Hi everybody. I’m Joshua, an 18 year old senior soon to be graduated from High School. I have a very loving girlfriend. She really is the best, I truly believe there’s no one better in any way.
This porn addiction has been affecting me for years. Before it was getting better, for me at least. I’ve been trying to stop a day at a time but lately it’s gotten worse and more intense.
Does anyone have any words of encouragement? I know last time I posted and got a few responses it really did help. Lately I haven’t been able to go even a day without masturbating. Please, if you can of course, send words of encouragement. Thank you.
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Hey Joshua, it can get better but it’s going to take hard work on your part. Look for groups like SLAA, SAA, SA in your area or online, @Matt has a great list of resources that with dedication from you can make a huge difference in your struggle with porn.
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Hi Josh, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Matt and I used porn (masturbation to porn) for nearly 20 years. It became a serious problem because I realized - much later, after I started my recovery - that it was an unhelpful band-aid, hollow substitute for healthy relationships (with myself & my own life & self, and with the woman who is now my wife).
Porn - like drugs (including alcohol) - is a hyper-stimulus (a significant sensation modifier), through which we “escape” our lives for a short time. (We “escape” into the thrill of the search, the fantasy, the illusion; it’s distracting, numbing, captivating.) However - like drugs - it eventually, inevitably, drops us back into life, demoralized and ashamed. For you and me, it is something we need to cut out of our lives.
You’re doing a helpful thing nipping this in the bud while you are still young. For me at least, porn & the way it trained me to neglect interpersonal intimacy and healthy partnered pleasure (and relationship nurturing) - that had a significant negative impact on my relationship with my wife (emotionally and sexually). One of the reasons I entered recovery was because I was sick and tired of being half-present, half-absent. I wanted to be the husband she deserves.
There is significant support for people in recovery from porn, masturbation, and sex addiction. If you search up “Patrick Carnes” online you will find many of his books (they focus on sex addiction but many of the core concepts are the same; we used Facing the Shadow in my recovery group at the sex addiction clinic); you can also search “porn anonymous” and there are some online support clinics.
Neal made a post last year with some good resources:
Don’t ever give up searching for a safe, sober, healthy relationship with yourself and the other important people in your life. It takes attention every day (just the same way healthy eating and brushing your teeth - both things we do every day to keep ourselves healthy).
Don’t let shame hold you back. If you choose to attend a meeting, take pride in that. You don’t have to publicize it to people who don’t know you but you do not need to stay away from meetings because you’re worried people might judge you (or you might judge yourself). I felt waves of relief after attending my first meeting in 2019. I was finally not alone. There were other men struggling with this too.
(Edit: feel free to attend any recovery meeting you think will help. For example, in my early recovery I used to attend SMART Recovery meetings on my lunch break, just to get that support & not feel alone. There were attendees there who had a wide range of addictions; they listened to me, empathized, and the connection & support helped me get through the day.)
You’re a good person Josh and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.
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Hey Josh. Wow it sure is a privilege to get to know some of your story and struggles. I am right there with you. I’m currently 33, but started my recovery at 21. Got married when I was 22 and am still married to the same amazing woman. I used to watch porn and masturbate on a daily basis so I know what you mean. In fact, I just had to repent yesterday for some stuff. The fight is continuous and am honored to share in this fight with you. In direct answer to your question and what has successfully help me reduce my porn and masturbation activity by over 95% compared to what I was doing at 20 years old, try Celebrate Recovery. Google it’s name and go to their website when you are desperate and need a surefire simple solution. God bless you my friend.
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One thing that has helped me a lot in my relationship has been to come clean to my significant other - once she knew what I was struggling with and that I wanted to be better and to be the partner she deserved in our relationship, I found that not only did we grow closer but my urges to act out diminished and I felt accepted and loved as she learned to forgive and move forward with me.
It was a hard, tear filled conversation but once I came clean to her I felt like this was an addiction that I could start to manage and resist, and things have gotten better since.
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Thank you for your post Matt. I just read it twice. I’m sure myself and many others will massively benefit from your insight.
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I’m glad it helped, Ian! Getting sober and staying grounded is a process, and I’m happy to help in any way I can. This community (and other communities, like my sobriety group in my city) has been helpful to me in so many ways, and I think when we’re here for each other, we all benefit 
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Thanks Matt. Yes the community side of this is something I may have neglected. I have had this problem for over 20 years, only in the most recent 4 years have I been actively working at recovery. I’m heartened as I am making some real progress, but I can’t help thinking that regular group work could make the difference and help me take much bigger steps, one day at a time, of course.
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Absolutely 
In my case I joined a sex addiction recovery clinic in my city. I chose a clinic because the groups were facilitated by a psychologist, and because it would allow me to take private counselling sessions synchronized with my group work, at the same clinic. (I had taken psychological counselling before but I found different psychologists had different opinions on masturbation and porn, so their counselling varied widely. I wanted a place with a consistent perspective, and I had it at this clinic.) It did cost some money, but I think the investment was worth it.
Neal’s post (I linked it above) has lots of relevant groups, all of which are free, and it’s a good place to start. For me, joining a group was the moment I no longer felt alone, and it was the start of an opening-up process and a boundary-building process that is keeping me going today.
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