Rant that's probably concerning but I promise I'll be fine

TW for mentions of suicide

first off I’m doing everything I can. I’ll be fine. I’m on meds. I’m in therapy. im doing everything I’m told. i don’t want to be told I need meds or therapy or a psych ward. i know what I need.

i keep hearing over and over that this will get better it I just give it time. that if I just give myself enough patience and grace I will somehow be cured. i don’t get why no one understands I can’t be fixed. if you crush a vase into a fine powder it has no hope of being fixed. you can buy or make a new one but it will never be the same. I will never be the same. I feel like I’ll never be the person I once was, but who am I even talking about? i can’t remember anything but this misery. there is nothing for me here. that’s not to say I want to die, but why am I here? I’m not capable of being a better person. i know it so deep within my bones that writing it out like this is making me nauseous. the realization that I am a hopeless individual. there’s really nothing like it. you cannot build up what was never there. You cannot help someone who doesn’t believe that they can he helped. i just want to rest. dying isn’t even enough for me. i need to slowly kill myself. drink myself to death. starve myself. slowly rot away. i deserve nothing less. i know I would never do that long enough to kill myself. i might do it but not to do the point of death. i don’t have the will to self destruct entirely. but I don’t have the will to save myself either. eternal limbo. perhaps that is what is. I deserve. to be surrounded by hate for 90+ years until I vanish into absolute nothingness. to fight forever with no goals ever met. always just shy of hope. never feeling relief. never knowing when I’ve truly had enough all while screaming to the world that I’m done. never consistent. all I want is something final. good. bad. anything. something. nothing. I’m happy with any conclusion I get.


You do have the capability to desire happiness for yourself if you so choose…


it really doesn’t feel like that. I’ve tried. i don’t know how to try harder

What do you want from life?

to have a stable and reasonably happy life. to be proud of who I am.

Well you just listed some great goals for yourself. Are you working towards them?

I have a job that I love but I’m worried that if my mental health continues to decline I’m not going to be able to hold it. I’m trying to move out of my toxic household but nobody has ever taught me how to take care of myself I don’t even know how to cook an egg. I don’t know how to manage my money at all. I’m barely functioning I don’t know how to move forward with goals for the future when I’m barely getting through the present

Well on the financial part…Can you start to save at least 10% of your income in a bank account?

I’m trying to save more than that really but I don’t know I always start off with that put away and then it gets blown on something I don’t really need. my parents always had control of my money so I never got to buy anything for myself and now that I have my own money and they can’t get to it I’m just going crazy with it

Financial security will make you happier in the long run than material possessions…

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Hello. I have felt the exact same as you describe for many years when I was deeply depressed. Down to the thought that the solution would be to “somehow get cured”, since no one could be expected to have to live with a mind like mine, right? I always knew I had to put the work in for that to happen but like you I wasnt able to change it seemed. Self loathing queens, you and I. For a very long time I was like that. Including through one entire round of two years of therapy. And for reasons, ofc, no one is like that by accident.
Until I understood that change had to come from me or it would not come. No matter what your mental illness it, it won’t be taken away. You will have to do your utmost to understand yourself and learn to live with, not against yourself. No one will do it for you. Neither meds. That’s just that. There’s is no cure in the medical sense.

You will never be the person you once were because none of us will. life does not go backwards. You’ll change into sth new. You’ll still be you, but you’ll evolve.
However. I also hear, equally strong as your self hate, that desire to cling onto it in your posts. You’re so comfortable in your position of suffering and you defend it tooth and nail. That too used to be me to an extend. You’ve made your suffering your identity, the thing that sets you apart from everyone in the most extreme and irredeemable way. I used to feel that way too.
You have to want to change. In my experience, when things get bad enough, the desire to change gets stronger than the desire to stay the same. I hope this will be true for you.

Every situation we create for ourselves, no matter how uncomfortable, is a compromise, a bargain. We always get sth out of it, some payback. So are you in that position of suffering and luxurious self hate you’re entertaining. So did I when I was like that. That was hard to see when I had to face up to it. So my theory is, you’re still getting too much out of it currently. The point in time will come where that changes, hopefully for you, I guess when you get older and time gets more pressing. I wish that for you. Very much. I know you’re hurting. I feel for you.

One piece of advice I can give: I don’t know what kind of therapy you are doing. But if it’s very habit based like CBT or DBT it might not get deep enough, you might need sth more explorative where you have to face your own feelings, unconscious believes and your own bs. Like traditional talking therapy, psychoanalysis for example.

All the best.


Wow that was a good reply…


you’re absolutely right. I’m extremely comfortable like this as miserable as I am. I am absolutely terrified of what’s different even if it’s better. I don’t know who I am if I’m not miserable. currently I’m in more of a traditional talk therapy situation. I struggle with being honest with her and I’m only seeing her everything weeks because she thinks that I’m doing good. and I feel like half the time when I start talking to her I forget how miserable I am and I just start going off that hey these are the good things but I never talk about what’s bad. I see my therapist in person for the first time in a while on Wednesday so I’m going to try to talk to her. I want to show her what I wrote because that is what I am most honest but I’m scared that she’s going to think I need to be hospitalized and I can’t do that again. I was hospitalized once as a teenager and it was miserable and I can’t afford it and I can’t afford the time off work either. I’m very careful what I say to her because I’m so scared of being hospitalized


an amazing reply

@SoberGuyUSA thank you Chris. It takes one to know one. The only good advice I can ever give is when I see myself in the person I’m talking to and well, Sadmemequeen is very privileged in that way :grin:
@SadMemeQueen I’m glad you can relate. I’m glad you’re in a traditional talking therapy setting.

This is the first thing this absolutely has to change if you’re serious about wanting to change yourself. I don’t care why you’re not being honest, tbh that fixation with being hospitalised I had that too, it used to be my main fear. Never even happened to me. But my mind was so out of line, so outrageously hurting and inhospitable that I just knew: if anyone knew what was going on in there, I’d be sent to an asylum.
Guess what, your therapist will deal with it. It’s her job to. You don’t need to be hospitalised for depression if you’re able to maintain a stable life which you are, not in a real threat to kill yourself, and work on yourself in therapy which you will hopefully start doing from Wednesday. But without honesty between you and her, you might aswell be getting a pedicure once a week. It cannot bring about any change if you’re not working on your actual thoughts and feelings. So please, start there.
In my therapy, the rule is: you talk about what’s on your mind, no filter. No hold backs. If that is “I’m worried you’ll think I’m crazy/disgusting/sick/ugly” then that is what gets talked about.

I would try and see what your mind does and what you do more as agency rather than accidental or circumstancial. Yes, I believe you forget to tell her the bad stuff. But it’s a functional forgetting. Some part of you, not a conscious part as long as you don’t make it conscious, is doing the forgetting. For reasons. For example, to keep your misery all to yourself so you can stay stuck in it.
I’m not here to name your unconscious reasons, that is just one example. It’s your job to explore your unconscious reasons by talking honestly to your therapist. Preferably more than once a week. Since you got it bad.

Yes, you can change. If I could, you can.


I can absolutely remember feeling this terror and how I had to take the leap not believing anything would be there. I didnt have this app or anyone. You got us here telling you: there’s is something here. You can safely let go and make the jump.


I’ve debated texting my therapist things I should talk about as they come up. like texting her hey I have this rant I want to show you when I see you next. so I can’t back out of it


If that would help you to start with, I personally would say: why not. My therapist for example would not allow that. Knowing what the process must be, I am expected to bring that effort myself without additional aides like accountability texts. This ensures that patients are willing to do what is their side of things so therapy can be fruitful. Just sharing this to give you this perspective.

that would make sense. I’ve been seeing her for so long but I really know very little about how things go because I’ve hidden so much. I can see her being open to it but she’d definitely prefer of I brought it up

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Wednesday is very soon. It’s already here where I am. :slight_smile: I really wish that you will give this honesty thing a chance. Without it, nothing will come of it. Why not bring a printout of this thread and discuss. To get an in.

Hopefully you’ll get some traction going and have sth positive to report here afterwards. I would like that very much. I’m rooting for you.

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