I recently relapsed after 2 years of sobriety. I let emotional issues build up and then went back to old coping mechanisms. In the process I got charged with a DUI, the day before I moved to a different city. Feels like I just completely unraveled all of the work I put into myself over the past couple of years. I haven’t really told many people because I’m supposed to “be sober” and have turned my life around. Just feels like I let everyone down in the process of relapsing and I’m struggling to find the purpose of it all again. So far, I’m 10 days into another attempt at being sober, but this time there feels like so much more emotional baggage behind it. The imposter syndrome is really setting in lol.
I can relate. I feel like Ricky Bobby in talladega nights when they ask is there anyone here that wants to go fast, I’m picturing myself rasing my hand and saying. “I wanna go fast .”
Nah but on a real note I understand where you would struggle. I was once clean for 16 yrs then when everything was buckling around me I slipped into drinking to cope with all the problems I was having. My thought was 1 pint 3 times a week I don’t have a problem. As time went I got really comfortable getting a buzz and lining stuff out when I got upset . Finally I had realized all the problems the drinking was starting to cause and traded it for something just as bad. The difference was I went from people know I drink to not drinking to smoking dope so I could make things happen. Christmas smoke dope to cope with all the craziness. Thanksgiving smoke dope to deal with the craziness. I never knew it was such a huge job to do all this until my dad and mom had got to sick medically to do the job. Anyway idk why I wrote all this I dint even think I’m answering ur question I just felt compelled to reach out and say you can do it we are rooting for you! Oh and when I was having these problems Noone knew why I was having the issues cause I couldn’t tell anyone as I felt judged. But almost 4 yrs ago I put a rock the size of a pool ball in my mouth n started chewing on it until my brain Said “ Zac ur gonna die.” I spit it out in the toilet scrubbed my mouth and after a few days I went and got help.
There’s a story that leads up to me getting help I’ll share an9ther time. My point is you can do it. I’m weak as fugg when it comes to me. But I was tired of playing Russian roulette and I no longer have to! Wishing you all the best of luck.
Hey friend, I completely understand what you’re going through. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Relapse is a setback, but it doesn’t mean you erased 2 full years of hard work and progress. Those 2 years of sobriety are still yours, and they prove you are strong enough to do this.
I’m writing this from a rehab center right now—today is my Day 12, with one week left to go. I know how heavy the emotional baggage and that ‘imposter syndrome’ feel when you’re trying to start over. But you aren’t a fraud, you are just a human being who stumbled while carrying too much emotional weight.
You made it to Day 10 despite the DUI stress and all the shame you’re carrying. That takes real courage. Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks right now; just focus on today. You did 2 years before, and you can rebuild your life again, step by step. You are not alone in this fight. Keep going!
So glad you found this place and have 10 days in! I know it doesn’t change what happened, but those two years weren’t for nothing. You built sober muscles that you’ll use again now. Have you talked to anyone about the emotional issues you’re dealing with?
I can absolutely relate. I had 3 years clean and sober quite some time ago, and ended up relapsing. Stayed out in the “problem” for about another 10+ years. Brutal to say the least.
U may think that all is lost. But honestly, u havent lost all the tools and skills and work that u put into getting sober for those 2 years previously. That knowledge hasnt dissappeared
If anything… u have MORE knowledge now. Looking back at ur relapse, can u see where things started to go wrong?
They say relapse happens before the physical act of picking up a susbtance. So what was happening for you prior to picking up that drink? With this information in mind, u can now add or remove things from ur life, to prevent a relapse from happening again
What things had u been doing for those 2 years in sobriety to get u to that 2 ywar milestone?
Not all is lost. U have 10 days in now and one day at a time ull get back to where u were, with a stronger foundation
No I haven’t spoken to anybody about it. This is the first time I’ve really brought it up. I’ve had to move, work, and figure out how to handle the legal stuff going forward. So this is the first time I’m really trying to find other people who can maybe relate to what’s been happening with me.
I was having doubts about a relationship that I’m involved in. It’s kind of complicated, but she asked me to move with her to a different cit with her, but that was something difficult for me to do. My grandmother has dementia and I was flying from where I was living, back to Arizona to lend a hand in taking of her with my grandfather. Moving with this woman meant taking care of my grandmother would be more difficult. I also work two jobs that I like, and moving with her would mean that I had to sacrifice one of them. That job that I would have to sacrifice was at a gym, which was also the place that became a sanctuary for me during that two year period of sobriety.
I had a key to this place and for the first year of sobriety it was the greatest blessing I could have asked for. There were times when things got really hard, where I could just go to the gym at like, 1am just to workout and be somewhere that wasn’t a bar. I associate it to helping me achieve those years of being sober. So leaving that behind created a lot of internal conflict.
This person that I’m seeing isn’t sober, and doesn’t have any problems with addiction. When I first relapsed, it was with her back in June and I never was really able to stop afterwards. She didn’t understand at the time, because to her “you can just stop”. So after I relapsed, I kept feeling like let everyone down and would just keep drinking. Even though I didn’t tell anybody. I wasn’t drinking everyday. But I wasn’t living sober for around 6 weeks up until the past 10 days.
Thank you for sharing with me and being positive. I hope rehab is treating you well. You’re going to be even better than you were when you get out of it
Thats really tough I can see why there would be such an internal conflict. Is she aware of ur concerns about this move? It really sounds like u need to be where u are now, near ur grandmother and ur 2 jobs and this gym.
The gym has been very influencial for me in my recovery also. Weight lifting/exercise is like my happy place lol I do it more probably for mental health, than physical. So i can absolutely relate to the anxiety that it would cause due to potentially leaving a place like that.
I hope she would understand ur reasonings for being conflicted.
Its hard too when our partner doesnt understand addiction. My husband doesnt understand my addict thinking or the obsession that takes hold. Its hard to explain to them too what its like.
I hope ur able to find some peace with all of this. What do u think YOU need to do for YOU?
Well, I already moved and signed the lease, so that’s done. I think I need to figure out how to deal with bigger emotions in a healthy way, and not resort to drinking in order to numb those feelings again. I haven’t really worked out or played basketball (a hobby of mine), since being booked for the DUI which happened a little over a week ago. I’m usually an every morning workout kind of person because it starts my day off with the mentality of taking care of myself. So I think just getting back to doing one of those this weekend may be a good place to start.
I think so too! Im the same way with the morning workouts Sets the day up on the right path!
Maybe set urself up with a morning routine that involves some exercise. Get back to doing some of the things u enjoy. Do u attend meetings online or anything like that? Or having any recovery literature to read?
Your very welcome I’m sorry I didn’t really answer your questions. I just want you to know your not alone. People often have these issues and lack finding the way to actually touch on it. I hope you the best of luck in your endeavors. And I will be following close incase I can find the right words to send in your direction.
I used to attend meetings but I haven’t in quite awhile. I’m probably going to start going back to them once I find a good group again. I don’t really have any literature around recovery outside of what I’ve read in the Big Book. Do you have any recommendations for literature around coming back after a relapse?
Ummm to be honest, I dont have very many suggestions for literature specifically for AA. I do read the Big Book of AA, but I also read other literature from NA and OA. I think AA has some daily readers, like a daily reflections book of sorts. I know NA does (cuz I read that one).
Theres an app called “In the rooms” which is AA or NA online meetings. Just thought Id mention it in case u need a meeting before ur able to find a group u like
There are also a lot of sobriety podcasts you might explore. They have helped me, along with an in person AA home group. Just keep your head in the recovery game, not the blame and shame game. We have to rebuild our time one day at a time, no days off. You can do this! And you’ll be glad you did!
There are several threads on here on literature and knowledge about addiction and recovery. you can use the search function.
learning how addiction works and irreversibly rewires the brain is crucial in understanding how to work recovery successfully in my opinion.
Welcome to TS. Sorry to hear of your relapse. I’m coming up on 7 years of sobriety and what i can say is the sobriety kind of it’s own life. It’s been very fragile at points and bullet proof at other times.
I once heard that “we’re constantly either getting closer to, or father away from relapse” and it stuck with me. The direction depends mostly on the effort we put into our recovery.
I really loved following this thread linked below… Jason relapsed after years of sobriety and his journey back has truly inspired me in my sobriety.
I can see why there would be such an internal conflict. Is she aware of ur concerns about this move? It really sounds like u need to be where u are now, near ur grandmother and ur 2 jobs and this gym.