"You know what our genius for rationalization is. If, to ourselves, we fully justify one slip, then our rationalizing propensities are almost sure to justify another one, perhaps with a different set of excuses. But one justification leads to another and presently we are back on the bottle full-time."
As Bill Sees It, Where Rationalizing Leads, p. 197
I hate the insidiousness of our disease. It is truly cunning, baffling, and powerful. Our disease is the only disease in the world that tells us we donât have a disease, and it wants to kill us slowly. Sadly, we will have to step over a lot of dead bodies on the way to recovery. I donât want to even try count how many people I have known that have been taken by our disease. Unfortunately, the threat of death is still not enough for many of us to stay. As soon as the obsession to drink or use becomes bigger than someoneâs faith in the program or God, they are on their way to a slip. We are either working on recovery, or we are working on a slip! After picking up a drink, so many seem to get stuck in the relapse revolving door. Habitual slipping is so common, so you would think that would be enough of a warning to others to not fall into the quicksand of that first drink or drug. From my perspective, it seems like itâs much easier to stay sober, then to get sober again. We donât shoot our wounded, and everyone is always welcomed back, but that is something I hope I never have to test. I fully accept the progressiveness of our disease, and I know mine is still in me doing push-ups, waiting for my vulnerabilities. I hope I never take sobriety for granted, or that I fall into that rationalization pit. I know we are all blessed to be sober, and as long as we give â100%â to this program, there is a â100%â chance of maintaining our recovery.
My stability came out of trying to give, not of demanding that I receive. Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with Godâs help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.
The Language of the Heart, p. 238
When I first heard âemotional sobriety,â I thought âwhatâs with the psychobabble,â I just want to stop drinking. Once I got some distance from my last drink, it became very evident that my new problem was how to live sober. Sobriety was like living life upside down, so I had to learn how to cope with virtually everything. It didnât help that the f-word, âfeelings,â kept rearing its ugly head. I was okay with good feelings and emotions, but I was so mangled, most of my early feelings were surrounded around guilt, shame, fear, and self-pity. Thankfully, I trusted you and the process of recovery. As I shed the baggage of life that I carried into the fellowship, my ability to extend myself to others became more prevalent. Just as you told me, the more I gave myself to others, the more peace and serenity I would find. It didnât take long for me to fully accept that my happiness, peace and serenity were directly proportional to how willing I was to give of myself. Difficult emotional situations can almost always be traced back to some character defect that we let get the best of us. So, if weâre honest with ourselves and truly admit our part, we readily see that it is pride, ego, fear, envy, lust, resentment or any of our other shortcomings that cause our discomfort. The answer is simple - If you want to relieve yourself of the bondage of self, give yourself to others with no expectation of anything in return.
To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing in the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.
âGilbert K. Chestertonâ
Before the program, I was locked in a prison of selfishness. I had some caring and redeeming qualities, but for the most part, I was motivated by âwhatâs in it for me?â That shallow existence of self-centeredness only led me to self-pity and loneliness. Then, I came into the program, and I started the transformation towards genuine care for others. As we begin to express kindness towards, we alter our perspective and attitudes about life. We lose long standing resentments that only hurt us, and we discover the benefits of forgiveness. We saw how our fears controlled our decision making, and we saw how living in today made life so much easier to live. Faith made the impossible, possible. As we uncovered, discovered, and discarded, we began the journey to being the best version of ourselves. As our self-centered emotions become less erratic, we start experiencing the immense value of extending ourselves towards others. None of us came in on a winning streak, so itâs amazing to see how adjusted and happy our members become after such a short time. We start out hopeless, and with a little work and leaning into the program, we gain hope and see the endless possibilities in life. We are so blessed to get a second chance at life and to truly be able to live more than one life in one lifetime.
"Times change, people change, and language may change. But the disease of alcoholism does not change. It always kills."
âAA Grapevine, February 1996â
I pray that I never take my sobriety for granted. It has been many years since I lived the horrors of addiction, but many memories are still distinct in my mind; I hope I never forget how incredibly bad it got. Quite frankly, I never thought I would make it to age 30. The progressive nature of our disease is truly insidious, and itâs shocking to see how far down we can go before we turn for help. The disease hasnât changed, but times have. The world has changed dramatically since I first got sober, especially with technology and social media. We didnât have cellphones back in the day, but that didnât seem to prevent us from making the calls we needed to make. We looked up meetings in printed directories rather than an easy accessible âappâ on the phone in our pocket. We now have thousands of speakers recorded, and accessible âAA speakerâ sites on the internet. However, some things have stood the test of time. Our book has not changed, and our traditions keep us moving in the right direction. There is still love and warmth in our fellowship, and people sharing from the heart at every meeting. I know if I go to a meeting, there will be handshakes, hugs, and a cup of coffee waiting there for me. When I came into the program, you told me I would never be alone, and you were true to your word for all these years. I love that the spirit of AA is timeless and enduring. I know that if I donât change, my sobriety date will, but the basic principles of the program live on for all of us as a beacon of guiding light.
Thank you so much for these, Ed. I dropped in to this thread from time to time last year, but I decided this year to make this thread part of my morning - or daily - ritual, one of the tools in the âdaily recovery practiceâ Iâm still putting together.
But no pressure! I can go back to earlier posts too.
Just wanted to let you know how appreciated these, and you, are.
Even in the case of individuals, there is no possibility to feel happiness through anger. If in a difficult situation one becomes disturbed internally, overwhelmed by mental discomfort, then external things will not help at all. However, if despite external difficulties or problems, internally oneâs attitude is of love, warmth, and kindheartedness, then problems can be faced and accepted.
âDalai Lamaâ
It was cathartic to finally learn and accept that the way I would see life was directly related to my attitudes and perspectives. What we think upon grows, so whatever emotion Iâm allowing to flow through me will magnify in my mind. Itâs common sense to accede that when angry or full of resentments, itâs impossible to be able to fully express love toward others. For the longest time, I justified my righteous anger, but I was just kidding myself into thinking I could still be genuinely sincere to others while carrying around so many resentments. The program taught me to face my anger and to honestly face my own part. In nearly every case, my part in a resentment was just as significant as the other personâs. Many times, I realized that the resentment I had toward that person was a mirror of myself and my own actions. One of my mantras when I feel anger welling up is, âEvery minute I spend angry, I waste 60 seconds of happiness.â The program taught me that no one can make me angry without my permission, and you remind me to never put the keys to my happiness in someone elseâs pocket. I am so thankful that the program encourages me to face and process my anger. I no longer have to be that pissed off Irishman with a short fuse ready to blow up at the smallest thing, and thatâs an incredible freedom and gift of our fellowship.
The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.
âAlcoholics Anonymous, p. 68â
The amount of fear we carry is directly proportional to the amount of faith we have in God. The more faith we have, the less fear will rear its ugly head. Knowing this, you would think we would do anything to gain deeper faith in our Higher Power, yet so many of us continue to put up walls or let spiritual blockages continually keep us from the freedom of complete faith. It took me a long time to realize that it took more courage to believe in God than it was to be obstinate and in belligerent denial of the existence of an all-loving, all-forgiving Higher Power. It also took me a long time to be able to openly profess my faith. I was more worried that I would offend your agnostic or atheist sensibilities. Having lived in faith for some time now, and seen first hand how much it has truly changed and shaped my life, I am no longer silent or apologetic about my unwavering faith in God. Time and again, He has shown me that his plan for me is so much better than my own. The fellowship taught me that when you ask God a question, you get one of three answers: yes, not now, or I have something better for you. I seem to get âI have something better for youâ most of the time, but I have learned to cherish this blessing. When things donât turn out my way, but ultimately something better occurs, my faith in God grows exponentially. Words canât express how grateful I am to be in faith rather than to be controlled by fears.
"We AAs are the best listeners in the world â that is, when weâre not talking!"
âAA Grapevine, May 1998â
If Iâm doing all the talking, then Iâm doing none of the listening. If Iâm not listening, then Iâm not learning. One thing is certain â you canât possibly learn what you think you already know. Thankfully, our program teaches us to âlearn to listenâ and âto listen to learn.â The essence of humility is to remain teachable, but to do so, we need to quiet our mind to new thoughts and ideas. Every thing in life can be a teachable moment, but only if we allow it by listening and observing. In early sobriety, it was so important for me to sit still and try to absorb as much as possible. I went to a lot of speaker meetings, which made it easier to shut off the debate team in my head. Participation meetings are critical to our recovery, but we often get too self absorbed, thinking about what we should say rather than trying to really hear what others are sharing. I often go into meetings saying to myself, âI will not share no matter what,â which allows me to genuinely hear that beautiful language of the heart expressed by others. As a sponsor, I have learned that one of the best qualities I can give is to be a good listener. If you let someone air it out and just get it off their chest, that is usually enough to diffuse the issue. If you let a person talk long enough, they will usually find their own solution to their problem or conflict. Being a good listener was also invaluable to my career success, because listening, and really hearing what they are saying, is a lost art. I heard a saying in early sobriety that has always stuck with me â âA fool speaks because he wants to say something, but a wise man speaks when he has something to say.â Today, I try not to be a fool.
"With every prayer and every thought of love, we release the light that will cast out darkness. One light alone seems small and weak, but no oneâs light is ever alone, for all our lights are part of God."
âMarianne Williamsonâ
I have always been attracted to meetings that have a palpable energy. As our rooms fill up, and we see all the outward expressions of genuine concern for one another, there is an unquestionable kinetic energy driven by love and care. In those moments, the presence of God is undeniable. For me, I sense the interconnectedness of all of us as Godâs children. This feeling of God-consciousness is one of the many descriptions of the 4th dimension that we are blessed to experience. Our paths to God-consciousness vary, but they usually all depend on some form of prayer and embracement of love towards others. âI thank God for bringing me to AA, but more importantly, I thank AA for bringing me to God.â In AA meetings, I often get a distinct feeling of the presence of an all-loving God. If you go to enough meetings, you canât help but hear testimonial after testimonial of miracles unfolding in our lives. The light of God is truly contagious, and the more we give it away, the more we seem to get in return. They say a candle loses nothing by lighting another candle, it just lights up more of the room. This is so descriptive of our fellowship, and the light of AA warms us like a cozy blanket on a cold night. My prayers consist of an open dialogue with God throughout the day, and this enables the light of God to follow me wherever I go. We are blessed to have a program that allows us to shape a personal connection to God, and we are able to find what works best for us. When all else fails, know this â Life is fragile, handle with prayer.
"Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster. Your life will never be the same again.
âOg Mandinoâ
If we reflect back, Iâm sure we could find an instance in which an act of kindness had a profound impact on our life. Sadly, we go through life so self absorbed that we miss moments to pay forward random acts of kindness. Life presents us with endless possibilities to express love, care, and kindness, but we need to make the commitment. Our 10th Step each night reminds us to continue to take personal inventory, which also includes a retrospective of the good things we do each day (Godâs will â the opposites of our character defects). In extending kindness to others, we are representing a core value of our program - helping others. You never know when you may represent the first, or only, example to someone of our loving fellowship. On numerous occasions after Iâm thanked for some act of kindness, my first spontaneous thought and reaction has been, âDonât thank me, thank AA, they built me.â Being kind to others is another way to attract those in need to our loving fellowship. It takes little effort and only brief moments to be kind, but the result can last a lifetime, for both you and them.
"Walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things we put in Godâs hands were better than anything we could have planned."
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 100
We have all heard to write down our dreams in early sobriety. Inevitably, we all sell ourselves short. Godâs plan for us is so much more than our own. Generally, our dreams in the beginning are materialistic. The longer we stay sober, the more inward our dreams become. Charles Swindoll once said that, âThe secret lies in how we handle today, not yesterday or tomorrow. TodayâŚthat special block of time holding the key that locks out yesterdayâs nightmares and unlocks tomorrowâs dreams.â We learn that each and every day can reveal the small miracles in life. Serenity, peace of mind, being loved in the fellowship, and genuinely caring for others are just a few of the amazing benefits that unfold on our odyssey through our new found life in recovery. Iâve been sober long enough that I have been blessed to be able to live out my dreams, but I suspect God has some other dream or mission for me just waiting to be fulfilled. However, I also know that dreams are only possible if I try to do His will, stay out of the way, and remain in the middle of our fellowship by serving others.
Spirit has placed a dream in your heart for a better world, starting with your family, extending to your work, community, country and stretching beyond your nation. Speak your truth and inspire others, for you are meant to make a significant and sizable difference.
âMary Manin Morrisseyâ
When I came into the program, I just wanted the hellish nightmare of addiction to stop. I really didnât think it would work for me, but I was out of options or ideas. I had given up, and I was resolved to the thought that I wouldnât make it to 30-years old (I was 25 at the time). Then the miracle happened! I was able to stay sober one day at a time, and my life progressively got better. Through an open mind to this new spiritual way of life, everything about me began to change. It wasnât an overnight transformation, but I eventually accepted myself and whom I had become. As my attitudes and perceptions evolved, so too did I as a person. As I became a better person, it didnât take long to realize that those around me seemed to come along for the ride. When we give off an aura of kindness, love, and service, our spirit becomes contagious. We inspire others through our actions, which speak so much louder than words. Our commitment to honesty builds trust, and ironically, we become the dependable and responsible ones on the team. We become less interested in what people think we are, but instead, we focus on our own character and integrity. Character is best demonstrated by how we act when no one is looking or when we arenât getting credit. There is a very well worn saying in our program to âstick with the winners,â but this can be applied to all areas of our lives. We would be wise to avoid the doubters and to surround ourselves with those that inspire us to be our best. And above all, we should try to âbe somebody that makes others feel like they are somebody.â
Today, I will remember that God has not abandoned me. I can trust that God is leading, guiding, directing, and planning in love each detail of my life.
âMelody Beattieâ
I am so thankful that the program encouraged me to have an open mind to spirituality. The simple act of dropping my guard and not fighting the Great Reality (p. 55) deep down inside of me, I was able to grow and cultivate a loving relationship with God. I have come to learn that an open heart is never a lonely one. There is an expression in our program that sums up my appreciation of the God you nurtured in me - âKnow God; Know peace. No God; No peace.â My life before faith was lonely and meaningless. Now, through a strong faith in God, my life has purpose. What used to set me off no longer has that power over me, and life just seems so much easier to live. I know I canât go back in time and have a new start, but with Godâs guidance, I can build today towards a whole new ending. I have had so many mentors throughout my sobriety, and Iâm quite certain that God put them in my life at just the right moments. When the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear! I have always appreciated those sponsors and mentors that told me where to look or guided me in the right direction, but they always gave me the dignity of making my own mistakes and discoveries. Every one of us has our own journey in life that will be filled with hardships, lessons learned, and moments of jaw-dropping wonder, achievement, and enlightenment. My job is to be responsible, accountable and to take action, but I know I must leave the results and outcomes up to God. I donât know Godâs plan for my future, but I completely trust that it is better than my own.
"I continue to attend AA meetings because anything I know about recovery seems to have a shelf-life of 72 hours."
âThe Bottom of the Glass,â Providence, Rhode Island, Grapevine, March 2009, Voices of Long-Term Sobriety
It never ceases to amaze me how well a meeting can set me back on track. I could have had the worst day possible, attend a meeting, and immediately gain that much needed laughter and perspective. The spirit of our fellowship is magical, and for me, it cures a bad attitude like nothing else. Meetings are a check-up from the neck-up. My first sponsor told me to go to meetings until I wanted to go to meetings, and Iâm so thankful that he had that insight. Meetings not only assist our recovery, they give us a respite from our head. For that hour to hour and a half, I know a meeting is a safe haven from the chaos percolating between my ears. All too often, we can get overly self absorbed, which can be a formula for disaster for anyone. They say the smallest package in the world is an alcoholic all wrapped up in themselves. Meetings remind me of my primary purpose, and that is to be of service to others, which for me is the best way out of my own head. However, we canât get complete recovery by just going to meetings; we need to work all sides of the triangle â Unity, Service, and Recovery. Today, I love the life AA has given me. AA is not my whole life, but it certainly has made my life whole. I know that I will always be a work in progress, and I love that AA has such a gentle way of encouraging and nurturing my continued emotional and spiritual growth.
"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do."
âHelen Kellerâ
If we donât get sober to live a full life, whatâs the point? I firmly believe we have been given one of the greatest gifs of life, and that is one of limitless hope. After having survived a living hell before the program, I know that anything is possible. However, I also know that it is up to me to make the changes in my life if I want to become the person I hope to be. If nothing changes, nothing changes. We hear it all the time that, âIf you keep doing what your doing, youâll keep getting what youâve got!â To quote Bugs Bunny, âIf nothing is going right, try going left.â We have to become new people with new attitudes and perspectives. Flushing our old life, and the twisted way we viewed it, was essential to our recovery. As we garner our new found hope into achievement, we have to find the courage to begin. Every accomplishment starts with the commitment to try. You donât have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great. The worst mistakes in life are not trying or just giving up. Every person that has ever succeeded in life leaves a trail of failure behind them. Show me someone who never tries, and Iâll show you someone who never succeeds. Thankfully, our program gives us the courage to stand up to the âdoubters.â Others can slow us down temporarily, but we are the only ones that can dash our dreams forever. The AA circle and triangle is an amazing âdream catcher,â and all we have to do is believe in the program, the encouragement of the fellowship, and that spirit to achieve that waits patiently in all of us.
"Now we try to put spiritual principles to work in every department of our lives. When we do that, we find it solves our problems too; the ensuing lack of fear, worry and hurt feelings is a wonderful thing."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, pg.116~
Nearly all of us came into the program with one goal - to stop the nightmare of our alcoholic addiction. Once here, we find so much more. We soon find out that a simple kit of spiritual tools is laid at our feet, but it is up to us to use and put them into action. Our spirituality doesnât guarantee a better life, though that generally happens; what it does offer is an âeasier way of living life.â With spiritual guidance, conflict and other life issues are now much easier to handle and process. Life is no longer waiting for the storm to pass; itâs about learning how to dance in the rain. With deep faith in a Higher Power, our fears (future tripping) erode, and life takes on more purpose and meaning. I now see life through a lens of hope, acceptance, gratitude and spirituality, which has made life so much more enjoyable. How blessed we are to have tools for living that donât leave a
debris field in our wake. Instead, we leave an impression of integrity, accountability, kindness and compassion.
