Haha, 10! Earthlings.
I thought people would like that.
Thanks for chiming in. I knew we had someone here with a very similar story but couldn’t remember who it was. I totally agree that people with this addiction can best relate to those of the same sex. Glad you two have connected!
I am, and always have been a serial monogamist. Even back in my youth. One relationship at a time, regardless of whether it lasted a couple weeks, or decades. Was never much for the one-night-stands, and it was never my intention going into one, for it to end up as one, even if that’s what it ended up being (if that makes sense). Never had the “purely physical” relationship, either. If a physical relationship was short-lived, it was because one of us didn’t see a future with the other, and ended it before one of us got in too deep. Dated a single mom for a short period. Can’t really call it “dating” though, as it was tough for her to get out. She was perfectly content for me to come spend the night, and leave early in the morning…“no strings, no pressure” she said. The thing was, I wasn’t content with that, but also understood that I could never come first in her world. So, it ended with her telling me I was a foolish romantic, that there were tons of men who’d kill for just such a relationship, which is likely true. I told her, “well, maybe you should find one then, because that’s not me.”
That lady sounds weird. I guess I don’t relate to people that dont want a meaningful deep relationship, with true love and caring. I’ve always been like that too. Foolish romantic or no, I think you had your priorities straight.
I wouldn’t classify her as weird. More like she wanted male company on her terms, which would fit within her lifestyle as a single mom, while perhaps not scaring away a prospective sex-partner with all the stuff that revolves around a single-parent household…or she was baiting a bear-trap with honey. I didn’t feel right taking advantage of the situation, her statements notwithstanding, and I didn’t want to be “Uncle Stevie” either. I didn’t think I was being foolishly romantic either. Her life wouldn’t permit traditional dating, and that was what I was seeking. She had to put her kids first, and I supported that sentiment, but I wasn’t a “boy toy”, and I at least wanted the chance to be #1, so the relationship was a short one.
That would have been a difficult relationship to work it sounds like. At the same time, from what you said, it sounds like she wasn’t really interested in a relationship at all. Not something that someone who is serious deserves.
Smiled when I read this,cuz you kinda reminded me of myself or aspects of my life I guess. It’s challenging when you want more from someone than they’re willing to give, but it’s good to be realistic and not drag things out unnecessarily long when you’re pretty sure it won’t work. Maybe if she was willing to make more sacrifices in the hopes of both of you being happy,it might have worked. Anyway I wish you and all of us here hoping to one day get married,to find the one that’s right for us
I’ll just speak from my own life experience as being like that woman. Somewhere early in my life i had it drillled into me that close relationships with men were unsafe. And then I proceeded to prove it to myself over and over again by falling for the wrong men and getting my heart shattered so deep and painfully that my chest literally hurt and I thought I might actually die. (I know that sounds extreme, but it was very much how I felt). After going through that a couple times one learns to put up high walls and keep potential heartbreakers at bay. What results is a huge fear of commitment and a fragile broke heart covered in cement. I eventually (almost successfully) convinced myself that one night stands, f@ck buddies, and meaningless flings were all that I wanted. All the while dying inside that no one would love me. More accurately no one could love me, seeing as I would push them away so fast the minutes they even began to try to scale my walls. I’m only now looking back and seeing my selg destructive behavior for what it truely was. A scared hurt little girl trying desperately to protect her fragile shattered soul. Maybe cut us a little slack. ;-/
I’m in no way disparaging what you’ve gone through. I get that there are a lot of traumas that one can go through. It was merely banter. Sorry if I offended you.
We are all broken in our own ways. Every single person. And in our broken states. We end up harming others, which seems to be what @Yoda-Stevie went through. Perhaps not, but maybe.
Na not offended. Perhaps a little defensive…was just letting you see it from a different point of view. You said you didn’t understand why some people don’t want a meaningful deep relationship with true love and caring like you do. Well there is always a deeper reason and most probably would actually love that but don’t see how it is possible. 9/10 in situatuons like these women are simply reacting to some past experience with a man. Was just trying to shed some light on what could be her reason and what def has been mine for avoiding meaningful deep relationships with the opposite sex.
Oh, but my story has a very happy ending…that is still going on. About a year later, I met a woman, and I felt the universe crack. One year later, we married, and just celebrated 19 happy years of marriage.
We are, at the most basic level, the sum of our experiences. So many things can influence how we approach physical and emotional relationships, and unless we are willing to face our past, be mindful of how it effects our present, and determined not to let it dictate our future, we can find ourselves in the same situation over and over.
My best friend and I went through our divorces together, while in the Marines. I knew his first wife before they split. Years later, he introduced me to a woman who would become his 2nd wife. He asked me for my honest opinion. I told him “She reminds me of your ex-wife…a lot”. 5 years later, he’s falling apart, because he had indeed married someone just like his first wife, and the relationship was ending in divorce.
Those who ignore their own history, can doom themselves to repeat it.
And that is why I’m so grateful for my 12 step program. I’m finally facing my past and working on changing and healing me so my future can be less fucked.