I got severely drunk last night and did a bunch of coke by myself. I am beyond disappointed in myself. I feel worthless and hopeless. I know there is something deeply disturbed inside me for me to sit in a room doing that to myself, alone, in the dark, hiding from my family. It’s literally sickening and scary.
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You made it back here safe
You still have a chance
Don’t let that stuff steal your life
Come on here read and post.
You can do it
I know it
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Welcome and please know you are so not alone in those actions and your feelings today. You’re in a good place to kickstart your recovery. The thing that concerned me greatly reading about your night was that you were alone with those substances. That scares me because things could happen to you and no one would know until it was too late. It sounds like you might be ready to admit and accept you have a problem. This community has tons of resources for getting the tools you need to stay sober. Keep reading and posting!
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Drugs and alcohol are but a symptom of a deeper issue. We need to look at the way we think, our character defects, and our reactions to life when we begin to change them our life will begin to change
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Please know you are not worthless and that using I believe, stems from deeper issues. As my therapist told me, addiction and drug use does not make someone a bad person or unworthy of love and happiness. We just need a bit extra help and you can make it through this
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This!!! So true and so very much what we need to hear. 
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Maybe try a meeting plenty people there who have been were you are now wish you well
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You are not worthless. Addiction is rooted in shame, and it’s a horrible feeling but please know you are not alone. Once the fog clears, set some goals, make a plan, and reflect on what it is that makes you use. For me it was unhealed trauma, anxiety, resentment, and feelings of unworthiness. I do a program of recovery and I learned these things by connecting with other alcoholics and addicts and working the 12 steps. You are worthy of recovery and happiness-we all are
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Welcome! Any plans on moving forward sober?
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You are not worthless. I guarantee your family needs you and loves you. The shit I’ve put my kids through… and I am absolutely still number one in their little eyes.
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Maybe have a look at CA and see if there is a meeting in your area?
Good luck. I was once you.
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Hi there, thanks for replying to my post. I feel weird even replying to my original post after allowing my emotions and psyce to level out. Its crazy how out of wack comedowns can be. I really appreciate everyone helping me through.
Moving forward so far has been the usual procedure of deciding not to drink, and trying to get back on a healthy routine, (wake up early for work, eat healthy, workout, help my daughter with school take care of my house and dog). Its easy for me to go back to this because I have a Jekle and Hyde personality. I dont really drink and do drugs every day, I just have these episodes every few weeks, sometimes months, when I binge and take it to extremes. It’s weird, I can sense something inside me that kind of builds momentum and I swear it seems like once I hit a certain level, my body will start drinking and doing drugs, even when my mind is saying dont do it and trying to convince myself why not to. I know thats an exaggeration, but it does feel like its beyond my control sometimes. Cocaine and alcohol have been apart of my life since I was 18 though, I’m 34 now, so the habit is there and I guess I need to figure out my triggers. I think stress is one forsure, as I just found out my mom isnt well right before my last binge from this post. I only do coke when I drink, never have without, I have no intention or craving for it otherwise. I just find the whole addiction thing bizarre. AA intimidates me, and my old best friend is all over that scene so Im kind of feeling a bit alienated in that sense, as I dont want to see her. I do have the book though, I havent read it though.
Anyways, its been 2 days, maybe Ill write a new post after a week and that will be a way to move forward and find community. Ive never reached out for help like this before. Thank you for listening. I appreciate it.
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A couple of books I found useful (there are many!!) are…
This Naked Mind by Annie Grace
Quit Like A Woman by Holly Whitaker
Holly’s book I found when I was further along in sobriety, but I return to it often, as some of it really hits home. The parts that don’t, that is okay, not everything fits for everyone.
Glad you are working towards a healthier and happier you.
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Thank you so much for these suggestions, Ill check them out forsure. I love to read.
All the best to you as well.
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How are you doing today Michelle?
I’m doing okay, just kind of here. Drinking has entered my mind a few times today, but I never acted on it. It didnt seem that urgent of a thought, just passed through. I usually can withstand a few weeks or more before I get agitated about not drinking. Boredom and stress seem to irritate me the most. Do you relate to that at all?
I appreciate you reaching out to ask how I am. How are you doing though?
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Boredom and stress are huge triggers for most people. What are you doing to help you cope?
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Hi, there. Get to a 12 Step meeting, discuss it with real live people.
Have you recently had a substance use disorder assessment?
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I guess I’m trying to minimize stress and do things that keep me busy, productive and healthy. I know everyone is going to say I need to prepare better, I know this, AA just freaks me out. Thats why I came on here, its easier for myle to type thoughts than to be around strangers and try to articulate them. I get all flustered and I cant think properly.
I’m just trying to keep my mind focused and remember what happens when I drink.
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That’s absolutely plenty to be doing right now. I’m so glad you are here and sharing. This is a very important community and you get out of it what you put in.
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