I want to start off by saying I am not going to harm myself in any way. I just want to. But I have to get this off my chest. I know my family will never see this, but I need to put this out there.
Don’t even fucking pretend like you’ll miss me. You’ll show up at my funeral and convince yourself you’re grief-stricken. Everyone will be there for you; the very person who contributed to this. There will be no me to pour your pity onto. You will get what you finally want. You will be the victim. You will be the one everyone flocks to. You will make your identity as someone who has suffered a great loss. Not only is there nothing left to lose, you never cared enough to feel any sense of loss. Maybe you’ll look back on your actions and feel guilt. I don’t care. I do not forgive you. I never will. There was every reason to feel guilty before my demise. You had every single sign in the universe telling you that you were in the wrong, but you didn’t listen. You never listened to anything or anyone unless it benefitted you in the end. Even your pathetic little attempts at undoing things were for your benefit. You did them so that when I’d go running and begging for help, you could act baffled and give a list of ways you tried to make things right, but I just wouldn’t move on. Forgive me, dear, for not wanting to trust again. One day, I will be gone. You will no longer have me to distract you or someone to lay low and let you do whatever you wanted. You might even look back and see exactly where you went wrong. But you can’t change the past. You can’t ask me to move on when you have ruined any sense of worth I could’ve possibly had. You cannot undo the 20 years of fucking hell you have put me through. None of you can. Neither of us can go back. I will not move on. I’m not holding a grudge, I’m protecting myself from people like you. I will not be around to carry the weight of what you have done. It was never mine to carry in the first place. I wanted to be the bigger person. I wanted to take care of you despite what you did. I wanted to protect others from you. All I did was enable you. But when I am dead and gone I hope that weight comes crashing down onto your shoulders as if a semi-truck has fallen from the sky. You can never lose that weight. You won’t be able to pass it on to me again. It will be there for the rest of your miserable existence. I will finally be at rest.
Thank you for sharing this. You’re sure you’re ok? Because this letter is worrisome to me. it rings of out l-of -control feelings.
I had 20 years of living in hell too. I too, could not get out. But eventually I did. And you will too. You will. And you’ll heal. It’s hard, but it does get better.
When I found out that the definition of forgiveness was not saying that what the other person did was okay and that you are giving them a pass, but rather forgiveness is that you no longer let what happened in the past control you, that saying you forgive someone becomes something you might be able to do. That’s something I have a huge problem with is not letting my past continue to control me today.
Again, thank you for sharing. This is a really important letter.
Well, you’re in school, so working towards a degree/certificate for a job? You are interviewing soon too, right? Start today talking to yourself like you already have the job. It might sound hokey, but it works.
What can I do for you? Anyway I can help? (except send you a million dollars so you can hop a plane tonight :D!)
I’m sorry that you’ve had similar experiences with people. I am always terrified of being hateful and angry. But there’s no room for anymore excuses with some people. I hope that you’re able to move past those feelings in a more constructive way than I have.
I have never put my issues with my past into words I just buried them inside and used drugs to numb myself and not think about them and I know that was definitely not healthy
Never too late to deal with them properly. Putting them into words helps me, but I have to be under extreme distress to actually write anything that makes sense. Normally I try to write and I just can’t get my thoughts to make sense. I used to find songs or poems I liked and I’d just copy them down. It helped me get some of those feelings out without having to come up with words of my own to describe them. If you want to get something out into words, that might help.
Despite whatever you’ve done in the past, you’re here now. Which I hope means you’re trying to be better and trying to be sober. As long as you are trying, you are doing the right thing.
That’s deep and I can relate, I am from a family of narcissistic fucks, my father being the king of them my existence did not matter unless it benefited them,
Back in November I improved the relationship with my Kids mom, well my father was calling her for nothing more than to bitch about me, how apparently there’s nothing wrong with me I’m just lazy,
Knowing that he won’t listen to a word anyone else will say I fired off a letter and told him exactly how I felt, I put it tactful instead of my original fuck off and die letter. And put it out there. The last time I spoke to my mother was around thanksgiving she was in the hospital, and well that was the last we spoke, part of me feels kinda shitty about not having a relationship with my family, but the other part feels relieved I talk to my sisters on the regular. And my sister told me about a month ago she saw my father at the grocery store and mind you they haven’t spoken in years, not how are you, how are things he walked up to her and asked her to tell him he was a good father. It’s fucked up, that we are related to fucked ip people
They say family is blood, bullshit. I have people who where perfect strangers at one point that I have more trust in then my own family,
Fuck the naysayers, fuck the haters, prove them wrong by being a better version of you.
I hope you are okay. I relate to what your going through too I’m going through a similar situation with someone I really care about as well. I know times can get rough and hopefully this helps you.
I also came from a fuct up family. I remember feeling like suicide was the only was the only way out. I remember morbid fantasies about how their lives would be ruined if I did it.
It was a huge factor in me discovering I could escape all the feeling with alcohol and other drugs.
Its haunted me most of my adult life. I’m 54 now, and I’ve become proud to survive and thrive regardless of all that shit. It still haunts me at times. I don’t sit in it like I used to.
I also have had some fuck off and die letters. I’m glad that you were able to at least demonstrate some of those feelings to your father. I really want to ditch my family but I’m in a position where I can’t at the moment. I also feel guilty even debating it. But I hope that one day my family is able to look at me and see that they didn’t break me no matter how hard they tried
I used to have similar fantasies. I still do occasionally. But then I realized that no matter how gruesome or life ruining my suicide was, I’m not sure it would impact them the way I imagined. If they treate the way they do now, I can’t imagine them being ruined by my suicide. I think they would enjoy me being gone. So now I try to have the mindset that I will live out of spite and eventually become a far better person than they could ever be
I’m glad I wasn’t successful at suicide. It wouldn’t have changed anything except for me missing out on life.
My family stayed as toxic as ever. I quit trying to make anything better. I don’t talk to any of them anymore. Every time I have allowed then into my life. I get hurt.
There are some challenges with that. Family is a common topic for small talk. Dating, or working people often ask about family. It’s awkward.
I’m getting older so it’s easy to say my parents passed away, and end the conversation quickly. No follow up questions.
Having family is so normal for almost everyone else.
I don’t think there’s much anyone can do to help. If I think of something I’ll let you know though. Thank you 
