Checking in, day 1.
Spoke to a councillor over the phone today, was good. Feel like it helped a lot. Next session in two weeks. Didn’t discuss PMO but that’s fine it wasn’t a topic I wanted to discuss at this time. Grateful for one day, feeling better just overtired, dark circles, can’t sleep at night. Maybe too much caffeine.
I got about 3 hours of sleep last night, could not sleep, had no outlet. Finally got to sleep after reading the bible, the only thing that could calm me down. We got through, Day 5.
Checking in day 8. Cravings still just as strong. Been acting out more on food than usual probably to consolidate dopamine loss. Very counterproductive behaviour. Trying to stay strong in my abstinence regardless. In an active relationship so treating that as unrelated as it’s not the problematic area
Day 12. Checking in, proud of myself for 12 days. Feel better in myself. Still not sleeping. Had a few days of really bad food binges resulting in a night of being really sick. Had a good few days, been unconsciously fasting and eating a lot less and far better food… lost a bit of weight too which is good. Cravings still there but I seem to be capable of navigating them as the come. Only five weeks of uni for the year and I’m off, can’t wait although there’s alot to do between now and then. Trying not to fret about the oncoming workload. Feeling like space is opening in my life to explore ideas and thoughts. Perhaps that’s the accumulation of extra energy and time I was otherwise wasting. Either way it feels great and I’m happy I was brave enough to try again.
Keep up the good work! I’m on Day 18. Feel grateful. Grateful for my wife’s patience and love. I will battle my weakness to the end. If anything, out of appreciation and gratitude to my wife and god.
Day 14. Urges are there but manageable with enough will and determination. Made some poor eating choices today. Sleeping better. Feeling significantly better than I was a few weeks ago. Few like I have more energy and confidence even maybe, if only just.
after struggling with this for years, SLEEP IS EVERYTHING. It’s hard enough to fight this issue when your alert, let alone when your exhausted and your defenses are weak. Dopamine management is a critical thing too. I have to stay off social media/youtube/all internet just to give my brain a chance to function.
Day 3.
This os my first time writing in the community although I have tried the app some years ago. I just found this thread and I really needed this. Today was very hard but I’m managing… I never made it more than 10 days but I am very commited this time. Also hello to everyone out there fighting for freedom.
Day15. Exam on Tuesday. Placement the week after. Finish second year in five weeks. Can’t wait.
16 days. Trucking along. Talked to councillor yesterday… identified some habitual issues regarding eating. Trying to address that for a better sense of self. It’s an addiction in its own right that much I’m sure. Have identified four different addictions I cross addict between. Trying to acknowledge I need a program for each and every one
I’m working on 2 addictions right now, day 21 for the PMO (which i’ve struggled with for 20 years now). The other is gaming. That addiction i control, it’s more of me stopping the late night gaming. Working on the person i am on the inside. What people dont understand about fighting PMO addiction: the brain fog, lack of motivation, are REAL. You are at work just to be a functional person. I am always, always fighting my impulses. I’m just working on my systems in place to keep me focused. I have a dopamine addiction. I try to counter it with listening to audiobooks, just to keep myself offline and handing my brain over to random nonsense. 3 things: 1. Count my blessings every single day. 2. Keep a positive attitude about the future. 3. GET REST!
Checking in day 17. Feeling more cognisant of how daily habits stack quickly to add up over a period of time… enjoying a moment of heightened awareness in that regard. Have had extra energy lately. Pushed myself to do things I don’t usually do such as try learn some Spanish.
Checking in day 19. Slightly stressed with uni but getting results back and killing it with plenty of A+s. Got four weeks of solid intense uni to go and then I can breathe for a month and get stuck into some less stressful work
Fighting cravings. Can definitely feel that when I’m tired or emotionally down that’s when I start deteriorating, and I seem to be either one or both of those things relatively consistently. I’m maintaining reasons for why I want to stay “sober” and that’s helping because there’s that voice on my shoulder that is trying to occasionally justify acting out. Utilising this platform as a way of approaching this addiction as I really don’t have access to slog of tools and this has helped me navigate addictions in the past with relative effectiveness…
So i have alot to say. Just going to get some things off my chest and what i’m going to do going forward.
I had a setback friday. That setback probably started in reality on monday with too much dopamine throughout the week, not looking at anything but just not enough focus at work, too much youtube, espn, by friday i had no resolve, no will power. My wife thinks i’m triggered by my family, which there are parts of that that may be true, more on this soon.
For the first time in 3 years, i confessed to my wife. I had been keeping things close to the vest, not wanting my addiction to further destroy my marriage, so i kept my struggles to myself and mostly to family members/close friends in an effort to protect my family. By saturday afternoon took my family to dinner, and the guilt was making me sick, i wanted to puke. I kept it together until late that evening when my wife kept asking me why i was so somber all day, she finally asked me if i had any issues. Up until this point, i’ve been lying about my use. She hadn’t asked me in a couple of years and i told her everything was fine. Last year from October - May, i didn’t have any issues (easy peasy, this website being very helpful), but i slipped on my habits and from May - October i’ve probably had around 10 setbacks. But that’s not what’s still troubling me.
IN my confessions, i still have a problem fulling owning my issues, while i’m thankful to finally confess “something” half truth/flat out lies still put a dark cloud over me, and lack of integrity that’s plagued me most of my life. Fearing what others think of me, if they only knew how much i am ‘not’ what they think. She even said, it seems like this problem always holds us back. This was a horrible weekend and i did it to myself. We managed to have a somewhat normal sunday, but towards the end of the day, she’s like, "if this is the first time in 5 years you’ve really strugged, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.
That might be true if that was real. And it’s not real. That’s the problem. When you don’t tell the truth, when your not honest, you live in shame/guilt – WHICH KEEPS YOU AN ADDICT. It’s an embarrassing addiction to have to constantly admit you can’t break free from. I’ve had normal confessions to people over the years, and it’s just sad after all these years, I’m still in the same place. Exposed to hardcore stuff at age 10ish, 20 years of marriage, and I’m still struggling. I’m going back to what worked last year, my easy peasy method, combined with doing some work internally with the man I’ve been. I want to be a man of integrity, but it’s only words until I actually put some work in to fix the lier I presently am.
One thing also: I am a selfish, self absorbed man. So yea, i have some work to do.
Check in first week.
Its been a nice week and I feel a little tired but its all worth it looking back at the times I endured the urges to look. Hope you all are having a great day.
Really stressed with uni, had a lecturer have a good at me today it was really demoralising because I was just trying to get help and being myself. Exam tomorrow, really worried I’ve approached the preparation wrong. Very stressed. Day 20
Somehow made it through the worst cravings yet last night, did not think I was going to. Was negotiating failure with myself for hours. Was a bit depressed about uni and then I ate a lot of sugary carbs and I feel like that really set the scene for a relapse to happen as well as being tired and alone.
Day 21. Really struggling.
Finished exam. Three weeks of placement and I’m free
Welcome to the group! Stepping out of the dark and taking accountability is the first step to healing