I think you’re right that those thoughts and words need some release - but what we do with them and how we feed them is where we get to make those (sometimes elusive!) more informed choices now…
Been gone too long too. I’ve been busy, sure, but haven’t made time even to keep up on this thread - one of the dearest to me.
Being too busy allowed me keep my addiction fueled and awareness at bay for a longggg time. I would plug up the glimpses of honesty and awareness with wine and more busy-ness.
I’m too busy right now, but am doing something about it. And while I don’t have any inclination to drink, being too busy now looks like a lot of unwise thought, unhelpful speech, not always the best kind of action.
I’m making my Monday night mtg a must. And back to journaling where I get to unload the raw stuff, ideally before it gets spoken…
Love you two friends… @M-be-free49 and @Thirdmonkey …leading the way of nudging, reminding, breathing, being.
It isn’t lost on me that my swirling, chaotic busy-ness of assisting my parents in their journey is similar to the chaos / avoidance/ escape / not being present of my drinking / drug use / fill in the blank. And where does all this ‘overachieving’ / trying to smooth life for others lead? To me manifesting into dis-ease again. Covid #4 for me. Sigh.
Embarrassed that the way I find my self present again in my life is thru isolation in my bed room and watching the beautiful view on the outside.
Reading my Pocket Pema I chuckle at how obvious it all is.
The chaos of the drink is past for me, but still the chaos slithers in when I lose sight of the present - the gift of now.
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you dwell in peace
Oh! I just posted on your life transitions thread about this - and letting myself be gobbled up by the task and losing the right here, right now. [The shredding became an oddly meditative task. Lick finger, count 12 sheets (no desire to peek, trust me), rip, shred. Repeat.] The mental name calling of one set of siblings and drafting (in my head) defensive replies to their emails not yet received?
Exactly the quote that @Thirdmonkey chose landed in me like you had both watched my July from the other side of the window.
Thank you, both of you. Visiting this thread calms my waters.
Balance. Something in life I struggle with. Kinda like my drinking, 100% consumption. I recognize I am out of balance, then throw everything at my recovery program…then wonder why I have no blanace.
This time i got out of my stinky nest by fixing something stinky
Replaced all valves and seals, as I had a leak. As a member of my sanga said, “sometimes mediatation comes in different forms, yours came from a toilet this time”.
Some of my most ‚present‘ moments of mindfulness were during nightly panic attacks. I‘m not claiming I wish them back, but boy was I motivated to stay in the present.
My second Dharma Recovery meeting tonight. This is what I read as part of that meeting (and it became the theme of the meeting as well) :
Many of us lost the ability, if we ever had it, to form relationships without the social lubricant of alcohol or drugs. Sometimes that was because we dealt with rejection, trauma, or loss at an early age and became anxious and avoidant around others. Or maybe we just felt different from everyone else since the day we were born, or came from a small community (or a big family) and got sick of people nosing into our business. Whatever reasons we had to isolate, we got to a point where it stopped serving us. The substances and behaviors we used to protect ourselves began to harm ourselves and others. We drove people away to be safe, and as a result we became even more lonely.
Meditation was uneasy for me, as the previous time the compassion meditation I participated in triggered some vivid and nasty images of suffering in my mind. I was scared I would be bothered by the same, or similar images this time. And there were some, but not as strong this time. Not sure what to make of it yet. I’ve always been excellent at blocking out people, so sitting in a room full of strangers with my eyes closed for 20 minutes is no problem for me. The fly that kept landing on me was a bit of a problem. Made me think of the opening scene of Once upon a time in the West.
This is a very nice read. Has me thinking as reading it.
It made a lot of sense actually at the same time as what @Thirdmonkey mentioned it be a form of healing.
For me sometimes the obvious isn’t obvious and when it’s written out it just hits deep and makes sense and I felt that here.
Kind of giving me the option to look from the outside in on myself.
Having a chance to see things from an outside perspective instead my own perception but on myself, room for healing in the form of being able to see from the outside in which usually other people get to see from that view.
Not sure if Im making sense.
My vocabulary is limited today I’m
Meditation got me through the hardest darkest time of my life. It helped me stay balanced and in the moment. I need that back, it was peaceful although living through a storm I was able to navigate calmly.
I must get back into it more.
Sometimes I think of meditation as what happens in the compost pile. Can’t see it. Don’t even know if it’s happening. Just show up (me with my compost scraps, scraps with their nutrients, pile with its accumulated organic matter) and give the process a chance.
Easier said than done for this human - I became so accustomed to instant fixes.
I have had to “escape hatch” out of a few meditations when the intrusive thoughts come tumbling in - and open my eyes, take some steps, sip some tea. I like the idea that maybe it’s healing. Also, I was told that it doesn’t mean I’m failing at meditating or avoiding, but learning to take care of myself during meditation, and out of it too.
Same feelings here. Meditation has helped me a lot and now that I’m sober (only day 22), I’ve been meditating daily, usually in the evening but gotta start also meditating in the morning too.
I love this. I no longer want to escape myself as I am, and other people as they are. Without judgment, allowing us to be just as we are, whether or not it makes me uncomfortable. The whole spectrum, the truth. Not needing to hide, walking in with kindness, openness and honesty.
. Ok, ready