RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:"A.A. experience has taught us we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and the character defects which cause or aggravate them. If Step Four has revealed in stark relief those experiences we’d rather not remember, then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever. We have to talk to somebody about them."
As Bill Sees It, We Cannot Live Alone, p. 83
Growing up Catholic, I was indoctrinated to think that by going to confession, I could gain a reprieve from my misgivings. I would say the “Our Father’s” and “Hail Mary’s” the priest would assign me to say, but I never felt any relief from the guilt I carried. Having lived a very dysfunctional and abusive childhood, coupled with early alcoholism, my life was one of torment, guilt, and shame. The baggage I was carrying was literally crushing me. I hated whom I was, and where I came from, and I compounded my guilt by creating different personas; I was living a double or triple life. Existence became unbearable, so it’s no wonder I drank the way I did. Then, I found AA and the 12 steps. As much as it was uncomfortable writing down my inventory and sharing it with another person, this simple exercise changed me forever. After my 5th step, I felt physically lighter. As I was walking back to my car, I felt like I was walking on air, which I now know was a deep spiritual experience. I now share freely at meetings those things I was so hesitant to tell my sponsor, which usually invokes healing laughter. As we let this process work in and through us, the ghosts of our pasts lose their power over us. We are so blessed to have a design for living that frees us from guilt, shame, and the wreckage of what we used to be.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:"I am more and more convinced that our happiness or unhappiness depends more on the way we meet the events of life than on the nature of those events themselves."
Alexander Humboldt
Before the program, life was one struggle after another. Having no meaningful life skills (processing life on life’s terms), I was sentenced to a life of sadness, disappointment, and unhappiness. As I look back, I was an immature and selfish little brat that banged the high chair when things didn’t go my way. They say we stop growing emotionally when we start drinking. I didn’t have the best childhood, but I certainly had one of the longest. The first 25 years of my childhood nearly killed me! Sobriety is the realization that we come into the program with the maturity of a selfish toddler. Getting sober and processing all the garbage I had been carrying, allowed me to grow up into a better person and “gentleman.” The program (steps) and having faith gave me a completely different perspective on life. I used to see life through the dirty filters of fear, resentment and selfishness. Now, I see life as a gift of hope and opportunity. It’s quite remarkable to see how a positive attitude can change your existence. If you want to like the next meeting you go to, try telling yourself “before” the meeting that this is going to be a great meeting. A positive attitude changes everything.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:"Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn’t quite belong. Either we were shy, and dared not draw near others, or we were noisy good fellows constantly craving attention and companionship, but rarely getting it. There was always that mysterious barrier we could neither surmount nor understand. That’s one reason we loved alcohol too well. But even Bacchus (the Greek god of wine) betrayed us, we were finally struck down and left in terrified isolation."
As Bill Sees It, To Watch Loneliness Vanish, p. 90
Sadly, there is a stark irony that alcoholism is a disease of loneliness that the alcoholic treats with isolation. I love the saying that, Isolation is the dark room, where I develop my negatives. As I reflect back on my life, especially before the program, I can see how my self doubts trapped me in isolation and sadness. I heard very early on in the program that we have a disease that takes over, because we are now comfortable in our own skin. That simple statement described me perfectly. I didn’t know what I wanted to be, but I certainly didn’t want to be me. I walked around life comparing my insides to other people’s outsides, which was basically comparing my debilitating insecurities to a beautifully painted landscape. All of us in the fellowship can relate to walking around life three drinks shy of comfortable. When we trust the program process, the miracle of accepting yourself comes as one of the greatest gifts you will ever receive. If I stay in the middle of the program, I know in my heart of hearts that I will be alright and never be alone again.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:When fear persisted, we knew it for what it was, and we became able to handle it. We began to see each adversity as a God-given opportunity to develop the kind of courage which is born of humility, rather than of bravado."
As Bill Sees It, Courage and Prudence, p. 91
If someone would have asked me what I was afraid of before I came into the program, I would have said nothing, I had been hardened by my environment and had no value for my own life. In fact, checking out was a much better option than to continue to live the nightmare of active addiction. Then, in the 4th AA step, I was encouraged to honestly face the fears in my life that were controlling my actions. I also came to the realization that all fears are just future tripping; they haven’t happened yet and are not real. Honestly acknowledging my fears was half the battle. The other half was accepting them and pursuing a deeper faith in God. They say a fear faced, is a fear erased. I am not sure that is always true, but there is some merit in that statement. Once we realize our fears can control our decisions and actions, we can take steps to mitigate those fears, which usually means to walk through them. It’s disheartening to think of all the vanished opportunities in life that were lost to our fears. In sobriety, I try to make my dreams bigger than my fears. I trust that my loving God would not have put that dream in my heart, if he hadn’t also given me everything to live it. I am so glad that I can now embrace my fears as opportunities to live a full and purposeful life.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:"This very real feeling of inferiority is magnified by his childish sensitivity and it is this state of affairs which generates in him that insatiable, abnormal craving for self-approval and success in the eyes of the world. Still a child, he cries for the moon. And the moon, it seems, won’t have him."
LANGUAGE OF THE HEART, p. 102
As we go through life, we are indoctrinated by society norms that tell us that success is determined by your job or how much money you make. These twisted values are an exercise in futility, but we still pursue them with vigor. Thankfully, our program retrains us to put a higher premium on those things in life that matter the most, such as giving, kindness, and lasting serenity. I am not sure there is a measure of success in our program, but long years of sobriety is certainly the goal of many. Lasting contentment seems to me to be the best barometer of a successful life. Brian Tracy once said, Successful people are always looking for opportunities to help others. Unsuccessful people are always asking, “What’s in it for me?” The program has taught us that the road to our happiness is paved by helping others. The gifts we receive by giving ourselves to others are true, meaningful, and lasting. The successes as determined by society are always fleeting and temporary, and this philosophy inevitably leads to a life of frustration and disappointment. On the flip side, the successes we learn in the program are sustainable, but only as long as we are spiritually fit and committed to helping others. I have accomplished many things in life, but by far my greatest success is getting sober, and through our loving fellowship, finding lasting contentment, peace and serenity.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY"In forgiving ourselves, we make the journey from guilt for what we have done (or not done) to celebration of what we have become."
Joan Borysenko
If not for the program, I would not be the person I am today. Today I accept who I am, but that only came after years of processing the haunting terrors of my upbringing, and by facing the all damage I created from my addictions. As we clear the wreckage of our past, we slowly begin to become a completely different person. Our book describes this psychic or personality change as a spiritual experience, and I have come to firmly believe this is one of the most powerful discoveries we can make. So, where does this acceptance of ourselves descend? It starts with a growing faith in God, but this would not nearly be enough without the 4th and 9th steps that help clear away our haunting memories. In the 4th and 5th steps, we admit our part in life situations (resentments), face our fears and faults, and come clean with God, ourselves and another person we trust. Then, we get to make amends in the 9th step, and we continue to make living amends to virtually every person in our lives. Once we honestly take these steps, the only thing left for us is to forgive ourselves. In my experience, when uncomfortable memories pop up, I have had to forgive myself and others yet again, and remind myself that I’m no longer that hurt child or person I used to be. Once I find peace in forgiveness, I can truly accept myself and recognize the more kind, forgiving, and tolerant person that I am today.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY"Sometimes taking somebody else’s inventory can be most beneficial. When I was doing my Fourth Step, an old-timer suggested I list the names of those against whom I held resentments, followed by two or three sentences describing what they had done to earn my displeasure. Then, after putting the list aside for a day, I was to cross off each person’s name and replace it with my own."
Renton, Washington, October 1987, “Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall”, Step By Step
As it did for me, I bet a light bulb went off in your head when you read that quote. It is an epiphany when we begin to realize that what annoys us in others, is usually a reflection of our own character defects. It’s ironic how much our own character shortcomings impact everything in our lives, especially our relationships with others. When we see the good in others, we see the good in ourselves. When we see the negative in others, we usually end up with a reciprocal negative mindset. Life itself is like a mirror. Whatever mood we are in is reflected in our perspective of our surroundings and the situations we face. For this very reason, a positive attitude is essential to a positive life. We can’t possibly have a positive life with a negative mind. Our attitudes are contagious, so we have to ask ourselves, “Is our attitude worth catching?” Today, we can choose to be a dark shadow or that positive reflection in the mirror that casts a kind and caring light over the life we live.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:"Sobriety does interesting things to the mind - clears it up some, lets a bit of honesty and truth filter in, and begins to demand reality."
Vancouver, British Columbia, January 1998, “Reciprocal Strength”, Voices of Long-Term Sobriety
For most, our second year of sobriety gets rough at times, because “life gets real.” With all those I work with in the program, I tell them it’s coming, but most of us have to experience it for ourselves. When we no longer have our only coping mechanism, King Alcohol, we are faced with a barrage of feelings and emotions we’ve never experienced. We break down crying during a simple share at a meeting, or we recoil and isolate when our feelings get hurt. Whatever the case, we have to learn an entirely new way of dealing with our emotions, which usually means walking through some sort of pain or discomfort. We should let our emotions run their course and never apologize for them. If we apologize for emotions, we apologize for the truth. Letting out tears is truthful; suppressing emotions is a form of internal dishonesty. In early sobriety, I struggled with letting my emotions out. It was just too foreign and uncomfortable for me to feel emotions fully. Once I let the program break down my walls of self deceit, I found that I did want to live life fully, and to feel everything, both good and bad. Letting the reality of life into my heart allows me to find a much deeper love and appreciation of my family, friends, others, and the world around me.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:"My soul remained a mystery until my Higher Power settled inside me, appearing to me as a very real feeling of love and caring. Kindness slowly took precedence, and I became comfortable with the idea that I didn’t need a drink.”
Cornwall, Ontario, January 2005, “From Rags to Riches”, Voices of Long-Term Sobriety
Throughout our book, it is made very clear that no human power can relieve us of our addiction. It is also clear that there will come times in which no human power can keep us from picking up that first drink; the one that kills us. When those moments inevitably arrive, we better hope our “spiritual bank” is supplied and that we aren’t getting an “insufficient funds” message. Our entire program and book are about developing spirituality, and a loving relationship with a Higher Power of our own understanding, which the vast majority of us call God. Talking about the spiritual part of the program is like talking about the wet part of the ocean, or the round part of a basketball; it’s everything! Gaining a deep faith is essential to our recovery, but it is also a key element in changing our behavior for the better. I have never met anyone that thoroughly and honestly took all 12 steps and didn’t have a complete personality change for the better. Through the steps, we obtain the courage to become whom we were supposed to be. We come into the program wanting to get sober, but we end up finding a design for living that directs us into becoming kind and caring towards all.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:"I doubt very much that there is a single one of us on our way through the years who does not leave some faint imprint of his creative thinking, some meaningful expression, some small inspired insight as an addition to our healing body of thought. And each contribution is the life-stuff of the AA program. Ours is a living program."
Thank You For Sharing, p. 200
I am quite certain that the world has become infinitely better since the inception of Alcoholics Anonymous. Throughout the world, masses of people have dedicated their lives to helping others. By any measure, AA has made the world a better place to live. But, perhaps the greatest contribution from the tenets of our program has been the impact on each of us individually. Each of us can become very productive members of society. We become, honest, responsible, and accountable, rather than the tornados we were in peoples lives during our active addiction. We bring integrity, care, and kindness into everything we do, and in so doing, we create an environment of support, initiative, and creativity. When failure becomes fatal, innovation dies a hard death. Good AA is good business! Our positive outlook on life, and perspective through the prism of gratitude and acceptance, creates an undeniable spirit of goodwill and achievement. We certainly make a huge impact on our families and friends, but this loving spirit begins to permeate every aspect of our lives. If we stay true to the program, we can’t help but be the best version of ourselves, and a conduit for others to do the same.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:“My sponsor … gave me some good advice. 'Take the words success and failure out of your vocabulary. Replace them with honesty and effort.”
Escondido, CA, August 2001, “Win or Lose”, Emotional Sobriety: The Next Frontier
If you show me someone who is willing to try, despite whatever obstacles there may be, I’ll show you someone who has achieved meaningful things. One of the best examples of someone that failed over and over, but ultimately achieved greatness, was Abraham Lincoln (8 political defeats and a nervous breakdown before becoming one of our greatest presidents). So, success is about learning from our mistakes and moving on to the next challenge in life. It doesn’t matter that we get knocked down; it matters how we deal with that adversity. Thank God the program teaches us to look honestly at ourselves and our part in life situations. Only when we accept our part can we learn from our mistakes. Prior to the program, I blamed everyone except myself for my failures. Getting sober changed everything, and by practicing the principles of the program, I was blessed to achieve a degree of professional success. Due to my program commitment to rigorous self honesty, I had to be completely honest at work, which meant I had to give 100% all the time, even when no one was looking. So, honesty translated into effort, and effort turned into success. A good friend on the program often says, “I’ll give you a dime’s worth of work for a nickel.” That says it all.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:"For myself, I try to seek out the truest definition of humility that I can. This will not be the perfect definition, because I shall always be imperfect. At this writing, I would choose one like this: "Absolutely humility would consist of a state of complete freedom from myself, freedom from all the claims that my defects of character now lay so heavily upon me. Perfect humility would be a full willingness, in all times and places, to find and to do the will of God."
As Bill Sees It, “Perfect” Humility, p. 106
I do not think many practicing alcoholics in the depth of their disease have much humility, nor do they want any. In our disease, we were selfish and completely self absorbed. The smallest package in the world is an alcoholic all wrapped up in himself. The disease of alcoholism brings out the worst in people, and eventually, we alienate every person in our life. Trust gets burned to the ground, and it takes years of sobriety and amends to build that trust back up. When I got to my 6th and AA 7th steps, this question of humility smacked me hard in the face. I knew that in order to stay sober, I would need to find some modicum of humility, but I had absolutely no idea how to get there. By getting rigorously self honest, I was at least able to identify the negative qualities in myself that kept me from getting closer to God and others. You taught me that humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less. More of you, less of me. More of God, less of me. Bill Wilson maintained that he struggled with humility, and I can totally relate. Human nature draws us into self, so it takes a conscious effort to lay aside our selfish wants, and to extend ourselves completely to others. Today, I understand humility as remaining teachable and getting out of self by practicing loving thoughts and actions towards others.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:In 1941, a news clipping was called to our attention by a New York member. In an obituary notice from a local paper, there appeared these words: “God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Never had we seen so much A.A. in so few words. With amazing speed, the Serenity Prayer came into general use. As Bill Sees It, Learn in Quiet, p. 108
For many years, I had the Serenity Prayer prominently displayed on my desk at work. It became a conversation piece at times, or an unexpected 12th step call. For me, it was that simple prayer that brought me so much solace in the face of chaos, tragedy or emotional blow-ups. I learned to slow this prayer down in my head to fully digest each powerful component. It starts with “God,” which reminds me that I have profound faith in my Higher Power. Then, we ask for “serenity,” which tells us that we need to find peace. When we ask “to accept the things we can not change,” we are acknowledging that we have little or no control over people, places and things. “Courage to change the things I can,” is a polite way of admitting that we are better off not trying to change the outcome of everything, and to keep the focus on what we can change, ourselves. Lastly, “the wisdom to know the difference,” reminds us that it may be best to ask God to direct our thoughts and actions. The Serenity Prayer taught me the power in being able to hit the pause button before I sabotage myself (ISM) with hasty judgments or hurtful words. I am so thankful that the early AA pioneers adopted the Serenity Prayer into our program, and with it, they gave us an essential tool for a peaceful life.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:"If I remove my hate and anger, what is left is love. If I remove my anxiety and fear, peace will result. If I believe in God’s promises, the obstacles that I created between God and myself will be lifted. When these defects are removed, then I can start to be an instrument of peace."
Chicago, Illinois, February 2009, A Clean Slate, Step By Step
Without question, my greatest character defect before coming to Alcoholics Anonymous was my anger. As I reflect back, my anger was a way for me to overcompensate for my low self esteem. Sadly, my anger often turned physical, and those memories still haunt me today. Those in the path of my destruction didn’t ever deserve my blowing up at them. I tried to make amends where I could, but many were just strangers that made the mistake of being in the vicinity of an insane walking powder keg. My wife tells me that she saw the good qualities in me (she was my girlfriend before the program), but I mostly just remember my anger causing conflict, embarrassment and alienation. I have heard it said at meetings that the moment we become angry, we are no longer pursuing the truth. Quite simply, anger blots out the truth. You also taught me that no one can make me angry without my permission, and that I am 100% accountable for my actions and reactions. Thank God the program guides us to process our resentments by admitting our part, asking God to remove it, and sharing it with others. The program also directs us to recognize that our character defects have a significant negative ramification on our lives. I am eternally grateful to the program for teaching me how to deal with my emotions, primarily unchecked anger. Where I used to bottle up and store my anger, I now fill that abyss with faith and the fellowship.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:If I remove my hate and anger, what is left is love. If I remove my anxiety and fear, peace will result. If I believe in God’s promises, the obstacles that I created between God and myself will be lifted. When these defects are removed, then I can start to be an instrument of peace."
Chicago, Illinois, February 2009, Clean Slate, Step By Step
Without question, my greatest character defect before coming to Alcoholics Anonymous was my anger. As I reflect back, my anger was a way for me to overcompensate for my low self esteem. Sadly, my anger often turned physical, and those memories still haunt me today. Those in the path of my destruction did not ever deserve my blowing up at them. I tried to make amends where I could, but many were just strangers that made the mistake of being in the vicinity of an insane walking powder keg. My wife tells me that she saw the good qualities in me (she was my girlfriend before the program), but I mostly just remember my anger causing conflict, embarrassment and alienation. I’ve heard it said at meetings that the moment we become angry, we are no longer pursuing the truth. Quite simply, anger blots out the truth. You also taught me that no one can make me angry without my permission, and that I am 100% accountable for my actions and reactions. Thank God the program guides us to process our resentments by admitting our part, asking God to remove it, and sharing it with others. The program also directs us to recognize that our character defects have a significant negative ramification on our lives. I am eternally grateful to the program for teaching me how to deal with my emotions, primarily unchecked anger. Where I used to bottle up and store my anger, I now fill that abyss with faith and the fellowship.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:For most of us, this pair of acceptances (I have a disease, and the existence of God) had required a lot of exertion to achieve. Our whole treasured philosophy of self-sufficiency had to be cast aside. This had not been done with sheer will power; it came instead as the result of developing the willingness to accept these new facts of living. We neither ran nor fought. But accept we did. And then we began to be free.
As Bill Sees It, Freedom Through Acceptance, p. 109
So many of us came into the program as the lone wolf. We either pushed everyone out of our lives with our drinking, or we isolated ourselves with self-pity, selfish, and self-centered behavior. We played the victim card and justified and rationalized our drinking. We constantly complained about our plight in life, but we never took the necessary steps to change. At the end of my drinking, I was a man on a deserted island, alone and filled with sadness and despair. In early sobriety, I heard the song Desperado by the Eagles, and the words stuck in my head. Desperado, It may be raining, but there is a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you, you better let somebody love you before it too late. Accepting help from those in the program was essential to my recovery, but this acceptance also opened my heart to accepting God and other aspects of my life. By coming to the realization that I could not change people, places and things, I was given the freedom of living life on life’s terms. Accepting others and the nature of our disease were the terms of the contract. If you were going to be a part of my life, I had to accept who you were and not try to change you. By accepting you, it enabled me to fully accept myself. That’s a freedom I never thought possible, and it is just one of the many gifts of this amazing program.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:I don’t think we can do anything very well in this world unless we practice it. And I don’t believe we do A.A. too well unless we practice it. . . . We should practice . . . acquiring the spirit of service. We should attempt to acquire some faith, which isn’t easily done, especially for the person who has always been very materialistic, following the standards of society today. But I think faith can be acquired; it can be acquired slowly; it has to be cultivated. That was not easy for me, and I assume that it is difficult for everyone else…"
DR. BOB AND THE GOOD OLDTIMERS, pp. 307-08
As we get sober and start to incorporate the program into our lives, many of us struggle. We have to be rigorously honest in words and deeds. We have to be of service with no expectations of something in return. We have to develop or restore a belief in a Higher Power that will help us stay sober. In short, nearly everything we do and think has to change. This transformation doesn’t happen over night, and it usually takes a good chunk of time and commitment to face these new realities. For most of us, we have to fake it until we make it; take the body, the mind will follow. We learn that we can’t think our way into right actions; we have to act our way into right thinking. The beginning of this process is a full surrender, but this is followed closely by the necessity of clearing our spiritual blockages by taking the steps. Slowly, over time and through consistent action, our working the program turns into the program working us. We don’t necessarily have to consciously apply the principles in our lives, it just comes naturally without thought. Today, if I am not practicing the program principles in my life, I immediately get a sense of discomfort. But, when I allow this program to work in and through me, I get that most cherished outcome, a quiet mind and peaceful heart, and in life, this is a precious gift I never thought possible.
RECOVERY QUOTE OF THE DAY:"We forgot that most alcoholics in A.A. have an earning power considerably above average; we forgot the immense good will of our brother A.A.'s who were only too eager to help us to better jobs when we deserved them; we forgot the actual or potential financial insecurity of every human being in the world. And, worst of all, we forgot God. In money matters we had faith only in ourselves, and not too much of that."
12 & 12, pp. 121
If we stay sober long enough, all of us will experience times in which we lose our priorities and allow money, property and prestige to become the dominant force in our lives. We may even gain momentary euphoria from our achievements, but inevitably, those feelings of gratification are short-lived at best. We become immediately transfixed on the next “want” or “more,” which we know played out so badly when we were drinking. So many of us fall into this trap, and the program and God fall down our list of priorities. We would all be wise to recognize this potential downfall and recommit to the 2nd, 3rd, and 11th steps. If you made an honest list of your goals and priorities in life, would sobriety and a loving relationship with God be at the top, or would it be some materialistic gain? It is clear that we need to pay the bills and be responsible, but it is just as essential that we recognize the grave nature of our selfish minds. I am truly grateful for the program and fellowship, for it saved my pitiful life and transformed my perspective. But, even with this immense gratitude for the program, I still have to make a conscious effort at times to keep God and my recovery above petty selfish wants.
