Quote of the Day: "In forgiving ourselves, we make the journey from guilt for what we have done (or not done) to celebration of what we have become."
–Joan Borysenko–
Recovering alcoholics are very hard on themselves. We come into the program with a massive amount of guilt, shame and wreckage. The steps, especially steps 4 through 10, help us accept and process our pasts, but it is natural to let self doubt creep back in from time to time. This happened to me not long ago, and when I talked to my sponsor about lingering guilt, his response was, “You’ve made your amends, and continue to make living amends, so you have done everything you can. The only thing left for you is to forgive yourself.” I know truly forgiving myself will require a lifetime of positive action in the form of living amends, caring, and helping others. I’ll take that deal! Forgiveness doesn’t change the past, but it will surely shape the future. We are not that same person that came slithering into AA. We are now in a fellowship of men and women dedicated to a spiritual way of life. Eventually, forgiveness makes that long journey from our head to our heart, and “we become free.” I thank God that I’m no longer that person I was, and that I can accept whom I am today, faults and all.
Quote of the Day: "There is no more aloneness, with that awful ache, so deep in the heart of every alcoholic, that nothing, before, could ever reach it. That ache is gone and never need return again. Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the Keys of the Kingdom."
Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, p. 276
Deep inside all of us is a desire to belong. No one wants to be alone and not feel like they belong anywhere, but that is the plight of every alcoholic. Our drinking often times isolated us, but alcohol was only a symptom (p. 64). Our alcoholic minds took us to the darkness of loneliness and despair, which if we reflect back, was probably even there before our drinking started. Our book tells us that we need to get down to the “causes and conditions,” which for the most part comes through thoroughly taking steps 4-10. However, our aloneness is quenched best by the togetherness in our meetings and fellowship with other alcoholics before and after. Our love and laughter are the remedies that cure loneliness and bind us together. In AA, we are truly wanted, needed, and loved. The expression “Keys of the Kingdom” means so many things, but most importantly, it’s being able to live a spiritual life with others. I am so grateful for the enormous family I was given when I immersed myself into this program. Today, I am not alone, and I cherish the fact that I have been given the “Keys of the Kingdom.”
Quote of the Day: "It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are."
–E.E. Cummings–
Whom we were before the program, and whom we are today, are two totally different people. The growth we experience in the program is a complete psychic change that transforms our entire attitude and outlook on life. I relate so much to the aforementioned E. E. Cummings quote; my views on life before AA were cynical, very self centered, and somewhat childish (What’s in it for me attitude). I got sober at 25, and I definitely wasted the first 25 years of my childhood! We hear it all the time in some form or another in meetings – “If we don’t change, our sobriety date will.” Change and growth are essential to recovery. Maintaining sobriety is like feeding a parking meter: it’s all about change. I have grown up in the program, and through the fellowship, I have become a person with a kinder heart, honorable intentions, and contentment from within. My life teachers and mentors have been the elder statesmen in the program that have opened their hearts to me and countless others. I thank God that the program gave me the courage to be true to myself and to become whom I was always meant to be.
Quote of the Day: "These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundations of whatever sort of life we try to build."
As Bill Sees It, Antidote for Fear, p. 196
Until I did my 4th step, I had no idea I had so many fears. In fact, before the program, I would have told you that I fear nothing (tough guy image that almost killed me!). Nor did I fully comprehend how much a “100 forms of fear” dominated my life. When we let our fears dictate our decisions, we can’t possibly meet our full potential, or be truly content. We sell ourselves short and are incapable of breaking out of our tiny fearful existence. For so many people, fear of failure keeps us from taking that giant leap of faith that is required to fully live out our passions and dreams. I love Bill’s analogy of “fears being termites.” Fears are like parasites sucking the life out of us. We feed those parasitic fears with our character defects, and we starve them with their opposites such as courage, love, hope and tolerance. I am so glad I was able to face my fears, work through them, and now live an amazing productive life. There is no doubt in my mind that I owe all of this, and everything good in my life, to the loving guidance from our fellowship.
Quote of the Day: "Until I could honestly look at myself and see that I was the problem in many situations and react appropriately inside and out; until I could discard my expectations and understand that my serenity was directly proportional to them, I could not experience serenity and sound sobriety."
Daily Reflections, p. 71
Until I completed my 4th step, I had no idea that the common thread and root of my destructive resentments was me. To be free, I had to recognize my part and accept my behavior. Only then could I begin to interact with others in a healthy way. I also learned that my part often included “expectations,” which was a dirty word and a euphemism for my selfish, self-centeredness. Our over demanding expectations of ourselves, and others, sets us all up for frustration and a perception of failure. “Expectations are resentments under construction!” Without question, expectations are directly connected to our serenity, and until I could find a realistic balance between expectations and achievement, I could find little peace. I feel so blessed that the program taught me to accept my part in life and to temper my expectations of myself and others. When I make that morning surrender and turn my will and life over to the care of God, for me, the “life” aspect involves turning over outcomes, results, and expectations.
Quote of the Day: "The foundation stone of freedom from fear is that of faith: a faith that, despite all worldly appearances to the contrary, causes me to believe that I live in a universe that makes sense."
AA Co-Founder, Bill W., January 1962, “This Matter of Fear”, Best of Bill
We are in faith, or we are in fear. The more faith we have, the less fear dominates our lives. A child’s fear of the dark is understandable, but an adults fear of the “light of faith,” is just as confounding, limiting, and sad. In early sobriety, I struggled with faith. I had to draw my faith from the strong beliefs of our elder statesmen in the rooms. As I gained sober life experiences, and lived “This too shall pass,” my faith slowly grew. So this business of faith, for me, partially came from experiencing pain and life challenges and coming out on the other side alright, as we always do. Faith requires sober life experiences, and that requires time in the program. This may not be great news for newcomers, but there is much hope for those who are willing to do what it takes to stay sober. My strong faith in God has made life so much easier. Faith is taking the journey with few directions, but knowing you will still find your true destination. Fear pretends to be real, but faith looks inward and provides the warmth of hope. I know whatever life gives or takes from me, I will be fine, and those experiences can be shared with others suffering from similar challenges. Today, I choose to live in faith, not fear.
Quote of the Day: "We are part of the whole which we call the universe, but it is an optical delusion of our mind that we think we are separate. This separateness is like a prison for us. Our job is to widen the circle of our compassion so we feel connected with all people and situations"
Albert Einstein
In our spiritual journey, it’s important to be open minded to other ideas and other’s experiences. In early sobriety, as I was seeking a Higher Power of my own understanding, I was fascinated by books on near death experiences. I met one of the authors that had temporarily died and had gone to the other side, and when we hugged, I got this overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be alright. All the near death experience stories were basically the same and contained the feeling of euphoria and connectedness with everyone and everything. Another book that was very compelling was “Stroke of Insight” by Jill Bolte Taylor. She was a brain researcher and had a stroke in her left side brain, the side that defines self. Having only her right side brain functioning, she described a complete connection with the universe. My point is that we need to remain open to the amazing wonders of God’s universe. When we are in a place of complete love and compassion, we can feel that connection, a feeling I often get sitting in an AA meeting enjoying our laughter, support, love, and fellowship.
Quote of the Day: "There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self."
Ernest Hemingway
The rooms of AA don’t care what you do for a living, how much money you make, or how much stuff you have. I love that we leave all that at the door and become equals in this journey through recovery. The only person you need to be better than, was the person you were yesterday. There is deserved respect for our elder statesmen with decades of sobriety, but that is almost always tempered by a high degree of humility by that old timer. What we all have in common is a desire to grow and change emotionally and spiritually. It’s clear that if nothing changes, then nothing changes, so it’s essential to make that all important commitment to truly evolve from whom we were. When I reflect back on my past, it’s hard for me to fathom or believe how far I have come in sobriety and all the changes in my life. I absolutely love watching the evolution of others in this program; something we rarely recognize in ourselves. In a relatively short period of time, we go from being complete degenerates to responsible, kind, and caring individuals. We transform from being “takers” to “givers,” which we all find to be the key to our peace and happiness. We are truly blessed.
Quote of the Day: "Action eradicates fear. No matter what you fear, positive, self-affirming action can diminish or completely cancel that which you are fearful of."
Mark Victor Hansen
The program has taught us to “suit up and show up.” We also learn to take contrary action, and keep putting one foot in front of the other while continually moving forward. As I reflect back, there were so many times in my pre-program life that I was paralyzed into inaction by my fears, primarily fear of not measuring up to expectations. Life is a self fulfilling prophecy, so our attitudes will inevitably shape our lives. One of my coaches used to say, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t you’re right!” I now know that 100% of the people who don’t try, never achieve their full potential. Embracing the willingness to take action and walking through our fears has been a godsend for me and countless others. More often than not, walking through my fears resulted in some unforeseen positive outcome. Additionally, a strong element of our low self esteem stems from our unchecked fears. Thank God we are encouraged to conduct ourselves in ways that improve our self-esteem, such as helping others, as a guide to improve our sense of self worth and self image. In uncertain times, as issues start to swirl around in my head, I am reminded of a quote by Mark Twain who once said, “I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, and some of them actually happened.”
Quote of the Day: "The moment we catch even a glimpse of God’s will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as the real and eternal things in life, we are no longer deeply disturbed by all the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs. We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter."
12 & 12, p. 105
At a meeting not too long ago, there were a few very raw newcomers that shared their utter despair and lack of hope. The pain in their voices was clear, and I couldn’t help but think, “that was me” when I first came to the fellowship. By fully committing to the process of our program, I was able to climb out of that dark abyss. I have often thought, if only the newcomer could feel for one day, how I feel about the program and life (4th dimension heart, mind and perspective), they would take this more seriously and stay. Don’t leave one second before the miracle! As we stick around, and we gain glimpses of God’s plan for us, we realize life issues become so much easier to face. In addition, when we clear away the wreckage of our past, and let others love us until we can love ourselves, we begin to understand the Great Reality that dwells within us all (p. 55). That reality is that, “Deep down in every man, woman and child is the fundamental idea of God,” and that we are here to practice love, compassion, and tolerance of others. When concern for others supersedes our own selfishness, we are on a much higher plane of existence; one that affords us a sense of peace and serenity, and most importantly, freedom from self.
Quote of the Day: "Many of us don’t understand what forgiveness is all about. It’s not forgetting or dismissing the impact of a wrong. It’s choosing not to let that wrong dominate the future of your life and relationships. Forgiveness is “giving” the infraction to God. It’s as if we’re saying, "Here You go, Father; this is no longer my concern. Please take care of the matter in Your wisdom and according to Your will.”
Best of Bill W.
Most of us come into the program with a major chip on our shoulder. Being mad at the world was an understatement! Our deep resentments against family members or others can be crushing. Our resentments and inability to move on from painful experiences haunts us to the point of life paralysis. One of the first sayings I heard in AA was, “Don’t let people live rent free in your head.” I had whole villages encamped in my head, and I had no idea how to evict them. I now know that If I’m pissed off at someone, my only chance of freedom is to pray for them, admit my part, make an amend where warranted, and forgive. When we forgive, we initially think that we are setting someone else free, only to discover that we were the real emotional hostage. I now realize that forgiving someone does not condone the behavior, it just gives me a level of acceptance, and a healthy way to move on and clear that cancerous hate from my heart. An important aspect of forgiveness is that God forgives us the second we act badly; what we need to do is to find forgiveness of ourselves, which usually comes through our inventory and amends process. Today, I choose to not carry any unnecessary baggage, and by forgiving others, I can set myself free.
Quote of the Day: "Our chief responsibility to the newcomer is an adequate presentation of the program. If he does nothing or argues, we do nothing but maintain our own sobriety. If he starts to move ahead, even a little, with an open mind, we then break our necks to help in every way we can."
As Bill Sees It, Move Ahead, p. 105
When I entered the program, it was very hard for me to ask another man for help. In my neighborhood, asking someone for help was a sign of weakness. So, when it came time to ask someone to sponsor me, I summoned all the courage I had, tripped over my words, and asked him to be my “temporary” sponsor. Now, when someone asks me to sponsor them, I never hesitate to invite them into the family, and try to make them feel as welcome as possible. I know how hard it was for me to ask for help, so I know it’s just as hard for someone else. This may be all the courage they have, and a “no” could send them out the door. For me, sponsoring others is sacred. I hope that the sponsee is open, honest, and willing to do the work, but if they are not, I know they have a minimal chance at long term sobriety, and there is very little I can do to change the foreseeable outcome. They may not stay sober, but I will! As a sponsor, I put into it as much or more than a sponsee, but I also recognize that “we carry the message, not the alcoholic.” I love the healing tradition of sponsorship and the symbiotic relationship that is built between two people. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be sponsored and to sponsor others. The road to my happiness is truly paved by helping others.
Quote of the Day: "When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, . . .”
AS BILL SEES IT, p. 37
None of us came in on a winning streak, so needless to say, we were miles from any semblance of gratitude as newcomers. How refreshing it was to learn that we could find gratitude in everyday living, rather than the cynical or pessimistic view so many of us carried into the program. If you can’t find something to be grateful for, you’re probably not looking hard enough. We learn to write gratitude lists, and an “attitude of gratitude” soon spreads to all areas of our lives. When we allow a positive attitude to permeate our jobs, relationships, meetings, etc., positive outcomes are sure to follow. Lincoln once said that, “Most people in this world are about as happy as they have made up their minds to be." Committing to gratitude is committing to happiness. Our gratitude translates into so many positive attributes, such as a pleasant demeanor, kindness, and compassion. Our success in life, and success in sobriety, begins with hope and gratitude. Let each day be the next masterpiece you paint. How blessed we are to have a program that has taught us such a vital lesson in living a happy and fulfilling life.
Quote of the Day: "The other Steps can keep most of us sober and somehow functioning. But Step Eleven can keep us growing, if we try hard and work at it continually."
Bill W., The Language of the Heart
For most of us, the journey through the steps is nothing short of life altering. We learn things about ourselves that we never knew existed, nor any idea how these things were negatively impacting our lives. We gain so many new freedoms and cherish our new found peace. Our developing belief in a Higher Power keeps us sober and connected to others in the program in a way we never dreamed possible. At a recent book study on Step 11, many members shared similar transformative experiences through deep prayer and meditation. As we clear our spiritual blockages (Steps 4-10), we gain a deeper understanding of God and self. We also gain a willingness to improve our conscious contact with God and relationships with others. Step 11 could be the most powerful step for our continued growth. Our founder, Bill W., was keenly aware of the benefits of prayer and meditation as it relates to us growing
spiritually. Without question, prayer and meditation are game changers. I am so thankful that our founders created Step 11 and all its subsequent benefits. Growing spiritually is just another unbelievable gift we receive in this amazing journey through recovery.
Quote of the Day: "It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities."
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85
Sadly, too many of us relapse back into the darkness. Some make it back, and they all have relatively the same story on why they went out: “I stopped going to meetings”, “I lost my spiritual contact”, and “I wasn’t working a program" are most often mentioned. Despite hearing this over and over, so many of us backslide on our programs, tempting disaster. Those that maintain a spiritual program of action are in the “2B club” – I’ll “B” here when you leave, and I’ll “B” here when you come back. All of us are vulnerable to our disease, and we are lying to ourselves if we think otherwise. We truly do have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Far too many unfortunates have shown us the dire outcome of ignoring this vital principle. What is so ironic is that when we build our spiritual bank to stay sober, our lives also become so much easier to live. So why do we fight this thing? Why is it that we don’t do what we know is right and necessary? Human nature - we’re lazy! For me, praying for the willingness helps. But, by far, my inspiration, greatest peace, and spirituality comes from simply helping others and expressing kindness in life.
Quote if the Day: "Learning is an upward, ever-evolving process. We will never reach the point where we’ve learned all we need to know. Every aspect of life contains lessons. We can choose to discard them or to embrace them. Lessons embraced lead to wisdom."
Mary Morrissey
John Wooden, legendary basketball coach, once said that, “It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.” In other words, we can not learn what we think we already know. Remaining teachable is a challenge for all of us, but it is vital to our growth. We grow, or we go. If we stay open to new ideas and concepts, our lives are enriched in ways we could not imagine. Staying open to further learning also makes meetings more enjoyable, because we are receptive to hear new things, or perhaps a different spin on an old idea. It’s also evident that if we do all the talking, or let the debate team run wild in our head, we aren’t learning anything. When we are in our own head, we virtually shut down the possibility of learning something that could very well save our life. We learn to listen, and listen to learn! At times, I enjoy going to meetings with the mindset that, “I will not share today no matter what, but instead, I will intently listen to others.” I hope I remain teachable for the rest of my life - my humility, happiness, and life depend on it
Quote of the Day: "Go outside, to the fields, enjoy nature and the sunshine, go out and try to recapture happiness in yourself and in God."
Anne Frank
When we come into the program, our lives can only get better. Life issues still happen, but we are so much better off then being in that emotional darkness of our disease. Early in sobriety, we describe it as a “pink cloud,” but that is usually tempered by a warning that, “The road narrows.” As we stay sober, we start taking our new life for granted, and appreciation for our new life dissipates. Taking our new life for granted is a precarious path to take, and we often get too wrapped up in ourselves and selfish motives. Don’t let the life AA gave you, get in the way of your AA life! We might be fine, but we could be setting ourselves up for a slip. One of the blessings of meetings, and hearing the pain of newcomers, is that we are reminded of how bad it was. An infusion of perspective is the exact medicine we need to remind us to appreciate life and all that it has to offer. Anne Frank’s story, and subsequent quote, is so relevant and poignant to recovering alcoholics. Today would be a great day to come out of the darkness, recapture happiness, and embrace our connection to God’s universe.
Quote of the Day: "…And, speaking for Dr. Bob and myself, I gratefully declare that had it not been for our wives, Anne and Lois, neither of us could have lived to see A.A.'s beginning."
THE A.A. WAY OF LIFE, P. 67
Every one of us has someone who helped us to the program. These people believed in us when we had no hope. They supported us emotionally and sometimes financially. We owe a huge debt of gratitude to Bill and Bob, but we also owe their wives, Lois and Anne. I don’t want to ever imagine how bad my life would have been without the program, a program that only exists due to the love and support of two strong and amazing women. Without Lois and Anne supporting Bill and Bob, it is doubtful that the fellowship would have ever achieved the success it has today. My girlfriend, who is now my wife, was there for me when I was at my worst. She took me to my first meetings, encouraged me, and allowed me to grow on my own despite her strong desire to direct my recovery. Thankfully, she had just enough Al-Anon to realize this was a journey I needed to take on my own. I owe a life-long living amends to my wife, and I try to show my appreciation for her every day. Even then, my emotional debt will never be paid, but I have forgiven myself and found my peace. Today would be a good day to express our appreciation to all those that guided us to the program and supported us emotionally and spiritually through this amazing odyssey in recovery.
Quote of the Day: "Forgiveness - I must forgive injuries, not just in words, or as a matter of form, but in my heart. I do this not for the other persons’ sake, but for my own sake. Resentment, anger, or a desire to see someone punished, are things that rot my soul. Such things fasten my troubles to me with chains. They tie me to other problems that have nothing to do with my original problem."
Daily Reflections, p. 88
So many of us come into the program with so many wounds (physical, emotional and spiritual) that our perception of the world is jaded through a prism of anger and resentment. We held onto our “justified” anger like a badge of courage, having no idea that it was killing us, not them! Slowly, we began to trust and interact with others in a healthy way. Our transformation can take months or years, but it is worth the wait and work. How blessed we are to have a program that helps us identify and mitigate our anger and resentments. We have learned that we need to fully forgive, including ourselves, or we will be bound by chains to our negative emotions that are ultimately eroding our souls. It was so freeing, through the teachings of the fellowship, to realize that forgiving is not condoning the behavior; it is just clearing the cancerous hate from your heart. A very wise old timer once told me, “Tonight, before you go to bed, mentally forgive every person that has hurt you in the past.” It is liberating to let go of our anger and hate, and we owe it to ourselves to give it a try.
Quote of the Day: "On his desk, Dr. Bob had a plaque defining humility: “Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble.”
Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, pg. 222
I have never heard a better description of humility. Finding true humility is only possible when you can fully accept yourself, flaws and all. Lack of humility often stems from us over compensating for our low perception of self. Humility is so difficult to have and maintain in this world of the complete opposite. Thank God we have the rooms of AA that allow us to be ourselves and to be able to practice humility without judgment. Bill W. once said that humility and responsibility were essential to recovery. However, he often wrote about the difficulties of his own humility. I too struggle with humility, like so many of us, but I’m committed to keep working towards it. I have to constantly remind myself that humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less. I know that remaining teachable and helping others, coupled with no expectation of receiving anything in return, is my best path to humility. So, I thank the program with all my heart for guiding me towards a life of altruism and humility, which will ultimately take me to that “deep sea of calmness.”
