Okay I honestly don’t even know how to start this but here it goes! I’m scared, afraid, terrified and overwhelmed with the news I got today. First of all after my ex fiancé shooting himself at the end of June in 2020, I haven’t spoken or seen anyone in his family and I’ve been friends with his cousins since the 6th grade. My sister invited me to her wedding when I got clean after my dad passed in October and I was so excited for the invitation and for my mother paying for me to fly to Mexico to be there. And today I found out that one of the groomsmen in the wedding is a direct cousin of my ex fiancé, my sisters fiancé is friends with him and has been for a very long time, as have my sister and myself. However, I haven’t seen or spoken to him since my fiancé shot himself. And he tends to and usually always is a very confrontational and aggressive drunk. I’m afraid he will hit me, attack me emotionally as well as blame me for my ex committing suicide. And my biggest worry is him making a scene when it’s all about my sister and her fiancé not about anything else. In all things going on my sister doesn’t have our dad to walk her down the isle and she gave me the honor of being a bridesmaid since I’ve been sober and gotten my act together but if he brings up things that hurt me and break my heart by bringing up the suicide and then me losing my father and being there for my sister when she didn’t give me the honor of even being at the wedding before and now being a bridesmaid…it makes me burst into tears because I tend to be the strong one who doesn’t cry and I keep my head up and make sure everyone and everything is okay. But I also feel like I could possibly say fuck it and numb the pain of all those loses and all the hate from him if he lashes out at me not just at the wedding but any time during our 8 day trip to Mexico! I’m just at a loss at the moment I’m so overwhelmed with everything I don’t even know what to think!
Wow. There’s a lot to unpack there. I’m so sorry you have so much to deal with for what’s supposed to be a joyous occasion.
Do you really think he would get physical, at a wedding? But yes, the fuck it route is the one I would take. Sticks and stones.
That is a lot to unpack! First off I am so sorry for both of your losses. I don’t know the ‘correct’ advise for this, but I can give you mine and you can take it or leave it as you please.
If it were me, I would make my sole focus my sister. If he is around, be cordial with him. Once he starts drinking, sense that is when you are most nervous about, by then, the wedding part will be over, the pictures will be done… just try to keep your space from him and put your mind at ease by continuing to focus on your sister, any other family and friends you may have there. Try to put that worry and fear out of your mind as much as possible, and live in the happy moment with your sister.
I know that’s easier said then some of course, but it is worth kinda meditating on and really focusing on you, and what you can control. You can’t control him, but you can control your actions and thoughts.
I hope that once there you will have a wonderful time and that your sisters day is everything you want it to be for her!
Wow - Jessie that is so much. I can hear the long, heart-wrenching emotional journey you’ve been through. You’ve come so far, and you’re scared: you’re scared of losing the place you’ve re-gained at family events, the space you’ve re-entered as a member of the family. Also you’re probably scared of addiction itself: that “addict voice” that sneaks in and says, ‘c’mon, just a little will take the edge off, you deserve it, it will be fine’. We all have that voice. Sneaky f*cker.
Maybe… you cry now. I think in addiction we bury ourselves, we run from our emotions, we numb them. We do that for so long that we forget (or we never learn) that emotions are actually signposts, guides, indicators - we forget that our emotions are essential tools for living life safely, and moving forward, constructively. It’s ok to cry, and it’s ok to feel scared and sad. Crying means we need sympathy and support - and those are normal human feelings and needs, and we ask for them. (Crying is like a universal human language: you know when someone is crying they need sympathy and support. You’re allowed to need sympathy and support. All humans do. Be open to that - you have to, to live.)
It’s also essential to ask for help. It’s good that you came here. Maybe while you’re in Mexico you can visit a local AA meeting? Might sound crazy but AA is worldwide and wherever you go, you can find people who understand. Doesn’t matter if the meeting’s in Spanish. They’ll understand that you’re looking for help to get you through.
Another option is to spend time at online meetings: Online meeting resources You can find one just about any time of day. It’ll help keep you grounded so you don’t feel alone. It’s also useful for theirs times when events or activities are happening where you don’t feel comfortable.
And finally, if it comes down to it, you don’t have to go. Your sister loves you and wants you to be safe. If you think you’re at risk and you believe that going to the wedding might put you at risk (for your safety, physical or emotional, from this guy; or of relapsing), then explain that to her and thank her for the invitation, and tell her you’ll take her out to dinner when she gets back. Your sobriety helps you be fully present as her sister - and she’ll appreciate that.
Take care and don’t give up. Keep checking in and keep us posted. You can do this.
There’s a lot of projection about what could happen. Would your sister put you in a position to relapse, knowing your relationship with the ex’s family is strained? If you haven’t talked to him in 2 years, maybe he’s changed as much as you have. Have a conversation with your sister and him prior to going. If you find, he’s still that same person that has the potential to hurt you or your sobriety, don’t go. Or have your sister uninvite him. Nothing is worth your well being and sobriety, not even a family wedding. One of my favorite things about sobriety is that we have choices now.
Yeah exactly how I’ve been worried about thinking of what will happen when I get to Mexico like…no will know if I take two double shots if they don’t see me do it. And I
Already have that little demon knocking on my door! I’m afraid of the whole situation and then on top of it all now I’m more worried about my family here after what’s happening in the world after today. I’m not even kidding I’m the one they look to when I say “we have to protect each other no matter what no matter where.” They all hug me and say dad would be so proud! I’m not only recovering and afraid if everything globally works out I’m afraid of what Mexico will hold for my own well being! And thank you soooo much for understanding it made me tear up that the feeling I have isn’t a rare one. It means so much to me!
I don’t want to ruin the wedding for anyone and I have always been the strong one in the family and I’m still trying! And I feel as if I can’t ask that of my brother in law to uninvite his own groomsman when I wasn’t worthy of being there before. And I know that’s a terrible thing to think but it’s how I feel. I was alone through my 6 and 1/2 weeks in the hospital no contact besides a few conversations with my mom and I had to do it alone and in isolation. So being confronted by someone I can’t even look in the face is so terrifying much less am I able to even ask anything but him to avoid me and me to avoid him. I brought it up to my mom and her only comment was just avoid him…and of course I responded with I will call security and the cops may have to come and I will let them arrest him I will never protect those with no respect for the dead or those who have tried to save those who have died. To me that’s slandering my dead ex fiancés name
Thank you so much! 
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. But he is a blackout violent drunk and I am afraid and I have expressed that to my mom and said I will tell security and let them know that I am handicapped because I still am after almost 12 months of learning how to walk again and being sober and having to fight for my life and the abilities it all comes with learning to not just walk but be able to balance (I still can’t with my eyes closed), and being able to take my leg braces off and know that I will be strong enough to walk down the isle to witness my sister marry her husband in ceremony beyond the COVID courthouse wedding. But if he pushed me or hit me I’d be so helpless it’s so scary. And I know he has hit other women before and I’m worried I may be next. No matter my avoidance of him.
You’re not responsible for any one else’s actions Jessie. Especially not someone who is battling his own demons. You have come so very far and you have every right in the world to say “this is not in the best interest of my sobriety and I fear this trip and all it contains could potentially cause a relapse”. Can you talk this out with your sister? Is that an option? hug I’m sorry this has turned into a concern for you.
Jessie - you’re in a pretty rough spot right now anyway; you said a few weeks back:
Maybe you need to focus on you right now. You have the right to focus on what you need.
You said you’re the one people turn to as the strong one. Maybe this is the time you turn to yourself, and take the time you need to be strong and recover, one day at a time. Can you do that? How?
Thank you!
I can always do that! I honestly have nothing to lose but my family and I have no reason to stop that by losing it to drinking! After my dad passed I know the weight is heavy and it’s really hard but I keep reading my favorite childhood books and making myself breathe through those books and my memories of reading them! For instance today I let myself spend money on a leather bound copy of F. Scott Fitzgeralds three best know jazz era novels. My favorite being The Great Gatsby! I read it when I was 14 and fell in love with it!
Well, I see your focusing on everything negative… playing the “what if’s game”. I understand your emotional grief all to well. What are the positives, “what if’s”? Maybe, he’s changed since the last time you interacted… I mean you have, right? Just walk away if it’s a negative interaction… find the beauty of your sister’s wedding and only interact with that emotionally.
Make a plan now! I’m sure, hanging out with your Mother should and will be safe place. Hopefully, there will be people there, that won’t over indulge and you can keep them in your hip pocket.
Of course, your the most important person in this equation. You know what’s best for you, and you should always put your best interest first!
That means a lot and thank you for making me think that way! I am trying I am! I always keep my chin up! Don’t worry!