Sorry to hear about that Vicki. It sounds like you’re still romanticizing alcohol (you imagine it has some positive qualities, like it helps you do some things; you crave it). It’s an unhealthy obsession.
Might be time to make some changes. There’s recovery meetings - see the list here Resources for our recovery - why not visit a meeting? It can’t be worse than where you’re at now 
Welcome to Talking Sober 
