Totally.last summer I was working with a sponsor. He suggested i read the index and highlight everything they i related to so we could talk about it.
I thought it sounded like the stupidest assignment I ever heard.
It was a great assignment. We ended up with alot to talk about.
Great idea. I’ll remember that
Thank you so much for saying this, I am back starting at day 1 but am acutely aware of the dangers of intoxication for me with my disease. I needed to hear wgat you had to say, so thankyou
Welcome back Anjiek. I’m glad you are here. We all help each other
Thank you for sharing that jason 
Your welcome!
Early on and I mean years ago I always thought of hitting bottom as a skid row bum drinking out of a paper bag. Then I was told that you hit bottom when you make the decision to stop digging. That hit me hard. I don’t personally know anyone on here but I pray no one ever has to go through even half of what I did. This is truly very simple but it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Worth it though.
I’ve thought about this a lot since you posted it. Any one of us could be that guy sitting on the street. In the past I’ve deserved to be that person and worse. We have a daily reprieve now and if I don’t drink I have a chance to become the best me possible. When I’m drinking it’s a ticking time bomb with the outcome being nothing but questions.
What a great topic, thanks to everyone for sharing. Starting to realize the enormity of the monster I’m battling with. The utter seriousness of it. Have to admit I’ve been off the rails and lost count of the resets I’ve made since, back @ day 1 again today. After reading this I honestly feel more determined to choose myself and recovery.
We have much in common. I’m 47 now. Been dealing with addiction since I was 19. My biological father died of alcoholism and I was well on my way. The night before I got sober I was in a shitty motel with no more money for another night. I was at my lowest point. All I could think to do was kill myself or ask for help. Thank God I went to the hospital and began this amazing journey. It hasn’t been easy at all but it’s been worth it to say the least. I truly believe if I ever went back out I would drink myself to death. I am out of chances and I only have one choice now. Sobriety. I’m ready for life to finally be what it was ment to be.
Hi Fnkychic. I’m sorry you’re going through this. What made you angry? I would love to talk about it if you would like to
I will only speak for myself here. I think people do care. We who have been in hell and walked out the gates understand all too well what you’re experiencing right now. No. Relapse is not part of sobriety. It’s a symptom of the disease. My alcohol and drug abuse was never my main problem. It was a misguided attempt to fill a void deep inside. All the self loathing, the fear of almost everything and everybody. The feeling that I could never fit in. I was always on the outside looking in. Never good enough. Never smart enough or funny enough. Definitely not good enough to be loved. All these things and more were my real issue. I have a living problem. A thinking problem. I had to go deep inside and ask myself why. Until I could do that I I didn’t have a prayer. I had to stop trying to run the show. I had to honestly admit that my life was completely unmanageable and if I kept going down the same path I would always get the same results. I always fuckrd up again and again. Every time I went back out things would get just a little worse. Every time I would say this time it will be different. This time I will not let it get out of control. It was all lies and bullshit because it always got worse eventually. Today I have hope because I’ve found a way that works for me. I will never say there is only one way to achieve sobriety. I just know that this is working for me and I don’t want to mess with it. I am finally starting to love myself. I still struggle. I still hear the voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough and I dont deserve to be happy but for today I choose not to listen to it. I finally realized that I deserve to be happy. I deserve good things in my life. You do too. We all have one thing in common. We suffer from addiction. That’s what gives us power by being together in this and not alone. I can’t do this but WE can. I need you and everyone else. I use this to gain strength. You can to if you let us help you when you need it. I know this life is within reach. I just can’t let go
You are not alone!!!
Amen Jon, much respect… 
I totally agree.
Just wanted to check on you and see how you’re doing. I hope you’re feeling better about things. 
Thank you man. Thanks.
Ive been wanting to add to this, but I’ve been working for the last several days.
I feel I have more valuable information to share about what happened after I acted upon my decision to try and drink like a gentleman after being sober for nearly a decade.
I shared how I had been very active in AA. I thought if my experiment didn’t work out I would be able to quit drinking and come right back. No big deal.
The first time I drank, It was two 20oz Hefeweizen Beers. My favorite. I had a carving studio. It was my safety zone. I drank them there. I drank them slowly listening to music while visualizing some sculptures I had been working on.
The beers were delicious! I didn’t drink them fast. I took my time and enjoyed them. My mind told me that this is what I have been missing. This is awesome! I had the “perfect” buzz. Nothing bad happened.
I had made a list of rules before I took the first drink. I had put a lot of thought into those rules. The main ones were only occasionally, never in the morning and no black outs. I told myself if I ever blacked out again that this experiment was over. No hard alcohol was another rule. Only beer.
The golden rule was no drugs!
I had many other rules. I payed close attention when people shared about relapse. My alcoholic mind manipulated that information is a guide of what not to do instead of advise. In early recovery it was advise. I wasn’t scared anymore. The fear fades over time.
I didn’t drink for at least a week I don’t remember exactly how long, but it was long enough that I had attended the two AA meetings I went to regularly. Monday night and Thursday night.
In the meetings I felt extremely uncomfortable.
This had been my home group for eight years. I was a respected member of the group. I had been around long enough to have been a positive influence for many people with less time than me. I had sponsees. I dont really like the term sponsor or sponsee. I prefer friends that I helped walk through the steps or recovery mentors.
Anyways, the people I helped through the steps looked up to me. I felt extremely uncomfortable around them. I already knew that my mentors wouldnt co-sign my decision so I felt uncomfortable around them. Those two beers alienated me from my army of support.
My meetings were Monday and Thursday. The following Saturday night, I went to the bar. I had fun! I felt like I had been denying myself of lifes simple pleasures for a decade! I would never do that again. I walked away from AA and all those friendships. I didn’t even look back.
Hindsight being 20/20, they were the best friendships I’ve ever had.
I managed to drink responsibly for a while, but it was more than a couple of beers each time. Eventually I was drinking twenty plus beers, taking shots, blacking out and breaking every rule I made. Within a year.
This should be where I recognize that my experiment is proving that I’m an alcoholic and that I should quit while I’m ahead. Nothing bad has happened as a result of my drinking… Yet…
Instead, my alcoholic mind made it into failure is not an option. My alcoholic mind told me that AA didnt work. My alcoholic mind was going to make this experiment work.
I spent eight years stuck in that mindset.
When things got bad I tried to go back to AA.
I had been drinking for about three years. When I started drinking I was pretty happy. I didn’t start drinking to numb anything. Once my alcoholic demon was released I did. The holidays were what got me. Missing my kids. Drink. Drink until you cant feel.
My brother committed suicide about three years into my relapse. I dove deep into the bottle. I was out of control. That was the first time I almost drank myself to death. I went back to AA. I looked like death made it 87 days. My 30, and 60 day milestone celebrations meant nothing to me. I had walked away from my 10 year milestone…
I remember thinking about my ten year milestone as I was drinking those two beers. Wondering If I’d ever get so close to ten years sobriety again. I decided if my experiment worked and I wasn’t really an alcoholic then it wouldn’t matter.
At 87days I decided my 90 day token didn’t really matter. My alcoholic mind mocked sobriety time after I had walked away from almost ten years.
My alcoholic mind wouldn’t allow me to reconnect with AA. I still struggle with that.
I had come close to drinking myself to death a few times since then.
I broke my golden rule about six years into my relapse. I did some drugs. I didnt go off the deep end with the drugs, but if I was drunk enough and they were around, I did them.
My last two relapses were short and terrible. I have fear back on my side which is nice. It helps alot! On my final relapse I proved to myself without a doubt that I’m a real alcoholic.
"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed."
Fully conceding to my innermost is the step before the steps. It took every one of those relapses to get me to see this, feel it and know it applies to me.
Thanks for sharing Jason. Very very powerful. Lately in my brain I keep wondering why someone picks up after all the sober time he/she accumulates. And will I be one of them? Why not? I’m not going to today I know that. Probably not tomorrow either. But that drinking brain keeps wondering about it. And the logical brain knows it won’t work. But it appears that doesn’t matter.
I’ve already listen to chapter 3 three times now. I have to admit I chuckle at the excuses or rules we try and set. “I’ll just drink beer”. I’ll just drink when I’m out” “as long as I don’t have any liquor.” “I’ll put it in my milk 
” It seems like that alcoholic maddening brain just trying to find one tiny little crack. I’m doing chapter 5 today. Even though I have great faith in God I loved chapter 4. And still loving your idea of the audio big book. I look forward to it every day on my walks.
Thanks again for your powerful shares. It is greatly appreciated.
Jason, your honesty, openness and well written post is amazing. Thank you for sharing more of your story. I gained strength and a healthy dose of fear by reading it. Once more, the pages of the Big book have proven itself to be almost prophetic. If we are truly alcoholic there is no hope to drink like other men and Ill admit, it scares me. I have been in and out of AA for almost three decades. I have made the promises and meant them. I have looked people in the eyes and made them believe this time I meant business. Time after time I eventually believe the lies and once again pick up a drink. This is why I feel so strongly about this post. I was never able to drink like other people but I never stop wanting to. I honestly believe that if I go out again I won’t make it back. Everytime it gets worse never better and last time out almost killed me. I just pray that I can keep the strength to not pick up again. I do know that if I work the program I can have a life free of booze. In the past I always stopped doing the things that were working. I put other things in front of my sobriety knowing full well what would happen. Yes! THIS IS INSANITY. I have today and because of AA and people such as you to talk with, I have a chance. Thank you for your post. I know it helped me and I’m grateful for it.