Just wanted to check on you and see how you’re doing. I hope you’re feeling better about things. 
Thank you man. Thanks.
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Ive been wanting to add to this, but I’ve been working for the last several days.
I feel I have more valuable information to share about what happened after I acted upon my decision to try and drink like a gentleman after being sober for nearly a decade.
I shared how I had been very active in AA. I thought if my experiment didn’t work out I would be able to quit drinking and come right back. No big deal.
The first time I drank, It was two 20oz Hefeweizen Beers. My favorite. I had a carving studio. It was my safety zone. I drank them there. I drank them slowly listening to music while visualizing some sculptures I had been working on.
The beers were delicious! I didn’t drink them fast. I took my time and enjoyed them. My mind told me that this is what I have been missing. This is awesome! I had the “perfect” buzz. Nothing bad happened.
I had made a list of rules before I took the first drink. I had put a lot of thought into those rules. The main ones were only occasionally, never in the morning and no black outs. I told myself if I ever blacked out again that this experiment was over. No hard alcohol was another rule. Only beer.
The golden rule was no drugs!
I had many other rules. I payed close attention when people shared about relapse. My alcoholic mind manipulated that information is a guide of what not to do instead of advise. In early recovery it was advise. I wasn’t scared anymore. The fear fades over time.
I didn’t drink for at least a week I don’t remember exactly how long, but it was long enough that I had attended the two AA meetings I went to regularly. Monday night and Thursday night.
In the meetings I felt extremely uncomfortable.
This had been my home group for eight years. I was a respected member of the group. I had been around long enough to have been a positive influence for many people with less time than me. I had sponsees. I dont really like the term sponsor or sponsee. I prefer friends that I helped walk through the steps or recovery mentors.
Anyways, the people I helped through the steps looked up to me. I felt extremely uncomfortable around them. I already knew that my mentors wouldnt co-sign my decision so I felt uncomfortable around them. Those two beers alienated me from my army of support.
My meetings were Monday and Thursday. The following Saturday night, I went to the bar. I had fun! I felt like I had been denying myself of lifes simple pleasures for a decade! I would never do that again. I walked away from AA and all those friendships. I didn’t even look back.
Hindsight being 20/20, they were the best friendships I’ve ever had.
I managed to drink responsibly for a while, but it was more than a couple of beers each time. Eventually I was drinking twenty plus beers, taking shots, blacking out and breaking every rule I made. Within a year.
This should be where I recognize that my experiment is proving that I’m an alcoholic and that I should quit while I’m ahead. Nothing bad has happened as a result of my drinking… Yet…
Instead, my alcoholic mind made it into failure is not an option. My alcoholic mind told me that AA didnt work. My alcoholic mind was going to make this experiment work.
I spent eight years stuck in that mindset.
When things got bad I tried to go back to AA.
I had been drinking for about three years. When I started drinking I was pretty happy. I didn’t start drinking to numb anything. Once my alcoholic demon was released I did. The holidays were what got me. Missing my kids. Drink. Drink until you cant feel.
My brother committed suicide about three years into my relapse. I dove deep into the bottle. I was out of control. That was the first time I almost drank myself to death. I went back to AA. I looked like death made it 87 days. My 30, and 60 day milestone celebrations meant nothing to me. I had walked away from my 10 year milestone…
I remember thinking about my ten year milestone as I was drinking those two beers. Wondering If I’d ever get so close to ten years sobriety again. I decided if my experiment worked and I wasn’t really an alcoholic then it wouldn’t matter.
At 87days I decided my 90 day token didn’t really matter. My alcoholic mind mocked sobriety time after I had walked away from almost ten years.
My alcoholic mind wouldn’t allow me to reconnect with AA. I still struggle with that.
I had come close to drinking myself to death a few times since then.
I broke my golden rule about six years into my relapse. I did some drugs. I didnt go off the deep end with the drugs, but if I was drunk enough and they were around, I did them.
My last two relapses were short and terrible. I have fear back on my side which is nice. It helps alot! On my final relapse I proved to myself without a doubt that I’m a real alcoholic.
Chapter 3: More About Alcoholism
"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed."
Fully conceding to my innermost is the step before the steps. It took every one of those relapses to get me to see this, feel it and know it applies to me.
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Thanks for sharing Jason. Very very powerful. Lately in my brain I keep wondering why someone picks up after all the sober time he/she accumulates. And will I be one of them? Why not? I’m not going to today I know that. Probably not tomorrow either. But that drinking brain keeps wondering about it. And the logical brain knows it won’t work. But it appears that doesn’t matter.
I’ve already listen to chapter 3 three times now. I have to admit I chuckle at the excuses or rules we try and set. “I’ll just drink beer”. I’ll just drink when I’m out” “as long as I don’t have any liquor.” “I’ll put it in my milk 
” It seems like that alcoholic maddening brain just trying to find one tiny little crack. I’m doing chapter 5 today. Even though I have great faith in God I loved chapter 4. And still loving your idea of the audio big book. I look forward to it every day on my walks.
Thanks again for your powerful shares. It is greatly appreciated.
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Jason, your honesty, openness and well written post is amazing. Thank you for sharing more of your story. I gained strength and a healthy dose of fear by reading it. Once more, the pages of the Big book have proven itself to be almost prophetic. If we are truly alcoholic there is no hope to drink like other men and Ill admit, it scares me. I have been in and out of AA for almost three decades. I have made the promises and meant them. I have looked people in the eyes and made them believe this time I meant business. Time after time I eventually believe the lies and once again pick up a drink. This is why I feel so strongly about this post. I was never able to drink like other people but I never stop wanting to. I honestly believe that if I go out again I won’t make it back. Everytime it gets worse never better and last time out almost killed me. I just pray that I can keep the strength to not pick up again. I do know that if I work the program I can have a life free of booze. In the past I always stopped doing the things that were working. I put other things in front of my sobriety knowing full well what would happen. Yes! THIS IS INSANITY. I have today and because of AA and people such as you to talk with, I have a chance. Thank you for your post. I know it helped me and I’m grateful for it.
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Exactly what I needed.
I really hope other people add to your topic. It’s always great to see a new post here.
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I listened to chapter four a few days ago too. I enjoyed it. It had been a while, and I liked it alot. I should listen to chapter five today.
First paragraph…
RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."
My inner alcoholic tries to play the maybe your just one of these “unfortunates” card. 
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Fear is good! Im greatful to have the fear in me again. I hope I never lose it.
Now that I’m getting grounded in recovery again, I realize the importance of working with new people. Listening to their stories, watching them tremble with their bloodshot yellow eyes three days without a drink.
I browse the forum every day. you can see it here, but the impact is much more powerful in person. I want to step up my in person recovery game. I was able to go to some meetings last summer. It was good for me. Recovery camping events are cool. Hopefully Covid allows them this summer. Even if you don’t camp and make it to a fireside meeting its pretty powerful.
I remember attending big events and how powerful that was too. AA conventions often have a sobriety countdown. Powerful!
This thread has helped me too. Thank you!
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I get to 4 in person meetings a week. I only say this for myself but I don’t think I’d last very long if I didn’t go. It’s the only medicine that seems to work for me. I hope I never stop going.
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I live in a small town. Looking back I wasnt getting anything new. I had heard our small regular fellowship over and over. The newer people that I had helped had been around for a while. I had done business dealings with a couple different old timers there and knew they were full of shit about practicing principles in their life.
There were no new people coming through the doors.
A couple of my best mentors had quit going too. Both of them got burned out on AA. Both have 30 plus years. Neither one of them cosigned me entertaining the idea of drinking like a gentleman. So, I quit seeking advise. After the carving show my inner alcoholic nurtured that seed until it grew.
Relapse starts with a thought.
One of those recovery mentors works at the dock. He is a crane operator. I see him almost every evening he lands our boat. We talk recovery when we get a chance. He’s rooting for me. Its nice to have him there when I get home. Fellowship is good to have.
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Thank you for sharing. I often have difficulty to stqy concentrated. I was here. Thank you 
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i Just re read this thread. Ive been working and I missed some of this.
Coming off of meth is hard, especially if you have been experiencing psychosis. It took days for me to start to come back to reality. Catching up on sleep was a big help. Even then I had trouble figuring out what was real and what was hallucinations.
I felt disconnected from everything. I was paranoid. I had huge anxiety attacks. Impending doom anxiety. It took a couple of months for me to feel somewhat normal. During this time its really easy to use again because it feels like it will never get better.
The drug temporarily shuts down the brains ability to make dopamine. It takes time for it to heal and start working again. How much time is different for everyone. A lot of it depends on how long you used.
We can heal and we can recover, but we cant if we keep using. if you stay clean for two weeks and use again any healing that may have occurred gets damaged again. Maybe worse because the self loathing and self hatred grow stronger.
I know its hard to imagine ever feeling good again in early recovery. But we can. I do. Some days i feel really good. Natural highs. Other days I still feel down. Buts its not like it was in the first few weeks or months. I dont self loathe anymore. Im actually feeling proud of myself these days more than I can remember in a long time.
I cut all ties with meth users and dealers. If I suspect its around. I leave. another factor I had to learn the hard way is that if I drink, Im alot more likely to get high.
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That’s the beautiful thing about this program. We are all so much alike. We find power together because we are all the same. Sure we are individuals, each with our own problems and needs but there are many things we share. Left to my own devices I would be drunk. By joining in I have found a family. People that want me to succeed even when I don’t see a way of doing that. People who are willing to love me even when I feel unlovable. The greatest gift we can give is our experience, strength and hope. By giving it away I recieve two fold and that’s how we stay sober. When all else fails work with another alcoholic or addict will save the day. That is how I stay sober. By being of service to someone else. Stay connected and trust in something bigger than yourself. You can do this!!
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Jason your story never ceases to inspire me and I have no doubt that it is playing a very large part in helping me maintain sobriety.
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Together we are stronger! 
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Amen brother
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Hi!!!
Thank you so much for posting this. By the grace of my higher power, the rooms, and fellowship I have 4.5 (ish) months today. I am on step 4 and have not thought more about relapse and cocaine than I have on step 4. I never had the desire to do drugs and I’m a unicorn I guess they say who drank only and smoked weed; but both I did out of control and A LOT.
Step 1-3 was easy. I have never wanted to get wild and drink and high more than on step 4.
I feel like I am hanging on by my teeth. I am doing everything I need to do, and working the program, but the mental obsession is still there- like “can I really get through this without relapsing???” Am I strong enough? We hear a lot about relapsing in the rooms and there is absolute no disrespect to those who have as it is part of their recovery.
I feel like the enemy is playing tricks on me telling me a relapse is necessary to truly be “in AA”- it’s all so dysfunctional. I have not relapsed since I started AA, but I swore off drinking 10 million times in the past and went out 11 million more.
It’s just exhausting. I am in my apartment prepping for the week and trying to kill time until the next meeting.
I am sending so much love and light to all- whether we have releasped or not, whether we just came back from one or not; all advice is welcome. My brain hurts.
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so I guess for me I struggle with a lot of curiosity because I didn’t do drugs I just did a lot of weed and drank out of control. But once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic- I know damn well weed, shrooms, whatever else will be just like drinking and be chaos too.
I got sober at a time I wasn’t super done with it all, and honestly, I don’t think I will ever be done mentally I pray this obsession lifts through the steps and time sober.
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Many people stumble on step four. The biggest reason is they sit on it for too long. Sharing their inventory with someone else in step five terrifies them. They stir up all that shit and hang onto it.
It purpose is to bring all the negative things we carry about ourselves to the surface. These are the reasons we feel bad about ourselves. Im a piece of shit I might as well stay drunk.
Some of its subconscious.
Sobriety can bring back memories we forgot about. If we don’t address these things, its easier to feed the thoughts about continuing to get loaded. To keep trying to numb it.
When we share it with another we realize that its ok. The past does not define us. We get if off our chest. We realize we are just human and humans make mistakes. We become willing to right our wrongs when we can. We let go of the guilt and shame that feeds our addiction. Those things lose their power over us. Our self esteem improves. it builds a foundation to build our recovery on.
Step four and five go hand in hand. Unless we sit on step four. If we do we give our addictions the advantage.
If we do an honest step four and five, then step six and seven are as easy as steps one, two, and three,
after getting through step five was when I really felt recovery having a positive effect on me. I was recovering from a seemingly hopeless state of mind.
Step eight and nine can seem as hard as four and five, Don’t let it be. You’ve already felt all negative feels that step four brought up. Eight and nine will put them behind you. then your to the maintanence steps which are also easy ones. ten eleven and twelve.
I’m a recovering cocaine addict. The cocaine is further behind me than alcohol. I snorted and smoked cocaine. I’ve never injected any drugs. My alcoholic/addict thinking has whipped out the you might as well try it idea in recovery more than once. I relate to you thinking about stepping it up to cocaine. I haven’t ever acted on it. Neither should you.
Cocaine will take you on a ride you will regret. It could introduce you to meth like it did me. You don’t want to go there either.
The legal drug alcohol is hard enough. I haven’t done cocaine for 20 years. I haven’t done meth for two and a half, and I’m one year eleven months sober from alcohol.
I was 100 percent sober from everything for nearly ten years but I was dumb enough to think I could drink like a gentleman which led me to being dumb enough to do some drugs again. Unfortunately relapse is a part of my story. It wasn’t worth it.
It was way harder for me to get sober again than I ever imagined it could be. I do not recommend.
Don’t let step four trip you. Your doing great!
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Hi thank you so much for your open and honest account I really appreciate it and I’m so glad to hear you’re maintaining your sobriety.
I will be doing my 5th step this weekend at the top of a hike and I’m really excited 
I have heard once you get through that it starts to feel freeing and I’m really excited about that.
Thank you so much! I’ll check back in and see how you’re doing
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