Hi Josh, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Matt and I used porn (masturbation to porn) for nearly 20 years. It became a serious problem because I realized - much later, after I started my recovery - that it was an unhelpful band-aid, hollow substitute for healthy relationships (with myself & my own life & self, and with the woman who is now my wife).
Porn - like drugs (including alcohol) - is a hyper-stimulus (a significant sensation modifier), through which we “escape” our lives for a short time. (We “escape” into the thrill of the search, the fantasy, the illusion; it’s distracting, numbing, captivating.) However - like drugs - it eventually, inevitably, drops us back into life, demoralized and ashamed. For you and me, it is something we need to cut out of our lives.
You’re doing a helpful thing nipping this in the bud while you are still young. For me at least, porn & the way it trained me to neglect interpersonal intimacy and healthy partnered pleasure (and relationship nurturing) - that had a significant negative impact on my relationship with my wife (emotionally and sexually). One of the reasons I entered recovery was because I was sick and tired of being half-present, half-absent. I wanted to be the husband she deserves.
There is significant support for people in recovery from porn, masturbation, and sex addiction. If you search up “Patrick Carnes” online you will find many of his books (they focus on sex addiction but many of the core concepts are the same; we used Facing the Shadow in my recovery group at the sex addiction clinic); you can also search “porn anonymous” and there are some online support clinics.
Neal made a post last year with some good resources:
Don’t ever give up searching for a safe, sober, healthy relationship with yourself and the other important people in your life. It takes attention every day (just the same way healthy eating and brushing your teeth - both things we do every day to keep ourselves healthy).
Don’t let shame hold you back. If you choose to attend a meeting, take pride in that. You don’t have to publicize it to people who don’t know you but you do not need to stay away from meetings because you’re worried people might judge you (or you might judge yourself). I felt waves of relief after attending my first meeting in 2019. I was finally not alone. There were other men struggling with this too.
(Edit: feel free to attend any recovery meeting you think will help. For example, in my early recovery I used to attend SMART Recovery meetings on my lunch break, just to get that support & not feel alone. There were attendees there who had a wide range of addictions; they listened to me, empathized, and the connection & support helped me get through the day.)
You’re a good person Josh and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.