Welcome to the forum, Beck! Almost every alkie I’ve known, myself included, has a deep understanding of the self-loathing and helplessness that comes with a drinking career. So you are among friends here, we get it.
I use my willpower and control today to do two things. I take positive action every day to grow my sobriety. And I do not take the first drink of the day. My job is the same today as it was on day 1 - get to bed sober tonight, by whatever means necessary.
@TigerMatriarch is right - we have a choice, and deciding not to choose is also a choice. I will send you blessings to make the hard choice, the right choice, the choice to break your chains and be free.
Here’s a couple of threads that I would have profited from if Talking Sober was available to me in early sobriety.