Hitting the reset button became such a frequent past time I deleted the app off my phone completely and I have drank pretty much every day for the last month. I usually drink 1 bottle of wine (75cl) but on a bad day I can happily polish off 2 bottles and function perfectly well the next day.
I have managed 39 days sobriety in the past and while I was super proud of that, I was disappointed that I didn’t feel fantastic. I was tired all the time, like, really really ready to hit the deck by noon tired. I even went to my doctor in case there was something else going on, anaemia, hypothyroidism, he did a full set of bloods and thankfully all is well. I guess I really wanted to cut out the booze, find that I was full of energy and that feeling would be like a big pay off that would spur me to continue with sobriety. So when I had a drink and felt no worse for wear than if I’d not had a drink, well, I thought I may as well just keep drinking.
But I count up the units of alcohol I drink in a week and I feel ashamed of my lack of control. I should know better, but I get bored, so I drink, or I feel stressed, so I drink. I’m a mum to teens and when I drink they’re usually at home but in another part of the house doing their own thing so they don’t notice (they’re not avoiding me because I’m drinking, they do this when I’m not drinking too). Last night however, I drank a bottle of red wine, then they decided to come watch TV with me. It made me think of when I was young and my dad would come home from the pub slurring his words. I just couldn’t be bothered with him when he was like that and I don’t want my kids to look at me the way I looked at my Dad. I don’t want to normalise this self harming behaviour to them.
I just don’t know how I’m going to crack this. I’m an atheist and as such I really don’t think AA is for me, but maybe I need to explore something else with my doctor (medication maybe). Or check in here daily for support? The frustrating thing is I KNOW I can do this, I just choose not to, time and time again.
The app is reinstalling on my phone as I post this…
I deleted the app 3 times off my phone, but re-installed it every time!
You want to quit, but your subconscious and unconscious mind doesn’t. You need to wrap your head around that to fully understand the tricks your mind is playing on you.
I know I walk to a different beat of the drummer… know matter if I’m 100 days alcohol free or 1 day. I’m always at Day 1. Initially my perceptive was I need to stay sober forever. It didn’t work for me… I got anxious and thought I cured myself by adding days to my counter. It makes it so much easier if I just say I’m on day 1 everyday. My mind doesn’t use numbers to justify me drinking. I treat everyday like day 1.
Welcome back! Learn to trick your mind, the way it tries to trick you. Your smarter than yourself.
The key to freedom is one of the last things you mentioned. You “choose”. I chose as well. You have to change the way you perceive alcohol. If you continue to view it as a reward or something that takes away pain, then you will never be free. Alcohol and it’s effects are nothing but illusions. You need to find out why you truly feel the need to drink so you can begin working on that. Drinking alcohol as a solution is like disabling your check engine light on your car instead of fixing the problem. We are all locked in a cell, but the good thing is is that we all have the key in our possession. Good luck and stay strong.
We want the quick fix, the aha moment right off…that is one of the reasons we drink…for that blitzy aha buzz and the escape of what is (aka your feelings).
Spoiler: there is no quick fix to sobriety. It takes time and effort to get to the I feel great part. Especially if you are still thinking alcohol brings any positive into your life or is a reward.
As @Thomas_Wallace said, you need to figure out why you are drinking…what it is masking for you. And you need to find the reframe, because honestly, that shit is killing you.
Life DOES get way better…stick with it. We all travel our own road, but you will find lots of info on navigating early sobriety on here.
Thanks all for the wise words. I’m just back from a restorative holiday where I drank very moderately (if at all). I’m disappointed that I slipped back into my old habit so easily, but I’m not going to beat myself up, because the self reflection has brought me back here and this is exactly where I need to be. As I’m off work I’ve organised some activities this week to keep me occupied and booze free; a friend is coming for lunch, another friend is going to the cinema with me and I plan to book a yoga session on Friday night. I can’t drink through boredom or stress if I have the foresight to stop myself being bored and stressed.
Wine was my drink of choice but my downfall was binge drinking and it didn’t really matter what alcohol it was. I am an atheist too so AA doesn’t really appeal to me even though I know they couldn’t care less if you worship a rock, it’s not so much about God - just that there is a higher power more than yourself to help you. But I can tell you with 100% honesty, I **could not ** continue sobriety without the support of this community on talkingsober. I am on this app every day. I keep on in the background when I’m at work. I’ve connected with so many great people, read so many relatable stories, and posted many of my own stories and thoughts on here and I am pond consistently met with enormous support.
I Myself only went to meetings the first 7mths. My last drink 10/15/12 I went to my first meeting month after had stopped and made it a constant weekly. My good buddy of mine who also had a drinking problem which he never looked to help his. But was always my cheering squad when came home. He would greet me at the door always saying “Wish could go with you buddy.”
Meetings were my weekly thing but I was losing the feeling for them. Sitting with my group of 8 and always just talking about what makes you wanna drink. The whole time knowing nothing would make me start again. It just wasn’t for me anymore. There is one thing l will add my cheering squad buddy killed himself drunk driving alone crashed head on into parked car. 3/8/13. I did bring this to my meeting him passing on a Friday my meetings on Tuesday. I was a mess and everyone would’ve thought I’d definitely drink. It wasn’t happening. My friends passing is my main reason I’ll never go back.
I kept going to the meeting given what had happened to me. But " This is just me" they all talked if things that might make them still need the drink knowing l never would. So rather then become resentful of them l chose to stop going.
Meetings aren’t for everyone if you want to quit and there’s something strong enough to keep you stopped you will. We all have the ability to stop anything. But there are also those things in life that need more attention then others. Best of luck hope you find the something that helps you to stay stopped☺
Well I can tell you that the lethargy does pass…it just seems like it takes forever. I was the same way the first like 2-3 months. I remember feeling very frustrated because I finally was doing everything right and I still felt like crap. You just have to let things run their course. Years of downing alcohol definitely takes its toll on the body and it can take a while for all the toxins to work their way out of the body.
Perhaps doing some research on how alcohol physically effects the body will help you stay strong through early sobriety. Also, there are lots of resources (other than AA) to check out. Smart Recovery, Women for Sobriety, etc. There are tons of resources on this thread:
Yes however it doesn’t give you carte blanche to continue down your slippery slope of relapse. BTW, something different this go around, GET and STAY SOBER. If I appear to be a dick it’s because I’m a dick who cares about YOU! Big hugs, Hammer.
I’ve had a look at that crisis plan and it’s really useful, thanks for sharing it @MissQuinn. I actually work in healthcare, I carry out alcohol brief interventions with patients and discuss alcohol harm and the Blue Man etc.
I kept busy yesterday, I went to the gym and I’ve arranged some yoga classes to see me through the week. I’m meeting with a few different friends over the course of the week too; one is a relatively new friend I met through work, who began her own sober journey soon after we met. I’ve also got myself some nice cordials to make myself long drinks in the evening and I’m going to work on re-establishing good sleep hygiene - bed and a book at 10pm - if I’m tired then I’ll feed my body the sleep that it needs to heal.
Ive recommended ito much on this site, but read the book “The Naked Mind”. Im 50% through the book and it has helped.
Im also in your shoes, i really could of drank a bottle of wine tonight, but something stopped me.
Day 4.4 and it’s really not occurred to me to have an alcoholic drink. I have been practicing my yoga and have found on two occasions when faced with a stress tigger I’ve automatically taken a big deep breath, much preferable to reaching for a large glass of wine!
To the more seasoned users of this site, which is the most appropriate board to post on for support as I maintain, this relapse business is behind me
Day 7. I’d a wee breakthrough last night. I was out and ordered steak for dinner, considered having a red wine with it, one glass wouldn’t hurt I told myself, but when I was about to order it, in the split second between thinking it and saying it, the thought “you’re making a choice” popped into my head and my mouth said “sparkling mineral water”
