You can do this, dear sister. If I can do this, you can do this.
Ten months ago, I relapsed for the last time. I’d spent nearly 20 years struggling with pornography and after that day in September of last year, I finally felt like I’d reached the bottom. I was finally willing to do whatever it took to be free of the darkness. After a 10 week recovery course with my church, I put everything aside and committed %100 to the process of recovery.
The road was and is hard. There are still good days and bad days, and while I can honestly say I’ll never go back to pornography again, I’ve had my fair share of trips and stumbles - I’ve been caught in lust traps, found myself lusting after when who weren’t my wife, caught myself searching for things on the Internet that weren’t exactly wholesome, and each time I’ve backed up, reassessed my goals, put down my phone, and stayed the course.
I can honestly say I’ve not relapsed, but I’ve not been perfect either. Rather, I take it as a journey. A journey that will have it’s ups and downs. A journey that requires constant improvement and work. A journey that you keep working on even when you feel like giving up. You just keep on pushing. You just keep on going and don’t give up hope. Don’t hide, don’t bury yourself in shame, keep coming to this chat and others like it and together we can beat this!
Believe in yourself. Be open, be honest, be accountable. If you even just start with the desire to want to quit, that’s enough.
I just dont think i can do it. I dont want to be relying on it, but i just…… idk im taking time away from my boy right now. And its jacked me up. Ive been doing so good while having him(even though he does it too) but now its harder than ever. I miss him. We havent done anything in what feels like forever, and now i just…. Im lost. Im so freaking lost. Not having my man to have intimacy with. Its not like we do it all the time or anything, but every once in a while would be nice ya know? And being separated now, im scared im gonna fall back to ALL my addictions.
Im just scared and lost and confused and feel alone. I shouldnt rely on him for my own happiness, but being intimate once in a while would be nice ya know?
Even if you can’t control yourself and do it you are not failing. It’s a long journey don’t be to hard on yourself. Can recommend books like Your brain on porn and easypeasy. You get some knowledge of the system that runs us. Easypeasy is free at https://easypeasymethod.org/
I’m also just on this journey. Nobody said it would easy, but it is worth the reward of finding yourself again. I learn a lot from what I read on this threat from the ones with more experience. I don’t think they mind when you lean here into it. Don’t be a stranger and vent if you’re in need.
Also will be picking this up on therapy. Is this something you have access to? You’re worth it.
There’s a saying that goes “fake it till you make it”. It’s kind of true in the sense that if you start to believe you can do something, you can do it.
Also goes with the saying “whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right”.
If you believe that you’ll never be able to beat this, you’re leading yourself down a path that probably won’t lead you to beating it.
If you say “maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s possible for me” and then you start to believe “hey this is looking pretty good. It’s pretty likely” and then you say "I am GOING to beat this. "
My current favorite self-affirmation, what I tell myself in the mirror every day right now, is
“You’re not perfect, you’re going to make mistakes, but I love you and we will beat this.”
I promise that once you start TRYING to think positively about your goals, you will reach them. LOVE yourself into quitting.
You’ve got this. You can do this. Don’t give up. Be the person you want so desperately to be. Believe in yourself. This is possible. You’ll get there eventually. Keep it up.
The desire for intimacy is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s one of the basic things that makes us human. Do you struggle with porn and masturbation or just one of the two?
I apply the 3 second rule: If look at an attractive female for more than 3 sec, I’m already lusting after her. So I keep a mental timer to help prevent me from looking more than those 3 seconds. I also try to humanize the woman. She’s someone’s daughter, wife, mother, sister, aunt, etc. I find that these tools are pretty effective. There are others that I use, but these two are the easiest.
Whats up guys.
Day 1 for me.
This time I really want to change my life. For real… I am so excited for this journey. I’m sick of looking for replacements for love.
I know porn and masturbation and random sex won’t fulfill my desire for a normal relationship with a girl.
I need to keep track on my progress otherwise I forget and relapse.
So yeah. Hit me up with some advice if you want to.
Nice nice. Almost getting there, day 5 for me. I’m keeping myself busy.
I don’t care what happens, I won’t go back to pmo. Unless I meet a cool girl that actually.cares about me, I’m rolling like this for a while.
I never needed to PMO because I was in a relationship with that department well sorted. Occasionally I dabbled in PMO but never liked that it took away from my desire towards my partner, so I never dabbled too much only during long periods of time apart. But still I decided to quit PMO for good. Worse thing now though is my relationship with my partner is not great and intimacy is just not there of late. It mostly coming from her side, she barely touches me nor wants me to touch her. So I’m finding now that having to go without real sex is making me consider falling back to PMO. I just want to know, how do you guys, you know, release the energy otherwise? Do you retain, or get if off on imagination only? Sorry for these questions, I am just interested in hearing some experienced perspectives.
Ps… I still want to remain faithful in my relationship until we can work through things but it will take a while.
That is a sign that you’re behind on your investment in the relationship and she’s not feeling comfortable because she senses that imbalance. It means you need to do some emotional inquiry and investment.
What have you learned about fostering and deepening enduring emotional intimacy in relationships? How do you show her your relationship matters to you? How do you show her she matters to you?
Physical intimacy is all surface. Without that emotional foundation, it cannot be maintained or developed. It erodes. (With the emotional foundation, the physical intimacy gains a depth and satisfaction it can’t get from anything else. It is phenomenal.)
I started looking at a gif website and didn’t realize it was actually a porn site. When I learned it was, I thought I could use the search filter and avoid the porn. Only took a few minutes for me to realize I was way over my head and swimming in really dangerous waters. I swallowed my pride and left the site. I think I’m ok, but it was extremely triggering and brought back a lot of urges I thought I’d long overcome.
Be careful brothers. When you hit a few milestones, maybe even several, you start getting comfortable. That’s not a bad thing!! Healing is healing in every way! But realize that you need to forever be on your guard. You need to always remember what you’re fighting for. I’m taking this as a learning experience, celebrating the victory of turning away when I did, and using the lesson to power me forwards.
Stay by the fire brothers, for the night is dark and full of terrors
