Hello…
Just gonna rip off the bandaid
I’m a pretty horrendous drunk. Sometimes I’m not bad but normally I do or say something embarrasing. Especially recently. I either go on a bad rant can barely keep a conversation or pass out to the point that an earthquake wouldn’t wake me up. Last night, my friend (whom I thought we drank okay together) admitted she checked on me to make sure I was still breathing. The night before, i had some beers, passed out and my boyfriend said I spoke so randomly in my sleep to the point that he thought I might have been conscious, but then said he could’ve thrown me to the floor and I wouldn’t have woken up.
Two weekends ago, I got upset and hurt when my boyfriend again (whose sober and has been for years) said I’m “just someone who likes to drink”. He said this to my best friend and put it in a way like I was just sort of helpless. My best friend has quit drinking before too and has recently hinted I should probably quit again.
I’ve been a bad drinker for ten years or so, getting kicked out of bars, yelling or instigating fights, driving drunk, being kicked out of my house, testing the strength and patience of my loved ones to the point I’ve been dumped over my drinking and even THAT hasn’t been enough.
My boyfriend doesn’t drink, as hes a bad drunk also but he quit years ago and instead of following his example, I’ve continued to embarrass myself over and over again. I’m beyond sick of myself and want to change but have so little will power and control, I worry I’ll become one of those toothless, slurring sacks of shit that cant take care of myself and dies young.
Anyways, I’m almost 30 and hate my life. Thanks for reading.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You should be grateful your best friend & boyfriend are examples to you to stop drinking. Some of us aren’t so lucky and have to take this journey alone or with ppl who can’t relate to our alcohol addiction. You also acknowledged something that indicates you want change. Your boyfriend telling your best friend about you while your drunk made you feel a way. That means you know the truth hurts bc no one gets offended by lies bc you know who you are. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Everyone’s journey is different. Take one day at a time. If you have this perspective that you hate life & everything is horrible, that is exactly how your life is going to be. Speak life into your life. It all starts with you. No one can give you that fulfillment & change your life except you. Healing is painful but staying in the pain is even worse. You got this! Believe in yourself! Love yourself! & keep pushing forward!
thank you so much… I didnt honestly know how much until now that I needed to hear that. I just felt like screaming into the void I was so mad at everything. I want to feel like I have control of my life but I’ll be honest I feel like my brain goes on auto pilot half the time and I lose all say in what I do. My addictions have so much power over me right now in my life and it scares me. Writing this out it sounds like an excuse but I realize at the very minimum that I need help…
Welcome Beck I encourage you to separate out what others say and do from how you feel about yourself at your core.
You do not have to feel this way but you must want and commit to a big change. Both roads before you are hard. The road you are on is very painful and it goes to the destruction on your health and relationships. The sober road is also hard and painful as you must confront your inner demons but it goes to a better destination, healthy mind, body and happier relationships. Only you can choose your road and only you can travel it.
Coming here and speaking your truth (as it is now, of course) is a power move. You didn’t have to do that. I hear a lot of strength between the lines of what you’ve said and I know you have it within you to make a change in your life. Good on you for coming here to share. Now you get to decide what your life looks like moving forward. Get on with living!
Welcome to the forum, Beck! Almost every alkie I’ve known, myself included, has a deep understanding of the self-loathing and helplessness that comes with a drinking career. So you are among friends here, we get it.
I use my willpower and control today to do two things. I take positive action every day to grow my sobriety. And I do not take the first drink of the day. My job is the same today as it was on day 1 - get to bed sober tonight, by whatever means necessary.
@TigerMatriarch is right - we have a choice, and deciding not to choose is also a choice. I will send you blessings to make the hard choice, the right choice, the choice to break your chains and be free.
Here’s a couple of threads that I would have profited from if Talking Sober was available to me in early sobriety.
Sounds like u are at a turning point and have the will. Now time to get practical. Have u tried quitting before? My first attempt at quitting I used Annie Grace’s alcohol experiment, an online free course of videos and reflections.
Welcome Beck! So glad you found us.
Consider bookmarking your post above and go back and read it when you’re feeling weak and vulnerable. This forum and AA have been my saving grace in sobriety. Find what works for you and stick with it.
I can relate to this so much. I relapsed this weekend and when I look back at my behaviour I cringe. It makes me depressed to think about how I act when I am drunk.
Best thing for people like us is to remain completely sober, eventually I believe we can be happier.
We definitely can. I drank at everything in my life for decades…both the good stuff…let’s celebrate!..and the challenging stuff…let’s drown our sorrows. In looking back over my life, so much of it was spent in a haze of hangovers, anxiety, toxic behavior, ignorance, depression, self hatred. I didn’t know that there actually was a way to LOVE and CARE for my self. I truly didn’t. I thought that pain was all that life offered. I was very wrong.
Sobriety can add so much to our lives. Not just the release of no more hangovers (don’t get me wrong, that is stupendous!!), but it can lift that veil that alcohol brings to our life…it’s like that scene in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy lands in Oz and poof…it goes from black and white to technicolor…sobriety does that and so much more. Truly there is no feeling like the feeling of self confidence, self esteem and pride we feel at accomplishing hard things and making huge changes in our life.
It is NEVER too late to change the road you are on and it is worth it, YOU are worth it.
thank you so much… I didnt honestly know how much until now that I needed to hear that. I just felt like screaming into the void I was so mad at everything. I want to feel like I have control of my life but I’ll be honest I feel like my brain goes on auto pilot half the time and I lose all say in what I do. My addictions have so much power over me right now in my life and it scares me. Writing this out it sounds like an excuse but I realize at the very minimum that I need help…
I encourage you to separate out what others say and do from how you feel about yourself at your core.