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This is helping me recognize the things I need to change, besides the addiction.
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If I’m not progressing I’m regressing, no matter how I feel like I’m standing still.
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I wasn’t feeling good today, folding will make me feel sicker.
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I don’t want to relapse on Sunday.
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I have other goals I want to move onto, although I think this one might be a perpetual work in progress.
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I haven’t done much writing since I’ve gotten caught up in this again. It’s a shame. I want to write more.
1.) I want to be able to say that I really put my health and happiness first. That I beat this addiction for myself.
2.) I want to make my family proud. I don’t want them to constantly worry about me. I want to be able to make it on my own.
3.) I want to be able to address my problems head on. I have issues with anxiety and depression and I feel like I drank just to cover up the problem. To not feel the pain for a bit. I want all of that to change. And I believe with a clear head and a new focus, that I can make these things happen.
Those are my reasons for fighting. And I’m really grateful that they matter.
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If I can learn to deal with my problems I can help others.
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This addiction only numbs the issues for a short time, then they’re all back and so is the guilt
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I’m trying to get better. I want to. It’s the best way of “making it all stop”, and maybe I’ll find peace.
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I’ve got too many commitments this week to fail.
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Bit by bit I’m working my way up into better habits, and a better state of mind. I’d like to eventually be as high functioning as I try to convince myself I am.
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By being free of this I’ll feel more “real”, which has been a long term goal of mine.
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I’m riding a productivity high and I do NOT want to crash
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I need to start getting ready for a trip, so I can’t be bothered with this addiction nonsense
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The farther I get from this the more Myself I am am again.
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Trip tomorrow. There will be too many people around me for me to be subtle, so I definitely need to avoid giving in.
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My cousin’s getting baptized. That’s the kind of holy event I want to be clean for.
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I’ve not been sleeping well recently, and since this addiction is worse at night it’s definitely extra unhealthy for me rn.
1.) I have work tomorrow so I want to be able to handle whatever it throws at me with a clear head.
2.) I don’t want to ever let my bosses down or have them worry about me. We’re a close knit company and I don’t want them to see me fail.
3.) I want to feel good. In general, my head be clear, my body feel rested, and my mind without guilt or shame.
Those are my reasons
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To start my project again
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To fully understand what i need and don’t need in my life.
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To be able to love myself and others again…its been too long.
I missed a day because I spent most of the night in a car. Bleh.
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One of my cousins has made a lot of bad choices because of some trouble in her life. It’s a path I don’t want to go down.
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I’m doing super stressful things rn and I’m doing my best to bear it. Hopefully this will put me even farther on developing healthy coping.
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If I can get myself into a healthier level I can take care of things better, like plants and animals. That’d be awesome.
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I’m planning on having to support myself my whole life so I need to get to a functioning level of Okay.
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There’s no benefit or gain from this road.
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This path will inevitably hurt people. It’s got to stop.
Relapse, probably from my stress levels. But if I want to go farther this time I’ve got to keep at it.
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It’s sooo not worth it. The amount of self loathing and disconnectedness afterwards was super awful.
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I’m sleep deprived rn so I need to get my schedule back on track, meaning no time for another relapse.
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I generally only do this when I’m slipping, because then I don’t care about the repercussions. But if I can avoid giving into my other self destructive urges in those moments this one’s got to go.
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I don’t want to let people down. Especially not for this.
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I’d like to bring something more positive than negative to this world and I can’t if I’m fermenting in self disgust and apathy.
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I have new things to watch and I don’t want any of them tied to my addiction.
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I want to sleep better.
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I want to be more reliable
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I don’t want this to be associated with me any longer than I have to deal with it.
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I want to feel like I’m worth something.
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I have a podcast running circles in my brain and I’d like it to have absolutely no contamination via addiction.
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I can’t keep “standing still”. I need to be ready for reality. This is holding me back.
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If others found out I’d feel awful.
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I have potential and worth.
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If I can keep piling up good things then eventually I’ll have a soft landing for if I fall.
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You know the scenes in the movies where a character is brainwashed or whatever and their loved one is screaming, “Fight it! I know you’re in there!!”? I’d like to believe breaking from addiction is basically doing that. I want to do that.
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I need to be able to support people that I love, so I need to be in a place for that.
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If I want to feel alive in healthier ways, I need to be willing to face the world instead of hiding away in comfortable bubbles.
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This addiction screws with my associations with certain words and such, which SUCKS and I’d like that to be done.
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So… that new podcast has me desperate to create content for it. And considering I am already single handedly trying to hold up another completely different fandom I’m going to need a LOT of motivation.
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When I’m focused on this issue, I’m not working on my other issues. Those need to be gotten to at some point, because I have a lot of issues.
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I’m starting to build up a good schedule and it’d suck to mess it up with an unscheduled does of self loathing.
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I don’t want to compromise any more of my happy moments.
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I have little baby plants I’m trying to sprout, and like I mentioned, unscheduled does of self loathing would make that hard.
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I’ve been a bit more motivated today. I got a lot done and I want to relish that uninterrupted.
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I don’t want to end up hurting anyone with this.
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I want to improve my relationship with God.