I just don’t believe a word its telling me! Promise of intimacy or satisfaction or stress relief…sure…rubbish, don’t believe it…move on. PMO as easy peasy describes it, is a great confidence trick! I really need to see and believe this 100% of the time - if I yield even in the small seemingly minor things like a look or thought or memory…it spirals super fast and the rest of the day becomes a major battle…I just hate all of it, the dark shadows and double life. I am so finished with it. Just saying it out loud on this page to you guys really helps remind me why we must stay a million miles away from it so thanks to all of you!!

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@Bomdhil Tell me if that works.

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I use Covenant Eyes as well. Huge for accountability.

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Morning/afternoon,

Got a nasty text message yesterday that made me lol. I said to myself, “Nice try”. *DELETE . Day 48, i’m done with that crap, it’s not even a temptation, it’s just worse than trash. Sober/Clean Conscience 2022. Let’s go.

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Rock on brother! I love that feeling of victory I get when I spit in the face of temptation! Gives me this little rush like, Yeah that’s right, I’m not that man anymore. Go feed your poison to someone else because THIS man ain’t drinking it anymore.

Rage against the dying of the light🔥

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