Welp I relapsed. I was two weeks sober and I had a full blown relapse. Complete blackout and I’m pretty sure I was roofied and possibly assaulted but I have no idea for sure.
This was two days ago but I plan to call my gyno today and make an appointment for an std panel test.
I am just feeling so depressed. Having trouble focusing on anything and I can’t seem to leave the house.
I’m so sick of struggling. How can I possibly heal from past trauma if I continue to add more trauma to my list.
Please help! Any words of wisdom or encouragement is appreciated.
Welcome back @HannahSara7
Do you have spaces for support outside talking sober? A meeting you can attend regularly? A space to go when you feel things getting shaky and you need to get your feet back on the ground? (We chatted about support earlier this year: Really need support - #30 by HannahSara7)
There’s online spaces, including this 24 hour meeting for women:
(There are other 24 hour meetings too if needed.)
It sounds like your addiction whispered to your ear that being numb was better than being alive & healthy. Our addictions lie to us. We need to take a stand against that asshole.
It definitely lies to me. I struggle with even recognizing that I’m getting shaky or close to a relapse.
I’m looking into outpatient treatment programs but right now I’m struggling to do anything because I have a lot of fear from the consequences of my actions. No desire to drink again though.
I’ll attend an online meeting tonight and hopefully that will help some.
One of the nice things about having a pattern of attending meetings is it’s like training yourself to think in a new way. You can get awareness that helps you stay safe
Done give up. Take it one day at a time
Sending big hugs I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time, and I’m glad you reached out. These days after a big relapse are some of the toughest. They are still so fresh in my mind. I too have been in a situation where I couldn’t remember the night before and what happened, many times. I know it may be small but the only advice I can give you is to really feel into this feeling and allow it to flow through you. You’re not broken. You’re strong and very, very brave. Keep reaching out and feel free to message me if you need to vent or need some extra support.
@HannahSara7 I am so sorry to hear you may have been assaulted. I am praying your tests come back fine and you can get back to your sober journey with peace of mind. Sounds like you really need a support network that can help you in times when you are not feeling strong enough to resist the urge to drink and recognise the warning signs of relaspe. There are always signs but it takes time and support to recognise them. AA groups are the support you need to remain on track. They will give you support and tools to fight this battle and you dont ever have do it alone again. The emotional fallout from this possible assualt will make you vulnerable to relapse my lovely. Seek out someone to talk to about it and be gentle with yourself. Sending you love, support and encouragement
Thank you so much for your kind words It means the world to me feeling supported right now.
Thank you so much I feel depressed but ready to get back on track again.
Just don’t give up! You can do this, you are so worth it and this is the time to heal. Healing takes time and you are doing it, Just focus on the healing and don’t give up!
You are so supported. These things are so so tough and you’re not alone.
Thank you everyone!! I feel so much better reading all of your kind words I will get through this no matter what. I’ll keep y’all posted! It helps me to talk through this Please keep me in your prayers.
I had a small urge to drink tonight to get through my uncomfy feelings and I didn’t so I’m proud of that. Going to bed early instead!
Update: I was able to get some support from my gyno nurse and be put on PEP just in case I was exposed to anything if I was assaulted.
Today was hard. I just want to know that I’ll be okay and yet I still have to day to day function without knowing. It is increadibly difficult
I’m so glad you were able to get medical help from your doc.
You’re taking steps in the right direction and small steps are better than falling backwards.
I’m proud of you
Thank you Jamie! Your kind words and support mean a lot to me right now
Update: I am awaiting test results tonight. Usually the receptionist just tells me I’m negative for everything but this time she said she couldn’t see my chart and the doctor will call me. I’m having an internal freak out. I can’t eat, I can’t focus on anything. I went shopping and that helped a little but I’m feeling very fragile. I’d hit a meeting but I don’t think I’m down to be around strangers right now cause I’ll tell them what’s going on and it’s too much to dump on people that don’t know me.
Christmas music is helping for now. Maybe I’ll watch a Christmas movie to pass the time. The doc may not call me back till tomorrow - maybe that’s a good thing, I think they call right away if it’s bad news.
You hang in there. Glad you stayed sober. Glad you are going to meetings. So sorry.
Hey @HannahSara7 just wanted to see how you’re holding up.
I am holding up okay! All my tests came back negative. I plan to get tested in a few more weeks as precaution. Mentally, I am doing much better- I started going to the gym again and am finding it easier to be more positive. I know there will be good and bad days but the holidays are my favorite time and I find it easy to stay on track when I have things to look forward to.