Hi Lisa, seem to be getting better, it’s a slow process. Extreme fatigue. Just grateful that things didn’t get worse. Thank you @Lisa07 for reaching out and staying in touch. 
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That’s great news! It’s going to take time to recover but it makes me happy to hear you’re on the mend.
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December 29th
We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it.
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 133
It’s mind blowing to think how much human nature draws us so easily into self-pity. For most of my life prior to the program, I wallowed in playing the victim. I played the victim not so much for sympathy, but to justify my addiction and bad behavior. Through the fellowship, I have come to learn that if I played the victim card, I would always be a victim. Shedding the prison of self inflicted misery was essential to me being able to find my path to happiness. Finding serenity is a long and arduous process, but well worth the effort. Adjusting my attitude about life only came after an awareness that my character defects, especially self-pity, barred me from true peace. The epiphany that I controlled my happiness by my attitudes was a monumental breakthrough. “Fake it until you make it” became an ongoing daily mantra in early sobriety. Take the body and the mind will follow! I now know that I can only be as happy as I allow myself to be. Today, I am mostly free of debilitating emotions that used to keep me locked in despair. Quite simply, my freedom and attitude today begins with a morning surrender when I ask God to direct my thoughts and actions, and that those thoughts and actions be free of self-pity, dishonesty, and self-seeking motives. I am so grateful that the program gives me a way to genuinely be happy, joyous, and free.
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December 30th
"Perhaps you raise the question of hallucination versus the divine imagery of a genuine spiritual experience. I doubt if anyone has authoritatively defined what a hallucination really is. However, it is certain that all recipients of spiritual experiences declare their reality. The best evidence of that reality is in the subsequent fruits. Those who receive these gifts of grace are very much changed people, almost invariably for the better."
As Bill Sees It, The Reality of Spiritual Experiences, p. 182
Growing up Catholic, I viewed miracles as something that were beyond explanation and divinely connected, such as Moses and the burning bush. I certainly didn’t think anything like that would ever happen in my life. Miracles only happen for Saints and people of the holy cloth, or so I thought. Little did I know that this narrow perception was completely limiting my spiritual growth and faith in God. After surviving the nightmare of addiction, my perception of life had to change, and this included any residual dogma I carried about religion, miracles, or a spiritual experience. Gradually, I came to believe that the world is full of miracles, including all those in 12 step programs. Coming out of complete despair and darkness into the light of AA is nothing short of a miracle. If you hit a bottom as low as I and then find recovery, it’s impossible to deny that something divinely guided unfolded within us. I marvel at how our program so delicately takes us to a new found faith. I have come to greatly appreciate the insight of our founders in allowing us to define a Higher Power of our own understanding. Taking the steps then clears away any lasting spiritual blockages and opens us to the realm of what we once considered impossible. However, just as we can define a Higher Power of our own understanding, so too can we define a spiritual experience of our own understanding. If you allow it, life itself can become a spiritual experience, and your life perspective will change forever.
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December 31st
"In forgiving ourselves, we make the journey from guilt for what we have done (or not done) to celebration of what we have become."
–Joan Borysenko–
Even though I knew I didn’t like myself before the program, I had no idea that I needed to forgive myself. Forgiving others was hammered into me by my religious upbringing, but I had no idea how to get rid of resentments enough to genuinely forgive anyone. The thought that I needed to forgive myself never occurred to me until I got into the program, but this ultimately became a freedom from deep-seated guilt that had plagued me throughout my life. For me, forgiving myself only came after taking all the steps and being in the program a while. Direct amends, at times, was not enough for me to erase the immense guilt I had carried so long. Only through extended living amends was I able to chip away at that guilt that was holding me back from fully forgiving myself. It was also critical that I accepted in my heart of hearts that God had already forgiven me, which was a foreign concept for my religious dogma riddled mind. After making direct amends (making it right), and continuing to make living amends, all we have left is to forgive ourselves. We all come into the program with baggage, some worse than others, but it doesn’t matter what you were years or months ago; it only matters what you are today. None of us are that same person that slithered into the rooms of AA. We are all just healing people on this odyssey of recovery, and as we take this spiritual pilgrimage, we are blessed to become the people we were always meant to be.
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January 1st 2021
The world needs all of our power and love and energy, and each of us has something to give. The trick is to find it and use it, to find it and give it away so there will always be more. We can be lights for each other, and through each other’s illumination we will see the way. Each of us is a seed, a silent promise, and it is always spring.
-Merle Shain-
Before the program, to say I felt hopeless was a gross understatement. I felt completely lost and rudderless in life. That kid that had so much potential was gone, and the thoughts of “what could have been” crushed me. My mind was a swirling tornado of lost hopes and dreams. As I was bottoming out for the last time, little did I realize I was on the precipice of finding a fellowship that would nurture me back to health and build me back up to the man I am today. AA is a program of hope and a catalyst to fulfill your life aspirations and dreams. As we gain the courage to follow our passions, we find genuine support and encouragement from fellow members of the program. We discover that by following our passions, we find that inner genius that is in all of us. We all have special talents; we just have to have the courage to find them. Ironically, as we begin to live our hopes and dreams, we also inspire others to do the same. Our program is wonderful at setting a tone of endless possibilities. At nearly every meeting, we hear stories of lives being turned around and dreams that have become reality. I love the sincerity of others in the fellowship as we share the blessings life has to offer. I am so grateful to those that came before me in the program that inspired me to be the best version of myself. For me, AA became a beacon of hope and a conduit for dreams coming true, but it was always up to me to put in the work to make it happen.
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January 2nd
Gratitude is our most direct line to God and the angels. If we take the time, no matter how crazy and troubled we feel, we can find something to be thankful for. The more we seek gratitude, the more reason the angels will give us for gratitude and joy to exist in our lives.
–Terry Lynn Taylor–
Most of us learn very early on in recovery that we need to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and to find a bit of gratitude. In the beginning, as we are still enjoying the sobriety honeymoon and riding that pink cloud, it’s fairly easy to embed ourselves in gratitude. As the luster of early sobriety wears off, and the realities of life kick in, those feelings of self-pity come rushing back. I am so thankful for all those that shared in my blossoming recovery about writing “gratitude lists.” I can vividly hear the chorus of, “If you can’t find something to be grateful for, then you’re not looking hard enough!” Even in our darkest days, we can usually find something to be grateful for, such as just being alive and not living the nightmare of addiction. I found the more I looked for things to be grateful, the more my perceptions of life changed. What we think upon grows, so if I try to supplant negative thoughts with gratitude and acceptance, the more gratitude and acceptance permeates my mindset and life. Developing our faith in God also opens the door for more gratitude to flow in and through us. The more I believe in God and embrace a deep faith, the more I appreciate the small blessings in life. For a long time, self pity entombed me in a shallow existence of gloom and obscurity; gratitude opened my eyes to life and became the guiding light of possibilities. Have a great New Year and may you live in gratitude in 2021.
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January 3rd
"Once the miracle of sobriety has been received … Providence expects all of us to work and to grow – to do our part in maintaining our blessings in full force. A perpetual miracle – with no effort or responsibility on our part – simply isn’t in the cards. We all understand that the price of both personal and group survival is willingness and sacrifice, vigilance and work.”
“AA Co-Founder, Bill W., April 1958,” Guardian of AA: Our General Service Conference", The Language of the Heart
As recovering alcoholics, if we don’t change, our sobriety date will! In life, failure is not fatal, but for us, failure to change just might be. For this very reason, our book warns us to not rest on our laurels (p. 85). As we get sober and our lives improve dramatically, human nature draws us into the trap of taking recovery for granted. One of the great paradoxes of our program is that, “We can’t keep it unless we give it away.” So, we help others to help ourselves, but in the process, we gain so much more. By being of service, my emotional and spiritual growth has taken me places I never imagined. I’m so thankful you taught me that the greatest room in my life is the room for improvement. As I continue this odyssey through life, I don’t have many regrets, because I know I’m so much better than what I used to be. Through the program principles, I have lived a fulfilling and meaningful life. It would have been a tragedy to have not realized my purpose in life and to have all those things just wither and die within me. In most aspects of my life, especially career, I found that self sacrifice, teamwork, and caring about others were the key to success. On the other hand, I watched people stagnate in life and career, because they were always asking, “What’s in it for me?” I cherish that we have a “we” program of self sacrifice and giving that gives us the courage to become whom we were always meant to be.
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morning Mr Ed, I’m currently reading language of the heart, sorry just a useless fact for you 
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January 4th
The spiritual journey involves going beyond hope and fear, stepping into unknown territory, continually moving forward. The most important aspect of being on the spiritual path may be just to keep moving.
–Pema Chodron–
For the first 25 years of my life, I wandered around with no real purpose. I was that broken down ship miles from shore, and miles from any true connection to others. The hole in my gut was a chasm of despair and sadness. I didn’t want to be me, and I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. For a while, I filled that void with my addiction, but it didn’t take long for everything to come crumbling down around me and anyone else that had the misfortune of being in my life. When the miracle of recovery unfolded within me, I soon found the missing ingredient to life – spiritual growth! I was living in a prison of my own making, and I had no idea the keys to the lock were within me the entire time. I’m so thankful AA taught me how to stop drinking, but it’s spirituality that taught me how to navigate the treacherous waters of living in sobriety, especially in the first few years of recovery. For the longest time, I tried to insert analysis into my search of spirituality, which I now see was a pursuit of futility. Spirituality, for me, came from within, and only after I took the steps and shed my abundant spiritual blockages. The longest mile is truly the one between our mind and our heart. My evolving spirituality has been one of the greatest gifts of my life, and through faith, I bridged that gap between my heart and mind. Through the program, I now see that love inspires love, and faith inspires miracles. This journey has to start someplace, so why not let it be with you, right here, right now?
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"For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching has become a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong."
Bill W. “language of the heart”
Good morning Paul, an awesome read. Proud of you my friend.
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January 5th
Fulfillment of desire is an illusion; desire leads to more desire, not satisfaction.
–Kathleen McDonald–“How to Meditate”
For most of us in the program, we are masters of the quick fix. “I want it now, and I want it my way,” was our battle cry. Patience was never one of our strong suits, and instant gratification wasn’t fast enough. As I was trudging through the steps, and the process of deep inner reflection, it became very clear to me that desires controlled me; even when they came to fruition, satisfaction was fleeting at best. I would be good for a short time until the next desire again pummeled me into self pity. It took a while for me to accept that I couldn’t find sustained happiness through materialistic gain. Lasting contentment in life is truly an inside job. When I changed my inner attitudes and perspectives on life, it also changed my outer existence. When I see life through a prism of spirituality rather than desires, I can step into the 4th dimension. An amazing blessing of our program is to be able to live in a 3rd dimensional world with a 4th dimensional heart. Life is in session, and life difficulties and challenges are certain to unfold, but today I don’t immediately hit the panic button. It’s quite remarkable that we can see things as less threatening, and we learn tools to process whatever life throws at us. The view may be the same, but I now have a new set of eyes that can see things through my heart, not my character defects. Money costs too much, but happiness is free; we just have to trust God, clean house, and help others.
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January 6th
"My soul remained a mystery until my Higher Power settled inside me, appearing to me as a very real feeling of love and caring. Kindness slowly took precedence, and I became comfortable with the idea that I didn’t need a drink."
–AA Grapevine, January 2005–
In my active addiction, I was completely lost and had severed any connection to God that may have existed. It’s interesting to hear those that slip and come back talk about how quickly they lost their connection with God, but I’m quite certain that would be my case as well. When I came into the program, I was virtually a blank slate with some residue of my religious upbringing. In early recovery, the energy and spirit in the rooms were undeniable, but it all still seemed an unattainable mystery to me. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I knew I wanted what you had! I didn’t believe at first, but I believed you believed. Thankfully, I was beaten down so thoroughly that I had just enough willingness to be open to spirituality. After a while, identifying as an alcoholic rolled off my tongue without reservation, which I now see as a cornerstone to my spiritual foundation. I heard God speak through others with that enchanting language of the heart. If you hear God’s whispers enough, you can’t help but to begin that incredible pilgrimage towards faith. We have all had at least one profound spiritual experience, and that was when we walked into the rooms of AA and admitted we were alcoholics. In the beginning, we work the program, but after applying the program to our life, the program starts working us. If we are quiet enough in our heart and mind, we begin to appreciate the small blessings in life, and we come to believe that these too are spiritual experiences that can change us and our entire perspective on life.
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Hey Ed 
just wanted to say hello. Your quiet these days. Hope you are feeling better since the rona. 
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January 7th
Love is like a brilliantly glowing candle. If you step into its presence and ignite your own candle from the flame, there is not less light, but more. We are not meant to hoard light, but to shine and share it by becoming love in action.
–Mary Manin Morrissey–
We hear in our rooms all the time, “Let us love you until you can love yourself.” For me, this was absolutely critical in my early recovery. When I came into the rooms, I hated whom I was and what I had become. And even though I did not feel deserving of love, I greatly appreciated the overwhelming kindness and outpouring of love from the fellowship. As I leaned into the program and followed your direction, I began that slow process of self acceptance. When I got to that point that I finally felt like “I was enough,” my love for others became purer and more pervasive. What we think upon grows, and love is an emotion that grows in us exponentially. It’s a contagious feeling that can literally change your biochemistry. God’s greatest gift to us is unconditional love, and we would be wise to follow that principle. I am so thankful that we learn in AA to give love with no expectation of anything in return - Love can never be a conditional emotion. However, through life circumstances, we build defensive walls around our heart that prevent us from true and complete love of another. We may think we are fully loving others, but this is a fallacy until we do all the work necessary, like accepting our part in life issues and making our amends. The program gives us all the tools we need to break down those walls around our hearts so that we can express our love completely without the scars of life holding us back.
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Hi Courtney, thank you for reaching out and saying hi. I’m getting better each day but it’s a slow progress. Working on getting my stamina and strength back. It got pretty bad.
Hope you and your family are doing well. Thank you for your contributions on Talking Sober. It makes a positive difference in people’s lives, including mine. now back to meme wars. lol 
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I’m sorry to hear this bc in my job people get covid every week and just get over it with minor symptoms, this makes me forget how serious it can be for some. But if you can beat alcoholism what’s a little bitty bug gonna do to ya , prays Mr Ed.
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Glad you are on the mend Ed
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Glad you are feeling better, Ed!
I cheated and read your Jan.06 and Jan.07 recovery quotes yesterday (had to counteract all the news somehow!). My only complaint is that I can’t re-like Jan.07 today!
Thank you for these. I will use this opportunity to practice mindfulness, presence, patience, etc and read Jan.08 quote on Jan.08! 
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January 8th
"I opened the door and walked into the warmth, the laughter, the acceptance, and the love that is AA. No one asked me who I was or what I wanted; no one asked me how much money I had or what I did for a living; no one asked me where I did my drinking or what my sexual preferences were. The smiling man who greeted me told me that night that if I thought I had a drinking problem, I was in the right place."
“Above All, an Alcoholic,” Toledo, Ohio, September 1982, In Our Own Words: Stories of Young AAs in Recovery
I cherish that our program is all inclusive, never exclusive. Since our disease effects all cultures or types of people, everyone is welcome. Not only is everyone welcome, there is usually an instant identification and bond with others through our common peril. Quite simply, the fellowship is a safe haven for all of us to recover and heal those scars of our addiction. There are so many welcoming elements of our fellowship, you can’t help but feel wanted and at ease. For me, the smiles, hugs, and laughter were my instant connection. I wasn’t sure what you had, or how you got it, but I knew I wanted it. You helped me get over deep seated insecurities about myself so that I could “feel a part of.” I remember in early sobriety telling my sponsor about feeling judged by others, and he turned to me and said, “You know there are over 4 billion people on this planet, and at any given time, none of them are thinking about you!” Once I got over myself and began the arduous ordeal of processing my “causes and conditions,” melting into the fellowship came easy. My sponsor told me to go to meetings until I wanted to go to meetings, and that only took about a month. You made me laugh, think and feel. You helped me walk through a myriad of emotions that kept bubbling to the surface. But most importantly, you taught me that I could trust you, and the genuine care and kindness of our beloved program.
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