I relapsed today. My girlfriend broke up with me last night. Not because of my drinking but because of our last conversation. I wouldn’t hear from her for 2-3 days at a time I let it slide the first few times because I know she’s been working and going thru a lot of stress and family issues. I expressed how I felt about not being as important to her anymore because I don’t understand how someone can go that long without reaching out to someone you love. All it takes is a minute or two to send a text to say “hey I’m going thru something.” “I need some time to myself”. I would have been fine with that. It’s happened a few times and yesterday I finally spoke my mind. I didn’t think I said it in a bad way but she took it that way. She’s been stressed out with work and family and I just think me bringing that up was something that set her over the top. She says she needs to work on herself. We live 6 hours away and we are on the lease together that I helped her get. She says she emailed the place to have them change the locks and to take me off the lease and she doesn’t want me to go up there and do anything. I’ve never went to see her without her knowing that I was going. I just don’t know how I feel about that. If she really thinks that I would do something like that. I was supposed to go for Thanksgiving but I relapsed again and she told me not to go and I didn’t. I’ve been nothing but respectful and never stepped over any boundaries. When we talked yesterday and told me everything I fought against my inner demons and didn’t drink. I couldn’t sleep at all yesterday. I took a drive today and ended up at a liquor store. I sat there for a while but eventually gave in. I’m back at day 1
It’s okay that you had a little hiccup in your recovery! You’re back here and that’s all that matters. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Relationships can be tough and out of our control sometimes. But you can control your drinking if you take it a day at a time. You seem quite intuitive. Next time you have a craving is there something else you can do to distract yourself? Easier said then done I know when temptation is everywhere but I do find having a plan in place before to combat those urges really does help. Try not to best yourself up and keep putting on work to collect those days! Talking things out here can be a great resource too as I’m sure you know.
I’ve been going back to the gym and trying to distract myself and even going out on hikes to get away and that has been helping me when things go good. It just seems that everytime something goes wrong I find myself back in front of a liquor store. Yesterday, I sat on the edge of my bed staring at the door with my keys in my hand ready to go pick up a bottle and I was proud of myself but today I gave in
You should’ve found yourself here or at a recovery meeting. You have to choose to go to other places during hard times then a liquor store. Come here, lean on us… ask for help.
Are you currently under the influence?
I know I should have but I was feeling weak at the time and I was just driving to clear my head and then I saw a liquor store and I pulled into the parking lot. I bought a pint of vodka and I took a couple swigs but immediately felt like shit for giving in like that and being weak in the moment. I made myself throw up but it doesn’t change the fact that I gave in to my temptations.
But I am not currently under the influence.
I get it bro, I was there. It’s damn hard in the beginning and you won’t want to do the things you instinctively know you should. Come here and fight next time… reach time you win a battle like that you’ll get stronger.
In the past 1500+ days I’ve lost animals and family members and been through really hard times… All sober though, thank God, you’ll see that these really hard things are much easier to deal with in sobriety. You can do this because I did… There is nothing at all special about me. We’re here for you bro
If your name is on the lease then she can’t have anyone change the locks because that would be a retaliatory eviction and THAT is against the law. Honestly, we all have different levels of communication that we’re comfortable with. Some people think 2-3 days of no contact is no issue, other people like to talk a little each day. I cant dictate how other people should communicate in their relationships. However, that particular conversation might have been worth having at the beginning of your relationship. It may have saved you both a lot of grief. That being said, she expressed that she needs to work on herself and maybe this is an opportunity for you to work on yourself, as well.
Omg I have had that exact same behaviour before. It’s hard isn’t it. And I agree with you, so easy to send a text if you love someone, and it’s tough when they don’t think the same. Sorry to hear you’re going through that. You are back here that’s what matters. Keep your head high. The only way out is through.
It really is hard in the beginning and I thought I was doing good the first few weeks and then this happened and it threw me off. I wasn’t expecting it. I love her enough to respect her decisions tho. I will definitely keep coming back tho. I need it more than ever. I’m sorry for everything you’ve been thru too. I’ve lost family as well. Losing her hit different
The thing with us we’ve been thru a lot together and I’ve made my mistakes and I know she’s looking out for herself and her daughter. I told her I’d help her out and would never jeopardize anything that they have. I get that her daughter is her first priority followed by work and I would never think less of her for that. She has to take care of her family. That’s why I’ll never pursue anything. Ive lent her money to help them get started because I thought we were going to last and I still believe that. She says she needs time so I’m going to give her her space and see how it unfolds. If we are meant to be it’ll happen. I just can’t fuck up their life because we didn’t work out. Her daughter called me dad and it won’t be fair to her if I try to do something out of spite. If that makes sense.
The thing is we used to talk everyday for hours and fall asleep together then little by little it was less and less. She told it would be like that but I never thought 2-3 days at a time. And even when we did talk it would be less than 5 minutes. She’s an amazing woman and I’m not trying to talk shit. I love her with everything I got. It just got to the point where I spoke my mind I said it the wrong way when I should have been her anchor
It does make sense. Like you said, the best course of action would be to leave her be and let her come to you if that’s what she wants.
Loss is part of life, unfortunately. I don’t mean to diminish what you’re feeling. If you never felt loss you either didn’t live long enough or didn’t have anything worth having. Who knows what the future will bring. Maybe you’ll be back together, living happily ever after, just remember that your happiness doesn’t happen without sobriety. Best wishes bro
That’s what I’m doing now. Let her find herself and hopefully I’m part of it later on. I’m not going to hold my breath but if it happens it happens
I don’t ever take someone’s advice as diminishing. I see it being helpful. I e experienced a lot of loss. From family to homies in the streets. It all feels the same. I’m just trying not to end up like them
@ryreee31 my friend you’re doing what you can now, that’s all that matters. What does your recovery program look like? How long have you been working on your recovery? What can you add?
For what it’s worth I’m even thinking it’s progress you only turned to alk briefely and tried to reverse your decision. You caught yourself and didn’t go into oblivion. That’s a good sign that you know there isn’t a temporary way out from life. Even when we suffer.
Heartbreak is awful. I’ve had a massive amount of it since my recovery started.
It’s been a huge learning experience for me to look at myself, the way I love and trust and what I give and how I see the ppl I give it to. I am doing long term in depth psychotherapy and I have also read a lot on codependency and all that stuff.
Idk man, your story sounds wrong to me. Why would she change the locks if you live 6hrs away and you have always behaved in this respectful manner towards her? As someone else mentioned: if you’re on the lease, I don’t think she is even allowed to do that.
It also isn’t just a “normal development” to go from that much intimacy to what sounds like none.
And if you speak your feelings in a non-aggressive and non-manupulative manner, you are not in any way overstepping or doing wrong! Anyone who makes you feel that way… Maybe think twice.
Maybe, maybe there is more to this story and you need to open your eyes a bit more. This is just a hunch. I held on to someone for a long long time because I loved and trusted completely. And then it turned out there was a lot of stuff wrong and I was deluding myself.
The most important thing is that you work on your recovery. What can you do every day to make sure you stay sober?
Here are some resources: Resources for our recovery
Stay active on here. Talk to us. That alone is a big asset. All the best to you my friend.
You caught yourself man, that’s a great step forward! Recovery is a dance with life. Sometimes you take a step backwards to keep moving forward again.
Check in daily here, keep sharing about your dance.