I’m tired of failing at this. If it was only at home I wouldn’t judge myself so much but at times I feel so much pressure from work that I feel compelled to go “to the bathroom” to rub one out and release any tension. I know it’s wrong and can lead to legit consequences but it’s hard to stop when it’s a compulsion that just overwhelms you. It makes me hate myself, judge myself, shame myself. I want to change and get better at this but it is far from easy. All I can think about it sex, Beautiful people and that release. My wife jokes with me about it but she does not know how deep of a struggle it actually is(in relation to it going on there). I need to find a way to stay focused and on track so I don’t repeat this anymore but It’s just so easy to loose track or focus and then the next thing I know I’m in the middle of the act and I can’t feel compelled to stop because I am already on the way. I will continue to try and I will continue to reset my counter but I feel so……. Defeated.
Don’t compare yourself to others. No one is better than you. No one is worse than you. (And neither are you better or worse than anyone else.)
The only thing that matters is you moving toward that goal you have set, one step at a time. You matter, and the only person who can really judge your growth is you. You reach out to others for input and you seek groups and you learn about life, but at the end of the day it’s you who makes the choices and you who lives the life, and the only person who knows if you’ve moved forward or not is you (and that is only judged relative to where you were, not to other people).
I too struggled with masturbation. For yeeeeears. It got to points I felt totally helpless and powerless and lost. Porn and masturbation and regret occupied huge amounts of my time. (Using and regretting, in a cycle that repeats and repeats: that’s addiction right there.)
Things that helped me turn it around:
I joined a group at a sex addiction recovery clinic in my city. I got to a point before where I realized I couldn’t do this on my own and I wanted to get better more than I wanted anything else. I got help, group work and psychological counselling.
I joined Talking Sober and I visit here regularly (virtually every day). I read, I comment; if I am struggling I get it out of my head, just to have it out there and get support (I use this thread Checking in daily to maintain focus #41).
I spoke with my doctor and asked her for a referral for mental health assessment. I have A) ADHD, and B) mild depression. I take medication and attend counselling and/or coaching for both these things. (A lot of the counselling overlaps across my recovery groups, my personal recovery coach, and my relationship counselling with my wife.) The depression medication in particular has been a game changer. It has led to the longest sustained period of sobriety I’ve ever had (more than three months and going strong), and has been a foundation for an exciting new professional direction I will be starting soon.
I got relationship counselling with my wife. We’ve been going off and on for several years and we’ve had good and so-so therapists. We have a really good one right now who has coached us on communication and is building our skills and getting us to practice. I am not kidding when I say it saved my marriage. And when you feel seen and understood in the most important relationship of your life, and when you’re investing in it (mutually) and practicing empathy and validation with each other, the weight of life becomes much more manageable: it is shared, both partners supporting the other.
I asked my wife to attend a “partners of sex addicts in recovery” group (this one was at the clinic I attended, but there are others: Resources for our recovery - #64 by NealRecoveryCA). I insisted - or at least, strongly indicated it was important to me and that I deeply deeply wanted her to go because it would mean a lot to me, and it would help me. At that group she gained understanding and perspective and insight that she never would have had otherwise.
You need to make a choice:
What do you want?
Do you want to be free from these chains of masturbation? You can be. But you have to want it more than anything else, and you have to stick with it and keep searching and searching until you find your reason, your path, and you have to realize that all the other stuff in your life - your marriage, your career, your self-respect, your family & friendships - depends on you being stable and grounded (sober). And as long as that slippery slope to masturbation is still pulling you in, you are not stable and grounded.
I want to change and I will work to make that happen. I just need to keep myself driven and keep pushing forward and seek help when it is most needed. I will do my best to not beat myself up, compare myself to others or judge too harshly. I will continue to work towards a better future for myself where I not longer continue to feel guilt and shame. I appreciate the advice and will take it seriously.
I know this is really a tight series of questions but I’m trying to get you to think deeply about what you want here. It’s worth the effort to peel back the layers of this onion
Hey pal, welcome here and good to see you trying. @Matt is hitting the nail on the head here and painfully driving home his point, that’s gotta be uncomfortable but he’s absolutely right: you need to get serious about concrete, practicable, palpable actions you are taking. Be done with blanket statements and commit to your own journey.
No one questions your desire to change. But as they say: A promise without action is manipulation. And: Nothing changes if nothing changes. So. You got a few excellent examples from Matt of what he did. What will you do?
A good first step would be to come clean to your wife the way you did here. Or pick a close friend or join a group and be honest there. Make it real. Show yourself. You’re exactly as sick as your secrets, pal. (Same as any other addict, myself included)
Some tough love here this morning. Be sure the love is there. I’m partner to an SA. I’ve seen the struggle and been part of it. Without love and understanding, I’d not bother to reply here.
Hold yourself accountable and start taking some suggestions. Looking forward to read from you again.
Day one here you go!
