Wow - Jessie that is so much. I can hear the long, heart-wrenching emotional journey you’ve been through. You’ve come so far, and you’re scared: you’re scared of losing the place you’ve re-gained at family events, the space you’ve re-entered as a member of the family. Also you’re probably scared of addiction itself: that “addict voice” that sneaks in and says, ‘c’mon, just a little will take the edge off, you deserve it, it will be fine’. We all have that voice. Sneaky f*cker.
Maybe… you cry now. I think in addiction we bury ourselves, we run from our emotions, we numb them. We do that for so long that we forget (or we never learn) that emotions are actually signposts, guides, indicators - we forget that our emotions are essential tools for living life safely, and moving forward, constructively. It’s ok to cry, and it’s ok to feel scared and sad. Crying means we need sympathy and support - and those are normal human feelings and needs, and we ask for them. (Crying is like a universal human language: you know when someone is crying they need sympathy and support. You’re allowed to need sympathy and support. All humans do. Be open to that - you have to, to live.)
It’s also essential to ask for help. It’s good that you came here. Maybe while you’re in Mexico you can visit a local AA meeting? Might sound crazy but AA is worldwide and wherever you go, you can find people who understand. Doesn’t matter if the meeting’s in Spanish. They’ll understand that you’re looking for help to get you through.
Another option is to spend time at online meetings: Online meeting resources You can find one just about any time of day. It’ll help keep you grounded so you don’t feel alone. It’s also useful for theirs times when events or activities are happening where you don’t feel comfortable.
And finally, if it comes down to it, you don’t have to go. Your sister loves you and wants you to be safe. If you think you’re at risk and you believe that going to the wedding might put you at risk (for your safety, physical or emotional, from this guy; or of relapsing), then explain that to her and thank her for the invitation, and tell her you’ll take her out to dinner when she gets back. Your sobriety helps you be fully present as her sister - and she’ll appreciate that.
Take care and don’t give up. Keep checking in and keep us posted. You can do this.