Welcome back @HannahSara7 
Do you have spaces for support outside talking sober? A meeting you can attend regularly? A space to go when you feel things getting shaky and you need to get your feet back on the ground? (We chatted about support earlier this year: Really need support - #30 by HannahSara7)
There’s online spaces, including this 24 hour meeting for women:
(There are other 24 hour meetings too if needed.)
It sounds like your addiction whispered to your ear that being numb was better than being alive & healthy. Our addictions lie to us. We need to take a stand against that asshole.